by Pattie
pattie@parentpatch.com
 

Rated: PG-13, for a naughty word.

Category: Mulder Angst, POV, Vignette

Spoilers: Duane Barry, Ascencion

Summary: Mulder works out his pain in a Journal
as he looks for Scully.

Feedback: Willingly taken into consideration at
pattie@parentpatch.com

Archive:  Gossamer, any other nice home.  Please
ask.

Disclaimers: Chris Carter, Ten thirteen and Fox Studios
own Mulder, Scully and The X-Files.  No money is earned
on my part, and I intend no copyright infringement.

~~~

Desperately Seeking

by Pattie
 
 

Here goes.  They say keeping a Journal helps a person keep
things in perspective, and that when you read the things
you wrote at a later date, you come to grips with things
that have bothered you, and remember fondly those things
that were precious, happy, or enlightening.

Perhaps this will help me sometime when I need to
understand how this fits into the equation of things.  I
have been on a personal crusade for so long, I've lost
sight of many things most people take for granted anyway,
and I have definitely not stopped to smell the roses.

I feed the fish, clean out the filter once in a while,
and check on the pH balance. Still, much of the time, they
are here and I am out either on a case or looking for...
looking for... Scully.

She was brought in to watch me and she stumbled upon
something that was meant to be hidden.  But everything she
has seen so far began to persuade her that there was some
merit to the things I have long thought to be going on with
the D.O.D. and the N.S.A.

Courtesy of Duane Barry "they", whoever "they" are, have
either killed her or are holding her for some reason I
have yet to find.  I wonder sometimes if she is with my
sister, Samantha. I also wonder if she is alive.

Since she's been gone, I don't think I've felt alive. It
was the same feeling as when Samantha disappeared, or was
taken. I felt the same numb feeling when Scully was taken
by Duane Barry. Now, everyday I search for her, and I keep
my eyes and ears open. I put out word almost every damn
place in the country that I am looking for this woman who
has become increasingly essential as a colleague, as well
as a friend.

There is a frightening sense of grief I feel when I go to
the office and spend a whole day without seeing her,
without being opposed on some issue.  I feel empty.

I filled the emptiness for one brief night with a woman
who thought she was a part of some un-holy trinity. For
one night I felt alive again, and she and her house went
up in flames. Ironically, the little gold cross of Scully's
survived that fire, and it was returned to me.  A sign not
to stop searching for its owner.

On I go.  Day to day hoping that I will someday be able
to give that gold cross to Scully. Perhaps her mother
believes I will find her more than I believe it.

A part of me can't help but wonder if someone is holding
her, or has killed her, to punish me.  Make someone I'm
getting close to dissappear, and maybe I'll forget the
reason I took this job at the X-Files Office. Well, I
won't let anyone believe they have punished me for
peering through the blinds of deceit and manipulation of
information I so desperately want to tear open.

I owe a lot to Scully. I owe it to her to find her and
hopefully find her alive. If those bastards have hurt her
in any way I will hunt them down like wild game.  There is
not a place I wouldn't look for Scully, and there is no
place the culprits can hide.

Each morning, I rise, look at myself in the mirror, and I
know I face a rough road ahead.  The journey is already
taking its toll. For each time I find a new path that may
lead me to find that woman, it is also a chance to find
peace.  Some day, I hope I will find even greater peace
when I find Samantha.

I want to believe Sam and Scully are alive. I want to
believe that there is a rational explanaton for all that
we have seen; for all that has happened. I want to believe
that there is a just end to thier suffering, as well as my
own.

Until then I am desperately seeking.

END
 
 

### The End ###