By LITTLEvoice
littlevoice_0013@yahoo.com

Rating: PG14 and a half

Classification: MSR, ScullyAngst, MulderAngst might be present

Summary: Scully has to deal with issues from her past, but he needs help.

Spoilers: none

Disclaimer: i know i know they aren't mine... but i just borrowed them to
have some fun... they'll be back before midnight...

Notes: I'm sorry... if you don't like reading my babbles... just skip to
the story... but that isn't stopping me from writing them...  i just want
people to know that the plot of this story IS NOT REAL... it is a product
of my twisted imagination... i am just informing all of you *real*
x-philes out there that don't know what the hell the story is about and
know

nothing about the show that it is made up... and i also got asked that a
lot from the peoples that i had edit my story and get pre-net feedback
from... so i just thought that it couldn't hurt to tell everyone... and
thank to steph... the true x-phile in who knows her facts... cause she
knew this was fictional... well... i hope you like it... feedback
please... littlevoice_0013@yahoo.com

Date Started: a while ago Date Ended: after a while ago and before now

Archive: if you feel like it... you can put it anywhere... as long as my
name stays on it
 

BREAKING FREE (1/1)
  by LITTLEvoice

Scully has become so withdrawn, so completely out of it lately.  I'm
afraid to say something to her, ask her
 why, ask her if she is ok.  I know what she'll say.  "I'm fine, Mulder."
I could hear the words ringing in my ears.

She just hasn't been herself recently.  I noticed her acting strangely
about a month ago, right after I finally got
 the guts to kiss her.

We were talking, or actually, she was talking.  I was just watching her.
If you ask me what we were talking about I will have to plead the fifth.
Honestly, I can't remember.  Then she got up and walked over to one of the
many filling cabinets in our basement office.  I followed.  She placed
something in the bottom drawer, stood up and walked right into me.  I
guess I startled her cause she jumped a little, but she wouldn't admit it.
Anyway, I put my hands on her shoulder to show her that I ment no harm,
but she tensed up.  She looked up at me and I leaned in and kissed her
before she could say anything.

And she kissed me back.

I put my arms around her, and she pulled away.  She was terrified.  I
could sence it.  I knew I shouldn't have kissed her.  I backed off, but
she didn't ease up.  She looked like she was going to have a nervous
breakdown right then and there.  I had never scene her like that before.
I didn't know what to do, and it was my fault.

I know this is going to sound horrible, but I was glad that it was the end
of the day.  We both went home early, and I just watched TV for the rest
of the night.  There wasn't anything good on.  I debated wether of not to
call Scully and appoligize.

I decided not to.

I thought it was best not to talk to her yet.  If she needed to talk, she
knew my number.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

I couldn't believe Mulder actually kissed me.  At first, I didn't know
what to do, how to react.  I loved him.  I guess it was only natural for
me to kiss him back.

Then he put his arms around me.  <<What am I doing?>>

Then it hit me...

<< "Are we going back to my place tonight?"

"No, I thought we could go back to my place.  My roommate's gone for the
rest of the semester."

"Sounds good to me... let's go."

<I unlocked my door with a great disability.  He was durnk and hanging all
over me... our mouths were locked together.  I loved him.  I loved him so
much.  I walked backwards towards my bed and he followed.  We sat.  We
made out for some more.  He was almost on top of me.  Every so often I
came up for air.  I loved him.  He pushed me down so I was lying down on
the bed.  He was on top of me.  He started feeling me.  His had was up my
shirt fooling around with my bra.>

"Stop." I said.  "Slow down.  I don't want to do this."

<That only gave him more of an invitation to feel me.  His hands were all
over.  I loved him.  I wasn't ready.  Before I could do anything more, my
shirt was being pulled off over my head.  He was on top of me, stradling
my waist.  I couldn't move.  My bra followed.  He felt me some more before
his shirt came off.  Then came my pants and underwear, and his were next.
It all happened so fast.  I couldn't move.  He was drunk.  I loved him.>

"Stop.  I don't want to do this.  Jason, please, stop."

<For over two hours he raped me.  Then he fell asleep on top of me.  I
couldn't move.  He was heavy.  Twice the size of me and about 50 pounds
heavier.  I couldn't move.  When I tried, he would wake up and rape me
some more.  I loved him.  He wouldn't stop.> >>

The whole night danced through my mind those last few seconds of my kiss
with Mulder.

I hadn't told anyone.  I pushed that out of my mind and moved on with my
life.  I thought that was what everyone did.

Until now, I haven't loved anyone or had a serious relationship with a
guy.  Mulder changed that.  I thought I was save with him.  We were forced
to have a strictly professional relationship, no kissing, no sex, and that
was fine with me.  I wasn't ready for another relationship.

I wasn't ready for this.

And he kissed me.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

Poor Scully.  She was turning into me, not getting any sleep at night.
She wan't admiting it, but I could tell from the way she was acting.

"Hey, Scully.  How's everything?" I would ask her.

"I'm fine, Mulder," she would snap in my general direction, never once
looking over to say hi.

<Is she mad at me for kissing her?  She kissed me back.  I thought she
wanted me to.  Why won't she talk to me?  What did I do wrong?  She kissed
me back.> I was so confused the first few days after the kiss.

I thought she was med at me.  So I figured I would give her a few days to
caln down and then I would appoligize.

When she didn't seem to get any better, I went into my profiling mode.  I
tried to get in her head, to find out what was wrong.

<What would make her talk, snap her out of this depression?  Why is she so
depressed?  This couldn't just

be caused by the one kiss.  Something happened a while ago.  Me kissing
her just set off the bomb.  But what could have happened.  Did an old
boyfriend abuse her?  Rape her?  Damnit, if anyone raped her I am going to
pound their ass into the ground.  She didn't deserve that.> I felt bad,
really bad.  I didn't know what to do to help Scully.  I didn't know what
to say.  I didn't even know where to start glueing back together the
broken peices of her life.  There were too many.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

I saw how hard Mulder tried to make me feel better.  I could tell he
blamed himself.  Could he tell I partly blamed him too?

I know it is stupid, but I blamed him for being so handsome, so sexy at
times, and so irrestable.  His short brown locks, his smile, his body, and
his eyes.  Oh my God, his eyes.  His gaze could melt ice.  It sure as hell
melted my heart.

I was scared.  I didn't want to trust another guy with my heart.  I did
that once, and that was a mistake.  I couldn't put myself through that
again.

Mulder stole my heart.  Wether I trusted him with it or not didn't matter.
He stole it and wouldn't give it back.  I was scared.

The first guy I trusted with my heart shattered it.  It was broke into so
many pieces I just finally began to repaired it.  It finally began to look
like a heart again, and Mulder came.

I could tell he wanted to help me put the fragil pieces of my heart and
soul back together.  He didn't even know what had happened to them.  He
just wanted to help.

He did everything possible to fix me, and he did.  He made me forget about
Jason.  I don't know why he came back to haunt me.  And Mulder blamed
himself.

I wasn't ready for another relationship.

Not yet.

I trusted Mulder more than I trusted myself, more than anything in the
world.  Yet I freaked out when he kissed me.  I guess I didn't trust him
that much.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

I couldn't stand it anymore.  I couldn't figure out what was bothering
Scully.  All I knew was that it happened a while ago, maybe abuse, maybe
rape.  But she wouldn't let me guess.

No matter how many times I said I was sorry, she just tured and walked
away.  She looked so tired, as if she hadn't slept in weeks.

I decided that I needed to do something.  I couldn't let her stay like
that.  She was tearing me up, as well as herself.

That day, while we were working in our basement office, I cornered her
again.  I could see the panic in her eyes when I kissed her again.  She
tried to push back, but I was bigger than she, and I won.

"Mulder, stop.  Damnit, Mulder.  Get away from me."  She kept trying to
push me away.  She kept trying to get away.

This hurt me so much.  I wouldn't have put Scully through so much pain if
I didn't have a reason.

This was how it began.  This was how it was going to end.

I had to get her to face what was bothering her.  I figured out that it
was an old memory of a boyfriend, probably rape.  Anything else Scully
would have been able to handle.

She started to cry.  She was sobbing uncontrably.  I let her fall into my
arms.  I let her cry.  I just held her.

"It's ok, Scully.  It's ok," I kepr repeating.

I held her in my arms for a while longer.  She kept crying, saying stuff
like, "I'm sorry, Mulder," and "Mulder, please forgive me."  And then
there was one that she mumbled that really shocked me.

"Mulder, I love you."

Her tears ceased, but not without leaving an evident trace of their
presence behind.  The shoulder of my shirt was all wet.

She told me what happened, how she handled it, made it go away.  Then she
told me how I made it all come back.

Damn.

What she said was so her.  I should have guesses what she was saying.

I had no idea what else was hidden in dark corners of her past, what else
I don't know about her.  I don't want to make the mistake of uncovering
anything again.  It ripped both of us apart.

I'm sorry Scully.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

I haven't had a wink of sleep in weeks, or at least, not since Mulder
kissed me.  To many nightmares.

Mulder knew something was wrong.  I could tell by the way he was acting
around me.  And then he cornered me again.  He wouldn't let me go.  Didn't
Mulder know what was wrong.  He is one of the best profilers the bureau
has.  Why was he doing this.

The night came back to me again, only this time, Jason wasn't there.  It
was Mulder.

He wouldn't let me go, wouldn't leave me alone.

I didn't kiss back this time.  I tried to get away.  I tried as hard as I
could.  He was too big.  I couldn't break away from his embrace.

I seriously couldn't believe Mulder was doing this.

"Stop, Mulder.  Stop, please."  Tears started gushing out of my eyes.  I
couldn't believe Mulder was going to rape me.  I was even more scared than
I was with Jason.  This was Mulder.

I guess he saw me crying because he stopped.  He let me fall into his arms
and cry, cry my heart out.

"I'm sorry, Mulder."

"Mulder, please forgive me."

"Mulder, I love you."

I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth.  I don't know if he
heard them or not.  But still, I said them.

"It's ok, Scully.  It's ok."  He kept reassuring me.  "It's gonna be ok."

I hate it when Mulder is always right.  I hate it when Mulder canfix
anything from a broken swing to a broken heart.  I hate it the way I love
him.  And I hate it when he makes me feel like I am two years old again
crying in my dad's arms cause Bill wasn't being nice to me.

He knew all along what he was doing.  He was going to push me just enough
over the edge and then he was going to be the hero and save me from
falling.  He had that whole kiss planned out.  He knew me so well that he
was positive that it would work, that I would feel better after I got past
my stuborness and do what I needed ot do most of all, cry.  He even knew
exactly how to go about doing that.

And it worked.

I told him what happened.

I felt better.

I told him my secret.

I told him something no one else knew.

And he took it like I knew he would.

"I'm sorry Scully.  I'm so sorry."

He was sorry for me, for my past, for not knowing even when he couldn't
have possible known, for kissing me, and for making all of this happen.
He still blamed it on himself.

He also promised me something, something I knew all along but felt better
to hear it being said.

"I would never do that to you, Scully.  I couldn't."

He sealed his promise with a kiss, and this time, I was able to kiss him
back.

And I didn't break free.

^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^ ~.,.~ ^.,.^

end