Dearest Mulder,

I don't know why I'm writing you this letter. I guess because I hate
the idea that there will never be any closure between us.  Five nights
ago in the desert I made the decision to send Gibson Praise to the
hospital rather than risk his life by allowing him to lead me to you.
I accepted at that moment that you were gone and I would never see you
again.  The weight of all the things left unsaid and undone are like
lead on my chest.  I eat, I sleep, not for myself but to ensure the
health of our child. I hope that somehow you know that I am carrying
your child.  In my quest to find you I took that miracle for granted
and risked losing the one thing I have left to keep me going.

I miss you.  There were so many endearing things about you I took for
granted until they were no longer there to fill my days and nights, my
hopes and dreams.  I hope that wherever you are you can feel my love
for you.  I hope it brings you some measure of comfort.  My only
regret is that we waited so long to act on our feelings, which had
been so obvious for so long.  We lost years we could have been
together, but it was always our way to neglect ourselves in the
pursuit of the truth.

John Doggett asked me how far you would go for the truth.  I guess in
my heart of hearts I always knew you would go as far as you had to in
order to find out what happened to your sister; if Starlight was real.
The guilt of her abduction shaped and molded every facet of who you
were, and you would never be satisfied until you knew.  I'd like to
think that if we had known I was pregnant you would not have gone back
to Oregon, but if I'm honest with myself I know you would have gone no
matter what.  You fulfilled your destiny, ended your quest; became
your own xfile.

So I guess I do have closure, in a way.  Your quest for the truth took
you to the heart of it and you went willingly.  I think your whole
life was meant to lead up to that moment in those dark woods.  I feel
fortunate to have touched your life, your essence, before your truths
took you away from me. Goodbye Love.
 
 

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