by Wombat
thewombat@dial.pipex.com

Disclaimer: no cows were killed or injured in the making of this
website. Cows have suffered enough - Gary Larson
cartoons, films like Apocalypse Now, Starship Troopers, the
infamous cow tipping scene in Heathers... Cows have a
pretty rough deal all round, and I don't want to add to that.
Me, I haven't even eaten a burger since 1985, except this
one time I went to Prague and the alternative was some kind
of national dish involving pig trotters. Anyway, I'd like to take
this opportunity to apologise to cows everywhere. The
Prague thing won't happen again, guys, and that's a promise.
Thanks also to fellow opponents of cow abuse in the movies
who have pointed out other examples of gratuitous bovicide.
Never let it be said this website isn't afraid to point a finger
(paw, whatever) at the guilty. Step forward, the directors of
Jurassic Park, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Twister,
and let the world see your shame!

Inspired by and dedicated to the divine Anna, who wrote a
vignette some time back which included a mention of
Mulder's neighbour, Mrs Wicker, who wouldn't even answer
the door to him any more. Here are the reasons why...
 

***

Dear Mr. Mulder
by Wombat
 

Dear Mr Mulder,

Hi! And welcome to 2360 Hegal Place! I'm Tina Wicker, your
new next door neighbour and the unofficial head of the 2360
Hegal Place residents' committee. You'll find us a quiet but
friendly little community. On behalf of all the other residents, I
hope you'll enjoy your stay here! I'll probably come round
and introduce myself when you've settled in.

Tina Wicker

P.S I'm heading down to IKEA later this week. Just leave me
a note if you want to come along - I notice you're rather short
of furniture!

*************

Dear Mr Mulder,

I'm so sorry we keep missing each other. You do work some
strange hours, but I hear that you're an FBI agent so that's
quite understandable! I'm sure we'll all feel a lot safer, knowing
that you're here. By the way, some men came along to
rewire your apartment. You were out so I let them in - I hope
that's all right.

Oh, and just something to be aware of: I'm sure you
appreciate that the walls of these apartments are rather thinner
than they could be. Please could you be considerate and
keep your TV turned down after midnight, especially when
you're watching your "specialist" videos!

Thanks,

Tina

*************

Residents' Newsletter

... and finally, would whoever owns the large van with the
blacked out windows that keeps taking my parking space
please find somewhere else to park?

Thanks, Tina

*************

Dear Mr Mulder,

I notice three very peculiar people entering your apartment
the other day. When I challenged them, the tall blond one
said they were looking for bugs. If you have a pest control
problem, which I might add is hardly surprising given the
number of fast food boxes you seem to leave around your
apartment, may I remind you that it is a matter for the janitor.
Incidentally, if you do feel that you have to deal with this
problem yourself, you may wish to change the firm you use
as these appear to be making free with both your apartment
and your video collection. Incidentally, the short one with the
dark greasy hair made an extremely improper suggestion to
me. I hope you will take this up with their supervisor.

Tina

P.S I noticed you had tape on your window again. If it's
broken you should arrange for the maintenance people to call
round to fix it.

*************

Residents' Newsletter

I'm sad to report that there has been a theft of food from the
communal chest freezer in the basement. The use of this
freezer is a privilege, not a right, and if any further thefts occur
the caretaker may be forced to padlock it. Of course, this may
be a simple case of mistaken identity. If so, could the person
who removed a freezer bag of frozen chicken livers please
replace it? Thank you.

On another note, the caretaker has asked me to mention that
quite of number of the grilles covering the ventilation ducts
have been unscrewed. If you have small children, please do
make sure that they are supervised at all times.

*************

Residents' Newsletter

... congratulations to Mr Cummings on his appointment to the
Wetlands Preservation Subcommittee, to Dr Middleton on
her appointment as a surgical resident and to Jackie Tolson
for finishing her doctoral thesis on applied cryogenics
technology. Well done also to Mr Mulder, whose most recent
case made the front pages of both the National Enquirer and
the Weekly World News (Human Liver Fluke Terrorises New
Jersey)...

*************

Dear Mr Mulder,

I feel I ought to tell you that I met a young man in black leather
outside your door the other day. He said that you'd asked
him to feed your fish and forgotten to give him your key.
Since he seemed quite friendly and appeared to know you, I
arranged with the caretaker to lend him the spare until you got
back. Hope this is OK!

Tina

*************

Dear Mr Mulder

There was someone else trying to get into your apartment
this morning - a tall balding gentleman wearing a trenchcoat.
Apparently you asked him to feed your fish too, and you
hadn't given him a key either! I told him I'd given the spare to
the man in the leather jacket and he seemed most put out. Oh
well, as long as one of them is feeding your fish, I don't
suppose it matters too much!

Tina

*************

Dear Mr Mulder

The young man in the black leather was here again today.
Apparently you changed your lock and forgot to give him the
new key again. I really can't keep lending him the spare like
this.

Tina

P.S I notice that you are still keeping your TV on through the
night, also that you're still practising with your basketball inside
the building. Do you *ever* read any of my notes?

*************

Mr Mulder,

I had to use the lift last night after straining my ankle quite
badly after a visit to the gym, and I was quite horrified when
the doors opened to reveal the black gentleman who visits
you from time to time fighting with the tall bald gentleman from
your office. Now I'm aware that your private life is none of my
business but I'd appreciate it if you would ask your friends to
take their personal quarrels to a more appropriate location,
especially when you are away on one of your cases.

Tina

P.S Your mail was building up in your box while you were
away, so I'm keeping it safe in my apartment for the time
being, since it seems to include a couple of parcels of videos.
Someone seems to have sent you a Victoria's Secret
catalogue by mistake! Sometimes I swear I don't know how
these companies get hold of people's names!

*************

Residents' Newsletter

I have had a number of complaints about fast food deliveries
being made to the building at all hours of the night. Please
could residents be more considerate, especially late at night
when others are trying to sleep.

Also, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a lot
more helicopter traffic over the building at night these days?
No word from the management company about fitting energy
efficient window units to keep the noise down, but we live in
hope!

*************

Residents' Newsletter

Good news! It seems that our hard water problems will soon
be a thing of the past! I ran into the engineers on their way
upstairs to fit a new water softener, so no more grumbles
about the management company never doing anything for
us! The engineers told me that there may be a slightly funny
taste in the water for a couple of days, but when I drank some
earlier it seemed fine to me. Anyway, just a short newsletter
today. I have quite a bad headache and the disembodied
voices of the Brady Bunch are being beamed down into my
apartment by secret government spy bases on the moon,
so I'm having to keep all the lights turned off. I think the foil
helmet is helping, and at least the voices aren't plotting
against me like Mr Sczlaruk in number 12 and the Lincolns in
number 22.

Tina

P.S The invisible kitty that lives behind the walls wants me to
tell you that I hate my mother.

*************

Residents' Newsletter

...all shocked and saddened at the murder of long time
resident Mr Lebowski by his wife. It's unexpected tragedy
like this that draws us all more closely together. On a more
personal note, thank you all for your concern for my health
after my last newsletter. Good news - the psychiatrist says
that my little 'episode' was due to an allergy to the new water
softening chemicals and I should be out of the secure facility
and back with you in two or three days, pending a few routine
tests...

*************

Mr Mulder,

I was quite appalled to receive news that you were involved
in a shoot-out with your partner and the dark haired gentleman
in the leather jacket outside the building last night. This is a
residential area, not a shooting range. Next time I will call the
police.

Ms Wicker

P.S I most sincerely hope that isn't a bullet hole in your
window.

****************

Mr Mulder

I and the other residents would appreciate it if you, your
partner and your boss would take your arguments elsewhere.
May I remind you again how thin the walls of these
apartments are? I understand that people in most jobs settle
their workplace differences by sitting down and talking it out
around a table, not by shouting and threatening each other
with firearms.

Ms Wicker

P.S Next time I will most definitely call the police.

****************

Mr Mulder

Please remind your friend, Ms Scully, that dogs are not
allowed in this building. Could you also mention that perhaps
she should also consider feeding it more often. Old Mrs Grant
mentioned to me earlier today that it was giving her some
very hungry looks.

Ms Wicker

***************

Dear Dana

Hi! It was great to finally meet you. Who would believe that
agent Mulder would have such a down to earth partner? I was
sorry to hear about your little dog, what a tragic way for him to
be killed. Thanks for your advice about going for that Internet
date I was telling you about. It wasn't really that much of a
success, to be honest. I lost all that weight but when I met him
he just didn't seem to be interested. Oh well, those are the
breaks, I guess.

Tina

P.S I wonder if you could mention to your partner about
keeping his television turned down, also could you remind
him of the new resident's committee guidelines about fast
food deliveries after midnight and the playing of ballgames
indoors?

**************

Mr Mulder,

Please stop bouncing your basketball on the walls and
ceiling! It is most inconsiderate and extremely distracting for
other residents. I notice that you have tape over your window
again - if you have managed to break it again, may I remind
you again that you need to submit a form to maintenance.

Ms Wicker

***************

Residents' Newsletter

...all shocked and saddened at the recent murder of a visitor to
the building just outside Mr Mulder's apartment. The police
have assured me that the killing was a shocking but random
act of violence, and the building management will be
replacing all the locks and fitting additional security measures...

****************

Mr Mulder

No, I'm afraid that I'll be unable to feed your fish while you go
on holiday. Why don't you get the young man in the black
leather jacket to do it, I had to let him into your apartment
*again* the other day. If you asked him to keep an eye on
the place while the maintenance men rechecked the wiring
you should at least have given him an up-to-date key. He's
knocked on my door so many times we're practically on first
name terms. It's all right for now, though, I've given him your
spare so he can get a copy made. Incidentally, he was
looking rather the worse for wear. Has he done something to
his arm?

Ms Wicker

***************

Residents' Newsletter

'... all shocked and saddened by yet another death, that of Mr
Ostlehoff from flat 52 who apparently chose Mr Mulder's
apartment in which to shoot himself. The victim was not, as at
first believed, Mr Mulder. Condolences to Mr Ostlehoff's
family. Goodbye also to Mrs Lee and Ms Goldman, both of
whom are moving out at the end of the week. May I remind
tenants that although the management company has been
very understanding in this instance, a month's notice is
normally required...'

*************

Dear Fox

What a pleasant conversation we had in the hall the other
day! It just shows that anyone can be a good neighbour if
they just make the effort! You almost seemed like a different
person.

Tina

P.S I hope your visit to Dana went well! It's kind of flattering
that you came to me for advice about finally asking her out. All
I can say is, it's about time! We were all starting to think you
were a hopeless case!

*************

Excerpt from Letter from Tina Wicker to the Manager, Hidden
Agenda DC City Tours

...if you do not refrain from including Hegal Place on your
'Conspiracy Theory Trail' tour of the greater DC area I will be
forced to ask the building owner to take legal action...

*************

Residents' Newsletter

...and to Ms Miller for her new partnership in local law firm
Carter, Black and Davies. Finally Mr Mulder seems to have
achieved notoriety in the tabloid press again. ('Slayings linked
to Texas Trailer Trash Vampires')...

*************

Mr Mulder

If you must entertain your young friend in the black leather
jacket, the very least you could do is shut the door behind
you. I appreciate that these are the 1990's, but the door
does lead onto a communal hallway and some of our
residents are quite elderly and easily shocked. I appreciate
too that a quick kiss on the cheek does not triple X material
make, but really, try to be a little more discreet about your
love life.

Tina Wicker

P.S I take it your date with Dana didn't work out?

*************

Washington Post : Property section cutting

'... crime rates among the lowest in the DC area. Our verdict -
certainly worth considering if you're thinking of starting a family.
On the other end of the scale are the unlucky residents of
Hegal Place in Alexandria, an apartment building with a
murder/suicide rate similar to those in the worst of
Washington's crime infested housing projects. City officials
are mystified as to why this small block of unremarkable
apartments, populated in the main by retired couples and
young, single professionals, has averaged one violent death
or attempted murder a year over the last few years.
However if you do feel like taking the risk, property prices in
the surrounding area are falling all the time...'

*************

Residents' Newsletter

...still awaiting an explanation for last week's shooting incident
outside the apartment block, witnessed by a number of
residents, involving Mr Mulder and an ambulance driver.
Apparently, Mr Mulder left for Antarctica immediately after
being discharged from hospital and will be unavailable for the
next several days. I'm certain that when he returns he'll be
able to explain this to everyone's satisfaction before I bring
this matter up with the building management...'

*************

Type-written letter, smelling strongly of cigarette smoke.

Dear Mrs Wicker,

Re: 2360 Hegal Place

I've examined with interest the extensive file you have been
kind enough to send me about the activities of my tenant, Mr
Fox Mulder of apartment number 42.

However as the landlord I simply do not have the grounds to
evict Mr Mulder. None of the murders or suicides in the
apartment block have been directly linked to Mr Mulder by
the police, and I fail to see how he could possibly be
responsible for your allergy to the new water softening
chemicals, the disappearance of foodstuffs from the
communal freezer or the air vent covers being mysteriously
unscrewed.

While Mr Mulder may have some rather undesirable friends,
and may not always be entirely considerate of his
neighbours, he does appear to be more sinned against than
sinning. I feel that perhaps a little more tolerance on your part
may be called for. I hesitate to mention it, but it appears that
you have become rather obsessed with Mr Mulder of late. It
may not be my place to suggest it, but considering the
'allergy' episode you described, perhaps you should
consider seeking professional help.

Yours sincerely

William Morley (landlord)

================

End