By Girlie_girl7
Girlie_girl74@yahoo.com
 

Date: 05-05-03
Rating: PG
Category: M&S
Spoilers: X Cops, small one for RK
Disclaimer: Fox owns 'em.
Archive: anywhere
Summary: Scully is none too happy about appearing on
television and Mulder ends up paying for it.
 
 
 
 

                         ~ Cops, What Cops? ~
 

It's a dingy little bar nestled in downtown
Washington, DC.
The usual clientele being government employees, from
the local DC city workers to upper middle management
federal employees.  One FBI Agent in particular stops
in occasionally when he needs to drown his memories
and reveal his feelings to anyone but those closest to
him.  Tonight is no different. . .
 

"So Spooky, I see you're back."  The blonde female
barkeep says.

"Yes, and I'm in the mood to do some heavy drinking?"
Mulder
replies with his shoulders slumped and his hair
hanging in his eyes.

"It's been ages since you've done that, at least
here," the blonde smiles at Mulder.

"I've never cheated on you," Mulder smiles back. "I
bring all my troubles to you."

"And you've had a poopy day?"

Mulder raises his head to look at the blonde; "No
actually it's been a shitty day," then he catches
himself, "sorry."

The barkeep runs a rag around a glass and places it
before Mulder. "And you've got troubles?"

"TROUBLE, one, with my partner." Mulder points to the
glass and the barkeep fills it.

Topping off his glass she looks down at him through
her shaggy haircut. "So what did you do Spooky?"

Mulder swallows his drink and with a grimace on his
face says, "What makes you think I'm the one who did
something wrong?"

The barkeep puts both hands on the bar and says,
"Well, you're a man aren't you?"

Mulder points to his glass. "I think I'd be getting
more sympathy from a male bartender."

She fills his glass once more, "So you going to tell
me now or blubber about it after you've had a few?"

Mulder puts his glass down and drops his head and
softly says, "It
all began when we were in Willow Park, California
investigating a case, which my partner was less than
enthusiastic about.  In the middle of it this camera
crew from Cops shows up, that did not sit well with
Scully."

Mulder gets a silly grin on his face and downs another
drink.  "I thought it was pretty cool.  Monsters, full
moon, cameras rolling; what more could a guy want."

The blonde barkeep just stares at Mulder.

"Anyway, we were looking for an eight feet tall thing
covered in fur with glowing, red eyes and claws."
Mulder brings his hands up like claws but quickly
drops them when he sees the blonde barkeep frown.

He slugs back another drink and quietly says, "It was
a werewolf."

The blonde barkeep is now leaning against the wall
with her arms crossed and staring at Mulder.  "So let
me get this straight, up until now you've had no idea
what you've done?"

Mulder is now a little relaxed or inebriated as the
case may be.  "No.  We were looking for the attacker
of Hyman Escalara, who died of his wounds in a Compton
hospital."  Mulder shifts on the barstool and motions
for a beer.  "The Sergeant in charge was one tough
cookie. She was the Cops version of my partner."

The blonde is now mopping the bar but still riveted to
Mulder's story.

"So we are being followed around by this camera crew
and all of the sudden with no provocation Scully is
reaming me out because we're on TV, like its my fault
and it wasn't even live TV!  I saw it as an
opportunity to capture concrete proof of the
paranormal.  Did I mention it was pretty cool."

The blonde looks at him from under her bangs, "Yes you
did."

Mulder chugs down another gulp of his beer.  "Scully
thought I was playing to the camera but I'm that way
all the time.  It's who I am," Mulder says with a half
grin.  "Then she says it could ruin my career.  She
was the one who was delusional.  I'm just a scab on
the FBI's ass as far as they're concerned."

Mulder rests his chin on his fist and continues, "Then
all I did was ask her to keep an eye on one of the
wounded deputies and she got all pissy with me, she
was even nasty to the cameraman.  You know sometimes I
just don't understand that woman."

The blonde draws a beer for another patron and turns
back to Mulder.  "So Spooky, you didn't do a thing?"

Mulder shakes his head, "Not that I am aware of."

"She just got mad at you for no reason."

Mulder chugs down another drink of his beer.  "It
would appear that way."

"A huh," is all the blonde says.

Mulder loosens his tie a bit.  "Then to top the night
off the Sergeant thought we were looking for
gangbangers.  I tried telling her that she was missing
the obvious but she just wouldn't listen to me."

The blonde barkeep makes change for a customer and
returns to Mulder's rambling diatribe.

"Scully, bless her heart, did try to save my ass when
the werewolf bites turned out to be insect stings," he
grins.  "She said they could have easily been mistaken
for one another.  If she really believed that then she
must have over slept the day Med. School covered
insect bites."

Mulder slams his glass down on the counter.  "Then
Scully is pissed-off at me because Skinner, that's our
boss, agreed with me."  Mulder finishes the last gulp
of his beer and indicates he wants a refill. "It must
be a male, female thing," he mumbles.

The blonde refills the glass but keeps an eye on his
consumption.

Now Mulder is gesturing with his hand, "There was
this, this sketch artist and he was attacked but did
Scully agree with me that a monster was on the loose?
Nope.  She's one hard-headed little FBI Agent."  He
leans over a bit unsteady and says softly, "Don't tell
her I said she was little."  Then he grins, "She is so
cute being so little."  He takes another drink.
"Always amazes me."

The barkeep wipes the sweat from the bar where
Mulder's glass has been setting.

"Then we run into these two very gay men.  Now I have
nothing against gays but these guys were so over the
top, well I had to laugh.  Scully thought that was
unprofessional," he sighs.

He loosens his tie even farther and rubs a hand over
his unruly hair.  "I really got into deep shit when I
made this crack about Bubble Gum Pink being a good
color for my partner.  One little crack and I get this
look that only Scully can give and believe me its
scary!"

The blonde fills the bowl in front of Mulder with
nuts.  "And all of this was on tape?"

Mulder looks surprised, "Well yeah."

The blonde shoots him a look of her own.

Mulder swallows hard and continues, "Later we heard
screams coming from the gay couples house.  We
couldn't get in so I broke down the door."

The barkeep glares at Mulder while she cleans a glass.

Mulder drops his head slightly as if embarrassed.
"The FBI had to reimburse Steve and Edy for the door.
Turns out it was unlocked."  He shakes his head;
"Scully hates the extra paperwork dealing with
reimbursements.  The K-40 form is a bitch to fill
out."

The blonde barkeep sighs, "And who does the paperwork
Spooky?"

Mulder drops his head, "Ahh, that would be Scully."

"I see," the blonde barkeep bites. "So what happened
to Steve and Edy?"

Mulder clears his throat.  "We sat there for almost
two hours.  Edy was upset and I was trying to calm
her, I mean him, down."

"I see," the barkeep says once more.

Mulder gets exasperated at the pretty barkeep.  "Is
that all you woman can say is 'I see'?  Scully says
the same thing."

"We do when the men in our lives make idiots of
themselves," she replies.

Mulder squints at the woman unsure if he wants to
continue.  "Anyway, we settled the domestic we walked
or broke into then Scully had a fit and fell into it
when she saw more cameras," Mulder is slowly losing
the battle with sobriety, "and I don't know why.
She's very phono, phono, she looks pretty in front of
a camera."

He is now resting both elbows on the counter and
balancing the glass between his hands.  "Then all I
did was ask her to put some damn gas in the car and
you would think from the look I got I had just ask her
to burn down an orphanage.  That look could freeze the
balls off. . . well she glared at me."

The blonde draws a breath and says, "So Spooky, in
front of twenty million people you told her to get
gas.  I thought she was your partner not your slave."

Mulder sticks out his bottom lip and whines, "But she
had the car."

"So what happened next?"

"Scully went to do an autopsy.  Did I mention she is
also a pathologist?"

"Yes you have, in the past."

"So Scully is performing an autopsy and this woman
assigned to assist her just kinda wigs out."

The blonde looks puzzled. "Wigs out?"

"Yeah.  She claimed she had the Hantavirus and
collapsed and um, she died."

The barkeep's eyes grow wide.  "Died?  Sounds like she
did more than just 'wig out'."

Mulder ignores her comment.  "I told Scully it was
fear being passed from person to person, that each
person saw or experienced what they feared most."

The barkeep lifts Mulder's glass to wipe under it.
"And your partner didn't buy this story?"

"No she usually doesn't," he says running his finger
around the lip of his glass and adding, "but this time
she was so totally closed off to it.  I just couldn't
understand it."

"I see," the barkeep responds.

Mulder stops playing with his glass and looks the
woman in the eyes, "Now don't start that again and I
am not an idiot."

"I see," the barkeep teases.

Mulder shoots her a glance and continues, "Anyway we
ended up back at the crack house we had been to
earlier in the evening.  We heard noises and Scully
pulls the closet door open and the camera crew
huddling in there screams and Scully nearly jumps out
of her skin."  Mulder smiles and tips up his glass
once more. "Actually it was pretty funny."

The barkeep frowns at him, "So this is how you back up
your partner Spooky?"

"No, not always."  Mulder takes another gulp of his
beer.  "I'm a great partner.  I watch her ass, I mean
her back all the time."

The barkeep ignores Mulder's slip up.  "So what was in
the house, a fearful monster?"

Mulder glares at her.  "You know sometimes you remind
me so much of Scully that it's scary," Mulder says
sarcastically.  "You going to listen to me or what?"

The barkeep makes a sweeping motion with her hand, "Go
ahead."

"So we heard the deputy screaming but he's locked in
an upstairs room so I busted down the door.

"Another K-40 form to fill out," the barkeep asks as
she crosses her arms.

"No the FBI doesn't reim, reim, pay damages to crack
houses," Mulder says finally getting the words out.

"Mores the pity," the blonde sighs.  "Go on."

So I busted down the door and we find the deputy on
the floor bleeding but alive."

"Who got to him, oh right, it was the fear monster,"
the barkeep teases.

Mulder frowns at the woman before him and says, "You
know you were more sympathetic the last time I was in
here."

The blonde stops rinsing a glass and replies, "The
last time you were in here you had been nearly killed
by a flying cow.  So did you catch the perp?"

Mulder shakes his head, "Perp?  You know you really
should stop watching LA Law."

The blond looks puzzled.  "Spooky when was the last
time you turned on the TV?"

"No we didn't catch the 'perp'," Mulder says
sarcastically. "The sun came up and the fear went
away."

"Where did it go?"

Mulder leans foreword on his arms and says, "You
really do sound like my partner, anyway we got back to
the motel where Scully ripped me a new one for asking
her to get gas then she stomped off to take a shower.
I found out the steam coming from under the bathroom
door wasn't from the hot water it was coming from
Scully and I caught it again when she came out."

Mulder is beginning to get a little maudlin, "I hate
it when she's mad at me, I mean really mad at me; I
don't have my best friend to talk to and I miss her."
He tips up his glass then wipes his hand across his
mouth.  "She really is a fine agent and a credit to
her sex.  I mean sex as in gender not sex as in the
sex way."

The blonde barkeep puts a hand on top of Mulder's
glass.  "Okay Spooky, you've had enough."

"No, no, not me, never." Mulder shakes his head. "I
could never get enough of Scully, but I'm 'fraid she's
gonna get fed up with me and leave my sorry ass."

The blonde looks sympathetically at Mulder, "I'm sure
she knows what she is dealing with Spooky, she done it
long enough."

Mulder's eyes turn red.  "I only want what Steve and
Edy have, not, not with a guy but with Scully."

The barkeep looks confused, "So let get this straight,
you want a homosexual relationship with your
heterosexual female partner?"

Mulder gets a blank look on his face.  "Yeah, I guess.
 Could you repeat that?"

The barkeep smiles at Mulder and nods to someone over
his shoulder.  Scully approaches him from behind and
quietly sits down on the stool next to him.

Mulder is babbling now, "She really hates me this
time.  I screwed up royally.  She'll pro'ly run off
with some big greasy blonde haired agent named Sven
and leave me."

Scully leans into her partner, "Mulder the bureau
doesn't have any agents named Sven."

Mulder looks up at his partner with watery eyes then
it dawns on him who she is.  "Scully, you didn't leave
me for Sven?"

Scully laughs and pushes the hair out of Mulder's
eyes.  "No, I didn't and I would never leave you, not
even for a Bruce or a Tom or a David."

Mulder slowly closes his eyes as a thin smile crosses
his face.

Scully moves in a little closer and softly says, "And
Mulder, I'm sorry I wasn't very nice to you during our
last case.  I know what happened was not your fault."

Mulder's nose is running and like a typical man, he
wipes his eyes and his nose on his dress-shirt sleeve
then he swallows hard and says, "I love you Scully."

Scully runs her hand up and down the back of his suit
jacket and says with a smile, "I know and I love you
too."  Taking his hand she pulls him off the barstool.
 "Come on let's go home."

Mulder stands on wobbly legs, "'kay Scully but first I
really gotta pee."

Scully has to chuckle at her partner, "Okay, I'll wait
right here, oh and Mulder try to hit the urinal."

Mulder nods his intoxicated head.  "I will try to do
that," he assures her as he staggers to the men's
room.

Scully opens Mulder's wallet, "So what are the
damages?"

The barkeep looks puzzled, "I thought Spooky had his
wallet on him."

Scully smiles up at her.  "He did until I palmed it
while I was rubbing his back," she says placing a
credit card on the counter.  "Here's his Visa and give
yourself a big tip."

The barkeep runs Mulder's credit card just as he
appears from the bathroom.

Scully hops off her stool. "All done?"

"Yup and I even washed my hands," Mulder grins holding
up his hands like a big third grader.

Scully smiles and grabs his hand.  "Come on Mulder,
there's a nice, warm bed with your name on it."

Mulder smiles down at her, "I hope your name is on it
too."

Suddenly the barkeep says, "Dana, you forgot this."
She hands Scully Mulder's wallet.

Scully pockets it saying, "Thanks for calling me. He
can be a handful sometimes."

The barkeep smiles, "Anytime Dana.  You know he really
does care about you."

"I know," Scully softly replies.  She finds Mulder
leaning against the doorframe, his mouth ajar and head
rolled back looking like he's trying to sleep
vertically.  She slips her hand into his.  He stirs
and looks down at her with a dreamy smile as they walk
out together.

Just then a man in his late thirties wearing a suit
and weary look sits down at the bar.  He points to the
counter. The blonde barkeep pours him his usual.
"Poopy day?" She asks.

He tosses back the drink. "Ahh.  The worst, its my
partner. . ."
 

 
                         ~ The End ~