Title: Dear Mr. Cook
Author: Lynn Mander
Rating: G, Humor, implied MSR
Season: End of Season 8
Spoilers: General for Season 8
Summary: CC tries to assuage Fox Executives faced
with a Mulderless Season 9.
Disclaimer: I make no claim to any of these
characters, 1013 Productions or Fox Television.
This memo is fiction. I've never even visited the
Fox Studios when I visited Hollywood. No disrespect
intended to CC - he brought a fascinating series to
life... and deserves a big hand. (Which is why I'm
subtly offering ideas to him.. the man needs
help... shutup.. ok).
Archive: Yes.
Feedback: I live for it.
Note: I meant to get this out earlier (where did
the summer go?) and by now should get over DD's
absence but ... it's so cosmically wrong to end a
series this way. I haven't read anything at all
about Season nine (I'm not even sure if I can bear
to watch), so any resemblance to actual events,
real or imagined, is purely coincidental.
Fanfic Trivia: Though I really hate to confess just
how many fanfics I've read over the years (yes,
plural), I would like to share the results of my
unofficial 'poll' of more than 1000 stories on the
most (over) used phrase found in X-Files fan
fiction. Ready? It's "she let out a breath
she
didn't know she was holding." Along with variations
"he, we, they", this phrase is contained in at
least 80% of the stories I've read.
***************************************************
*
Confidential Memo
To: Bob Cook, 20th Century Fox Television
From: C. Carter, 1013 Productions
Date: May 15, 2001
Re: Season 9 - No Mulder
Dear Mr. Cook:
I know that the departure of David Duchovny (DD)
has caused much consternation among the studio
heads. Further, I realize that they largely blame
me for the fact, not only that DD left the series,
but that I failed to properly prepare a plausible
story arc throughout Season 8 to compensate for
this impending loss.
However, I wish to assure the powers that be, that
I have covered every eventuality as far as Season 9
is concerned, and I hereby submit a number of plot
devices that can be utilized in our various
episodes in the coming season.
Obviously killing off Mulder is the most
expeditious way to explain his absence, but having
used that device in Season 8, I wouldn't want to
subject poor Scully to another funeral. I do
believe that we can string along our huge legion of
fans and viewers for another entire season by
pretending that DD is still on the show. Set
design has already incorporated various framed
photos of DD, Gillian and the baby around the set
of Scully's apartment. And huge kudos to the talent
agency that found new twin girls who will act as
'Will' this season - their uncanny resemblance to
David is a delightful surprise. But I digress.
Herewith my concepts:
Plot Concept 1: 'Quantum Leap' - Mulder runs out
to buy pablum for Will and is hit by a bus full of
Japanese tourists; extensive plastic surgery is
required which spans several episodes, and when the
bandages are finally removed (during sweeps week),
amazingly he looks just like Scott Bakula. (Note:
I've checked with Bakula's agent, and based on his
current show's ratings, we can definitely expect
him to be available by episode six.)
Plot Concept 2: "Aero Transat" - Mulder
mysteriously disappears on a routine flight from
Washington to Los Angeles where he is planning to
meet with Fox executives to negotiate the movie
rights to his upcoming tell-all book (Serpico meets
When Harry Met Sally) about his work on the X-
Files. Throughout Season 9, the FBI receives
mysterious faxes from one 'George Hale' in
Uzbekistan.
Plot Concept 3: 'Love Nest' - In the aftermath of
a huge domestic fight, brought on by Scully's
refusal to bring Mulder's leather couch and fish
tank into her apartment, Scully finally confesses
her clandestine love affair with Skinner to Mulder
in a tearful phone call. Via one last angry email,
Scully learns that Mulder has gone 'underground'
with a fake identity - M. F. Luder.. Occasionally
he writes an article for OMNI magazine, in which he
leaves obscure messages for Scully.
Plot Concept 4: 'Badlaa Redux' - Scully discovers
that Mulder's previous brain disease has returned
with a vengeance and he has only days to live. She
spends those days running around with Agent Doggett
trying to solve X-files that have nothing to do
with Mulder's illness - a strategy that seemed to
work during the entire time Mulder was abducted in
Season 8.
Plot Concept 5: 'Cell Phone Mulder' - With her
maternity leave behind her, Scully returns to the X-
files and becomes a working mom with a difference.
She has a wonderful, warm and loving househusband
who spends his days taking care of their six-month
old son. However, since all of Season 9's eps
conveniently take place on the road or at the FBI
building, we never actually see Mulder. Scully
spends most of her time on the phone giving him
'mommy' advice or consulting with Mulder about his
views on various case files. At times we hear
Mulder's voice talking to Scully (sounding
strangely like a digitized compilation of words
Mulder has spoken in past episodes).
Plot Concept 6: 'Body Parts Mulder' - This, my
personal favorite, lends itself to a season of
light-hearted episodes - incorporating spoofs - a
perfect ending to the series. A glimpse of the back
of a head, a leg here, a hand there, a shadow, a
mysterious man leaving a room suddenly, a naked
backside in the shower, a snuggling Mulder under
the covers in bed with Scully. The possibilities
are endless ... who was that masked man?
As I'm sure you'll agree, the absence of DD has
opened up whole new directions, that, quite
frankly, almost write themselves. I look forward
to discussing these concepts, and more, at our next
script meeting.
Yours respectfully,
C. Carter
1013 Productions Inc.
PS In the event you're not crazy about the Scott
Bakula thing, I can look into Hugh Grant's
availability. My sister-in-law is a friend of his
American agent.