By ML
msnsc21@aol.com

Distribution: Ephemeral, Gossamer, Enigmatic Dr., or if you've
archived me before, yes; if you haven't, please just let me know
and leave headers, email addy, etc. attached. Thanks!
Spoilers: Beginning of S9
Rating: PG-13
Classification: MSR, Angst
Summary: The Gunmen help Scully celebrate Christmas.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Chris
Carter, TenThirteen, and Fox Broadcasting.  I mean no infringement,
and I'm making no money.

This is dedicated to all who are separated from loved ones.  May
you find a way to be together, if not in reality, then at least
in thoughts and dreams.
 

Bearing Gifts
by ML

"Merry Christmas, lovely lady," Frohike's voice greets her.

Scully shifts William on her shoulder.  He's been cranky today,
and she hasn't been able to calm him.  She feels a little like
crying herself.

"Are you there, Scully?"  Frohike sounds a little panicked.

"Yes, I'm here," Scully says, jiggling William and juggling the
phone.  "What did you say?"

"I just called to wish you a Merry Christmas," Frohike repeats.
"Is everything okay?"

"Yes," Scully.  "It's fine," she says, and can feel the tears in
her eyes.  Everything's fine; of course it is.  She had a fight
with her mom the last time they spoke.  Mulder's gone, and she
hasn't heard from him in more than a month.  William won't stop
crying, and she can't figure out why.  Merry Christmas.

"The guys and I wondered if we could stop by," Frohike asks.
"We have some Christmas gifts for you and the baby."

It's on the tip of Scully's tongue to say no, that she's too
tired, that she's on her way out, anything to keep them from
coming over.  They seem to have appointed themselves her
guardians again, much as they did when Mulder was missing
before.  It's hard to be around them, though.  She suspects
they know more about Mulder's whereabouts than she does, and
she doesn't want to embarrass herself by asking them.

"We thought we'd come over today, if that's okay," Frohike is
saying.  "I know you're probably going over to your mom's
tomorrow."

Scully almost says no, she's not, but that would just bring
more questions, so she makes a non-committal noise in her
throat.  "Okay," she says.

She doesn't really want to leave her apartment, and she doesn't
really want visitors, either.  That's what the fight with her
mother was all about.  Though she tells herself it's
unreasonable, she hopes that somehow Mulder will find a way to
get in touch with her directly.  She won't let herself think
of the possibility that he might just show up, as much as she
longs for it.  Logically, she knows he can't.  Their enemies
don't rest, and they will no doubt be on the lookout for Mulder.

William is finally starting to settle down, snuffling against
her shoulder and sucking on his fist.  She takes him back into
the bedroom and lays him down in the crib.

Back in the living room, she picks up a few scattered items and
straightens the pillows on the couch.  She's had no visitors to
speak of for some time.  She'd put up a small tree and some
decorations, more because of William than for herself.  This
is William's first Christmas, she tells herself.  Of course
there are gifts under the tree, mostly for William.  She bought
several herself, marking them "from Mommy and Daddy."  There are
a couple for Mulder under there, too.  There's even one to
"Daddy" from William.  She's thought about the discussions
she would have had with Mulder about appropriate presents for
a baby.

She wonders how she and Mulder would have celebrated this first
Christmas with William.  Mulder wasn't one to mark the occasion
usually, but maybe being a father would make him feel differently.
She imagines Mulder buying a basketball, a baseball, something big
and not quite appropriate for a baby.  She imagines him bringing
things home, a sheepish expression on his face, like he'd done in
the past when he offered a present to her, as if half-afraid she
would reject it.

She wonders if he's thinking about it being William's first
Christmas, or if he's still choosing to think of it as just
another day.  Is he sorry that he's not here?  He barely got
to know William before leaving.

Does he miss her as much as she misses him?

Scully shakes her head sharply to rid it of the traitorous
thought.  Going away wasn't Mulder's choice, she tells herself
firmly.  You urged him to go.  He doesn't get in touch because
he knows it isn't safe, that's all.  You made the plans together;
you know the reasons.

She still keeps the irrational hope that somehow he will get in
touch, that he would risk anything to be with her and William.
The next moment she's scolding herself again for feeling that
way, and blames it on her still unstable hormones and the season.
Nonetheless, she still wants to stick close to home.  Just in
case.

Maggie Scully had tried to reason with her daughter, though she
was disadvantaged by the fact that Scully wouldn't come out and
tell her why she didn't want to go to her mom's for Christmas,
and why she didn't want the family at her place, either.  Finally,
Maggie reached the end of her patience.  "Do what you want, Dana,"
she said.  "You usually do, anyway."

"Mom, I've always done my best to be there for Christmas," Scully
says.  "Even when we were on a case, I nearly always managed to
get there."

Her mother sighed down the phone line.  "Yes, you were present
eventually, at least in body.  I thought things would be
different now," she said.

Scully had a hard time keeping the edge from her voice.
"Different how?"  she asked.  "Different from when?  Before
I had William?"

There was a long pause before her mother said,  "Different from
when Fox was here.  He's not dragging you all over the
countryside, keeping you from your family.  But, somehow, he's
still keeping you from your family."  Maggie Scully's voice
breaks just a little.  "Maybe it was just an excuse for you.
Maybe you were glad not to be around."

Scully could think of a dozen different things to say, all of
them cutting, but she restrained herself.  "Mom, I've got to go.
I'll call you later, okay?"  She could barely get the words out.
 She pressed the off key with a little more emphasis than usual.
If she hadn't been using the cordless, she would have slammed the
handset into the cradle.

She'd known for a long time that her mother felt marginalized.
Her planning of the baby shower, and her insistence on a baby
nurse/helper for her were bids to keep herself a part of Scully's
life.

Scully had never intended to cut her mother out, but somehow it
seemed safer to keep Maggie Scully in the dark about so many
things.  How could she possibly explain some of the things she'd
seen and experienced to her mother?

Still, what her mom said cut Scully deeply.  She'd always thought
Maggie Scully liked Mulder, and she'd seemed overjoyed to learn
that he was William's father.  It appeared now that there had
always been an underlying resentment of him, and the way he
pre-empted most of Scully's time.  Maybe Bill picked up that
vibe and ran with it.  He'd hotly deny it, but Scully had always
felt that Bill was a sort of mouthpiece for her parents' views.
Ahab might command, and Mom might use her calm voice of reason,
but Bill was the Enforcer.

She knows she'll have to call her mother later, and try to explain
her reluctance to leave the apartment.  The temptation to not call,
and to just spend Christmas alone with William, is very great.
Once she would have turned to her mother instinctively for comfort
and support.  Now they are so estranged that to Scully it no
longer seems possible.

Was Mulder the cause of this?  Scully thinks not.  Mulder may
have his selfish impulses, but he always tried to do right by
her.  But if it isn't Mulder's fault, then it must be hers, as
her mother said.  Maybe she had used Mulder as an excuse in the
past to get out of some family obligation.

Scully doesn't need her mother to help her feel guilty.  She can
do that all on her own.  It's her fault that her mother is upset,
her fault that she's alone.

Mulder went away because she urged him to, not because it was
best for him.  Even if that was Scully's reason for sending him.
She tells herself that it's for the best, that it is the only
course that makes sense for now, but she still worries and
wonders every day.  They've had no direct contact for months,
and Scully wishes she could at least hear his voice again.

Her eyes blur as she lets all the feelings of regret and guilt
and longing wash over her.  She'd like nothing better than to
curl up on the couch and sob for days, but she can't.  She
can't.  She's Dana Katherine Scully.  She's a mother, and
she has responsibilities.  Not just to herself, but to her
child.  And to her partner.

She dries her eyes, splashes a little water on her face, and
puts the coffee pot on for when the Gunmen arrive.

x-x-x-x

When the Gunmen get there, William is awake again, has been
fed and changed, and has decided to be charming.  He bounces
on Frohike's knee while Byers helps Scully with coffee and
cookies in the kitchen.

Byers, as always, is dressed neatly, wearing a tie with tiny
holly sprigs on it.  Frohike's only concession to the season
is to have on red fingerless gloves.  Langly is wearing a tee
shirt advertising something called "The Jingle Ball," featuring
several bands Scully's never heard of.  They accept the coffee
from her with shy thanks.

For a few moments, everyone drinks coffee and eats cookies and
says nothing.  Scully remembers when they came to see her just
after William was born.  They stood, gaping at her, gifts in
their hands.  And here they are again, bearing gifts.  She
feels a surge of affection for the odd trio.  Mulder is so
lucky to have them as friends, she thinks.  And so am I.

Finally Frohike brings over a battered-looking grocery sack
he'd brought in and set by the door when they arrived.  "These
are for you, Scully," he says.

"We're actually just delivering these," Byers explains.  "We
received these a few days ago with instructions to deliver
them to you as close to Christmas as we could."

There are no tags on the packages, and they are somewhat
crudely wrapped.  One is about the size of a videotape box,
and the other is slightly larger, and irregularly shaped.
She sets them carefully under the tree.

"Thanks for delivering them," she says.  "Any other messages?"

They all shake their heads solemnly.  "Nothing new to report,"
Frohike says.

Byers says, "No news is supposed to be good news, Scully."

Langly says, "Yeah, right," and Frohike elbows him in the gut.

"Hey!"  Langly says indignantly.  "Knock it off, you overgrown
dwarf!"

"Then shut up, Langly,"  Frohike warns him.  "Honest, Scully,
we haven't heard anything.  We wouldn't keep anything from you.
We couldn't."  He glares at Langly.

"He's right," Langly says.  "I didn't mean anything."

Byers gets up.  "I think it's time we said our good-byes,
gentlemen, before Agent Scully throws us out."  He shakes her
hand.  "Thanks for the coffee and cookies."

"Yeah, thanks," Langly says after another jab from Frohike.  He
smiles a little weakly as Byers ushers him out the door.

Frohike pauses in the doorway.  "It's really okay, Scully.  Last
we heard, Mulder was safe and sound in parts unknown.  He's not
due to report in again for a bit."

"Thanks, Frohike," Scully says.  "Thanks for everything."  She
bends down and kisses his cheek.  To her surprise, Frohike
blushes.

"Bye," he mumbles and shoots out the door.

Scully can't help smiling a little at the visit from her
unlikely elves.  They're so sincere, and want so much to help.

She settles back into the couch with William and picks up the
larger of the two packages.  It's soft, and she's pretty sure
that it's some sort of stuffed toy for William.  Sure enough,
it's a bear, dressed in a baseball uniform.  Scully inspects
it carefully for anything unusual, but can find nothing.  It
does smell nice, though.  She holds it close and sniffs it.

Somehow, it smells like Mulder.  It can't be just her
imagination.

"Look, William," she says.  "Look what Daddy got you."  She
takes another deep sniff and hands it to William, who grips it
tightly.  She holds William and the bear close, dropping a kiss
on William's head.  Then, with some trepidation, she picks up
the other package and manages to open it one-handed.

Just as she thought, it's a videotape.  The title surprises
her, though.  It's "Caddyshack."  Not just any version, the
"special edition."  Hoo boy.

"It's a guy movie, Mulder," she remembers telling him.

She worries fleetingly that somehow the Gunmen know about
that night and how it ended.  Not from Mulder, but that they
had somehow bugged his apartment.

She hadn't realized how much she'd hoped it was some sort of
personal message until she'd unwrapped it.  Well, it *is* a
personal message of a sort.  She'll take it as such, anyway.
She'll even watch it, since Mulder sent it to her.  But not
while William is still awake.  She's not sure yet that she
wants to expose him to this great American classic just yet.

Once William is settled down for the night, she sits and looks
at the tape box.  She closes her eyes and remembers that night,
one of the few they had together, and one of the most carefree.
Mulder had been very pleased with himself, though he wouldn't
say why.  They'd grumbled at each other good-naturedly, and not
long after the movie started, he'd reached for her hand.  By the
middle of the movie, she was leaning against his shoulder, and
by the end, they'd been necking for some time.  Necking.  She
snorts softly in amusement.  Sounds like a word Ahab would
use.  The image of Mulder, nibbling on her neck, makes her
flush.  And then, when the movie was over...she smiles sadly
at the memory.

Would she have done anything differently if she'd known that
was the last happy time they'd have together before he was
taken?  She shakes her head to herself.  It's a lovely memory,
made bittersweet by what came after.  But she wouldn't change
a thing.

Well, maybe she would have let Mulder put butter on the
popcorn.  Maybe.  In this way, she teases herself out of her
melancholy.

She pops the tape into the VCR and goes out to the kitchen to
fetch the popcorn.  Just this once, in honor of Mulder, she
puts butter on it.  No beer, though.  The best she can do is
apple juice.

She can hear the title music as she pours the juice and grabs
the bowl.  She stops dead in her tracks as the music ends and
she hears Mulder say, "Hey Scully, it's me."

She looks wildly around the room.  Mulder?  Here?  She hadn't
heard the door; she looks all around, and nothing has changed.
Except, instead of the movie on the TV screen, it's Mulder.
She sets the popcorn and juice down and grabs the remote to
rewind the tape a little.

Sure enough, right after the opening credits, the screen goes
blue for a few seconds, and Mulder pops on the screen.  She
stares at the paused image in dawning comprehension.  She
pushes the play button to start the tape again.

It's just Mulder.  He's sitting in a plain folding chair.   She
can't tell anything from the background.  No pictures, no window,
just a blank wall.  He's wearing jeans and a black crewneck
pullover.  His hair is a little longer, and he still looks too
thin, but he looks so good to her.

"Hi Scully," Mulder says diffidently, looking directly into the
camera.  "I hope this gets to you in time for Christmas.  I'm
sorry I can't be there with you and the little guy, but I do
want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think
about you both."  He blinks and looks down for a minute, and
his voice sounds a little lower, a little raspier than it did.
"I asked the guys to let me know how you're doing.  They
promised they wouldn't look at this, that no one would see
it but you.  So I guess it's safe to tell you how much I, how
much I love you, and, I really, really, miss you.

"I don't want to make you sad, but this is so hard to do without
you here.  I wish you were here, Scully, or I wish I was there.
I told you a long time ago I didn't want to do this without you.
I still don't.

"I have a Christmas wish, and I'm gonna tell you in a little bit,
but first I want to give you your present.  It's a little unusual,
and I hope you'll like it.  But I need your assistance with it,
so work with me here, Scully, okay?  Sit back and relax.  I hope
you're sitting on your sofa, `cause that's where I'm imagining
you and me, right now.  I want you to close your eyes...are
they closed?  Keep `em closed, Scully.  Now imagine I'm there,
in the same room with you."  His voice has gotten very low,
almost a whisper.  "I'm just behind you, Scully.  I'm gonna
wrap my arms around you, okay?  And you can lean back against
me, so I can whisper in your ear."  Scully burrows back into
the plump, soft cushions and imagines it's Mulder's arms around
her.  With his voice in her ear, she can almost feel him.

"You can't see, but I've got my eyes closed too, Scully,"
Mulder continues.  "I'm imagining I have you in my arms.
You feel so good, Scully.  You're warm, and you smell like...
like that shampoo you use."

Scully can't help but smile as she hears this.  It's a very
Mulder thing to say.   She wraps her arms around herself,
trying to approximate the feel of Mulder holding her.  She
sinks back into the sofa cushions and remembers the last time
they were together, the night before he left.

"I'm kissing you, Scully.  I'm kissing your cheek, and you turn
your head so I can really kiss you, `kay?  Now, I'm just going
to kiss you for a while, so keep your eyes closed and go with
it."

Scully thinks of the kisses they've shared in the past.  She
lets her mind wander down memory lane as the silence goes on
and on.  She thinks about his hands cupping her face, the
first touch of his soft lips against her own.  She thinks of
the warmth of his body pressed against hers, the feel of his
arms holding her close.  She can smell him, the combination
of after-shave and everything else that makes up his unique
Mulder scent.

She thinks she can remember every kiss they ever shared.  She
can almost feel his presence, almost feel his lips on hers
now.  She breathes low and quiet, keeping her eyes shut,
listening to Mulder's soft breathing on the tape.

After an interval that seems all too short, she hears Mulder
whisper, "Was it good for you, Scully?"  Her eyes fly open,
and there's Mulder's grinning face, but with the glint of
moisture in the corners of his eyes.

In spite of herself, even though she knows he can't hear her,
Scully says in a whisper, "Yeah, Mulder, it was good for me,
too."  She feels more alive than she's felt for months.

"I'm sorry this can't be a two-way street, Scully, I'd like
nothing more than to see your beautiful face, and William,
too, but I can't risk it."

It's a terrible disappointment, but not really a surprise.
She doesn't want him to have anything around that someone
could use against him.

She runs the tape back and watches it again, but this time
she keeps her eyes open when Mulder tells her to close them.

Sure enough, he's closed his eyes just as he said he would.
She watches him in silence, his head thrown back, his
beautiful mouth moving ever so slightly, as if he was truly
kissing her.  She sees his tongue move over his bottom lip
slowly, and she sighs involuntarily, her breath catching in
her throat.  His hands rest on his thighs, but she can see
his fingers rub restlessly against the fabric of his jeans.
It's fascinating to watch, not to mention arousing.  She's a
little embarrassed to feel turned on by this.

She sees Mulder's eyes open slowly, sees him rub his fingers
across his eyes before he composes himself and says, "Was it
good for you, Scully?" with a heavy-lidded look that she didn't
see the first time around.  Then comes the grin, and she grins
back, unable to help herself.

"Scully, I told you I had a Christmas wish, and this is what I
want for Christmas.  Every day at nine PM, your time, I want
you to close your eyes and think of me.  I guarantee you
wherever I am, I'll stop what I'm doing and I'll be thinking
of you and William.  Will you do that for me?"

Scully nods.  She knows he can't see her doing so, but it
doesn't feel silly at all.  She can bet he knows her feelings
as she watches this tape, and what her reactions will be.

"I know how hard this has been on you, Scully.  I wish things
could have been different.  I'm working on some stuff that I
hope will change the way things are, and I'll let you know
what's going on when I can.  Until then, remember what we
talked about before I left, okay?  And keep yourself and
William safe."  He just sits for a bit, looking into the
camera, as if he could look into Scully's eyes for real.
She feels almost as if he is.  Where is he right now?  Is
he thinking of her?  Is he imagining her watching this
tape?

He clears his throat, and says very softly,  "I love you.
Always remember that."

He closes his eyes briefly, and she watches his throat work
as he swallows past the lump she knows is there, because she's
got one, too.  He clears his throat before speaking.

"I gotta finish this up, Scully, so I can get it to you.  Have
a good Christmas, and take lots of pictures of Will.  Don't
let Bill bully you too much, okay?  Go to your mom's, I know
it's her turn to have Christmas there.  Go to your mom's, and
have a good time.  I want to think of you there, with your
family.  It's important to me, okay?  I don't want *you* to
be alone at Christmas."

She never realized that Mulder kept track of where she
celebrated Christmas.  Mulder knows her too damn well.
Scully can feel the tears forming again.

I love you, and I love Will.  Signing off..."  He smiles again
at the camera, fumbling for the remote camera control so he
doesn't have to look away before the picture goes blue.

Scully sits back in the comforting softness of her sofa with
her eyes closed while the tape rewinds.  As she hears the
click indicating it's done, she watches the tape through to
the end again.

x-x-x-x

It's still dark outside, but Scully can see the lights in the
front window as she pulls to a stop on the street.  William
fell asleep in his car seat on the drive over, but she knows
he'll wake up as soon as he realizes where they are.  She
carefully lifts him out of the seat and walks slowly up the
front step.  The trunk and the rest of the car are filled
with packages, but she'll make Bill go out and get them.

She has a key, but her arms are full, so she rings the
doorbell.  She hears voices and footsteps approaching the
door.

Maggie Scully opens the door, and her eyes light up.  "Dana!
I didn't know -- I wasn't sure --"

"Hi, Mom," Scully says.  "I told you I always make it."

Her mother somehow manages to engulf both Scully and William
in a hug.  "I'm so glad," she whispers in Scully's ear.  "I'm
so sorry for what I said yesterday."

"I'm sorry, too, Mom.  But we can talk about it later."

Maggie nods.  "Dana, honey, I miss him too.  I do.  I
hoped..."  she has tears in her eyes.

Scully nods.  "Me, too, Mom.  I still hope.  Don't you
give up, either."

Maggie Scully shakes her head, and takes William from her
arms.  "Look who's here!  Bill, Dana has packages in the
car.  William, look, it's your aunt Tara, and cousin Matty!"

Scully follows Maggie into the warmth and light of the
living room.  Merry Christmas, Mulder, she thinks.  I'm
thinking of you all the time, not just once a day.  I love
you.  You're here with me.

The connection between them is still strong.  Time and distance
cannot break it; even death couldn't do that.

She allows herself to be swept into the embrace of her family.

end.

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