By Traveler
iluvxf@hotmail.com

Rating:  R I guess for some strong language
Category:  Mytharc, MSR
Spoilers: Lots of subtle ones from the show, a tribute
to Mr. Spock and a line from an old Poco song.
Summary:  This is a continuation of a story I started
in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.  It would probably be good to
read that one first.  This is a spiritual journey of
sorts for Mulder and Scully as they begin to put their
lives back together after the events of Season 9.
Disclaimer:  Mulder and Scully and any other characters
from The X-Files are used without permission.  No
profit is intended or received.  Lyrics to For Your
Eyes Only by Sheena Easton also used without
permission.
Authors Notes:  You Only Live Twice was my first fic
and I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful
feedback I got on it. With the exception of Weed Hope,
New Mexico which came from the original script,
locations in this story do actually exist though
Mulder's impressions of them are strictly my own.  I've
been to the Grand Canyon twice in my lifetime; it is a
magical, humbling experience.  The information on
Native legends comes from LEGEND OF THE RAINBOW
WARRIORS by Steven McFadden.   I might also add that I
have no experience with the judicial system and
therefore have no idea how probable or possible the
events in this story might be.  They were just my mind
working overtime; it's fiction, so go with it. Special
thanks to Karen for her beta help and to Pam and Chris
for their encouragement.  Also please forgive my
grammatical errors, English was never one of my better
subjects and school was a very long time ago.
Archive:  Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback:  iluvxf@hotmail.com
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

For your eyes only, can see me through the night,
For your eyes only I never need to hide.
You can see so much in me, so much in me that's new,
I never felt until I looked at you.

For your eyes only, only for you.
You'll see what no-one else can see, and now I'm
breaking free.
For your eyes only, only for you.
The love I know you need in me, the fantasy you've
freed in me.
Only for you, only for you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

WEED HOPE, NEW MEXICO
 

I needed to come back here.  Though I didn't
necessarily want Scully to see the desolation I have
lived in for the past year there were things I needed,
we needed to collect.  Files the gunmen had sent me in
the beginning.  Files that Scully and I had stolen from
our office that contained our only evidence as to what
had been done to us and what was being done to the
general public.

There are parts of the American southwest that are
incredibly magnificent and other places like here where
it's hard to imagine that any type of life exists on
this fragile plant.  I can't begin to explain how
humble I felt when I stood on the rim of the Grand
Canyon with Gibson and Eric, Albert's grandson.   It
was like looking into the desert night as I am now and
realizing that I am but a tiny speck on one of those
tiny specks I see looking back at me.

When you're young you think you own the world.
Everything is a new discovery and a new experience and
I had an insatiable passion to want to know it all.  I
took that passion with me into adulthood thinking it
would serve me well in the path I had chosen.  I
thought it was up to me to find the answers to all the
mysteries of the universe.  But it's only when the
reality of life hits you like a hard slap across the
face that you come to learn that life not only doesn't
revolve around you, it goes on without you just fine.

I still haven't come to terms with what happened to me
and perhaps that's why getting back with Scully seems
so awkward at this point.  She's asleep now in that sad
excuse for what I called home.  There's a double bed in
the trailer that I used to lay across diagonally so my
feet wouldn't hang off the end.  It's a little cozy for
the two of us and I don't think that either one of us
want to be cozy in this heat.  We need to figure out
where to go from here and I honestly can't say I know
what's best.  I spend a lot of time by myself and I
think she resents that.  I feel "alienated" for lack of
a better word and I don't know how to face her with
those feelings.  I want to know about William.  What
happened those months we were apart.  What drove her to
feel she couldn't protect him?  But mostly I just want
to know what kind of a son I had, have.  He IS my son
isn't he?  I'm beginning to sound like Scully now,
suddenly I need proof.

"Mulder?"  I flinch, you'd think in the stillness I
would have heard her coming.

"Yeah."

"What are you doing out here in the dark?"

"Thinkin'"

"You seem to do a lot of that.  Are you ever going to
tell me what you're thinking about?" Her voice is soft,
resigned, like she already knows the answer won't be
the truth.

"Fate, destiny, how to throw a curve ball."

I see her smile in the darkness recognizing the line
and she comes to sit beside me by the fire.  I don't
know why I built it, it's certainly not that cold,
perhaps it was just my caveman instincts kicking in.
It gave me a feeling of safety out here in the
nothingness.  She starts to rub my neck and I drop my
head to give her access.  "Seriously Mulder, what's
wrong?"

How do I tell her I have no idea what to do now?  I
made up my mind back there at the motel that I wasn't
going to give up and yet I don't know how to continue
the fight either.  This is why I can't do it alone, I
need her strength.

"Everything, Scully.  Everything is so damned fucked up
I don't know what to do about anything.  We shouldn't
be here together after all these years with nothing.
When did it all go to hell?"

She stops her ministrations to my stiff neck.  I don't
think she expected such a rash answer from me.

"Is that what this is, hell?"

"Isn't it?  Are you happy here Scully?"

"I'm with you Mulder.  I wouldn't want to be anywhere
else."

"You didn't answer my question.  Are you happy Scully?"

I hear her sigh at my insistence.  "I'm not sure I know
what happiness is in all honesty Mulder."

"Yeah, well neither do I and there's something really
wrong about that."

"Just what are you trying to tell me?"

"I don't know.  That I shouldn't be here, that you
definitely shouldn't be here.  That we should both be
back in D.C., back in our office," I doubt she ever
thought I felt that way, but yeah, OUR office, "working
on some damn file that nobody else would touch.   Where
we'd spend hours debating who was right and then maybe
go home and watch a movie together like normal
people...we had something going back then Scully didn't
we?" I make eye contact pleading with her to understand
my need for confirmation.  "And then suddenly things
got difficult and it all went to hell."

"Things were always difficult Mulder," she says with an
air or recognition.  "I sense you're not referring to
the work."

She's right, I'm not.

"Okay, more complicated then, personal issues."

"You mean when I asked you to father my child?"

I'm not in the mood to be nice tonight and she
definitely hit the nail on the head.  Yes, that did
seem like the time everything went to hell.

"Is that who he is Scully, YOUR child?"

She doesn't answer me right away and I get this feeling
that she doesn't know how to reply to that question.  I
really didn't mean to get into this with her just now
but suddenly I need to know where I stand.  Skinner
gave me an envelope when we fled Mount Weather.  It
contains William's adoption records.  My name is on his
birth certificate and in my heart I know it's true yet
I can't wrap my hands around the possibility of it.
Scully gave him up without my consent. I know where he
is but what right do we have to take him back?

"Why would you even ask me that Mulder?  Your name is
on his birth certificate."

Ah yes, the deflecting the question routine.  She's
angry I've brought this whole can of worms up.

"I don't know, maybe because like you used to tell me
all the time, I need proof."

"Ok, what KIND of proof do you need?"

"DNA, did you do a DNA test?"

I see those little furrows form between her eyebrows.
She still has her hands on my shoulders perhaps the
thought of choking me crosses her mind.  I can be such
an ass sometimes.

"Of course Mulder, when I first found out I was
pregnant; because of the impossibility of it all.  DO
you think I would have carried a child, or...or...whatever
it could have been without knowing how it came to be?"
Dear God, Mulder, it's what kept me going.  I had this
little life inside me that was part of you and all I
could think of was that no matter what the outcome of
my search for you turned out to be, somehow you had
made sure you would always be with me."

She's looking at me now in the firelight in complete
amazement that I would have thought otherwise.  And yet
she's just given me a clue as to why William is HER
child.  Tears start to well up in her eyes and I regret
the course this conversation has taken.  I know I'm the
cause of her pain and yet she won't admit it.

"You thought I was dead."  It's not a question, it's a
statement and I can't look her in the eyes.

"I was lost Mulder, I didn't know where to look...well I
did, but I didn't know how."

"Well I am dead Scully and William's not with you now
is he?"

"Mulder, you're not dead, please don't talk like that."

Suddenly I can't hold my feelings in any longer and I
take my anger out on her.  "I remember it all Scully,
every God damn thing they did to me. I kept trying to
hold on to those memories of us, believing they would
send me back to you but I know what it's like to die
alone.  You may think you brought me back from the dead
Scully but you're wrong. I'm not who you think I am."

She reaches out for me, but I pull away from her.  "I
did Mulder, in the hospital.  There were some
abnormalities, markers that could be traces of the
virus, but it matched an older PCR scan.  You are Fox
Mulder, whether you want to be or not."

I don't know who I want to be.  Abnormalities are
right; doesn't that bother her?  It bothers me; I'm one
big fucking abnormality.   "No, I'm not.  I'm a walking
dead man."  I get up and head back to the trailer
leaving Scully alone by the fire.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Sometime later Scully finds me sitting on that old
saggy bed with my head in my hands.  I feel her sit
behind me but she doesn't say anything at first and I
resent that she is studying me.  We used to have this
unspoken form of communication.  I don't know if it was
body language or a certain look but we could always
read each other so well.  That's not true now.  A few
days ago I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my
arms and never let go.  She has been the only person I
have ever been able to hold on to and now I feel like
we have betrayed each other in the most unimaginable
way. I know what I want and I don't know how to get it
from her without hurting her or pushing her away.
Those who plotted to destroy us for so long have
perhaps finally stumbled upon the ultimate weapon,
indifference.

"Mulder?  Please talk to me."

She's as unsure of ourselves as I am and if we are to
regain that trust, that connection we had we have to
resolve what is keeping us apart.  There is a fear in
her voice when she talks to me.  Like she knows I'm on
the verge of flight.  She's afraid she's going to wake
up one morning and find me gone only she knows that it
won't be by someone else's hand, it will be my own.
How do I tell her that's not going to happen when I'm
still not sure of it myself?  I know what lies ahead of
us and if she thinks this is hell then she has no
concept of the place at all.  I need to know why she
has given up everything, including her child for me.

"What do you want me to say, Scully?"

"I want you to tell me what's keeping you so distant
from me, why you keep avoiding me?   I know what you
want to ask me Mulder so why the hell don't you come
right out and ask?"

God, have we ever been able to just come right out and
ask each other anything?  I drop my hands to my lap and
stare at them, turning them over palms up  "I guess I
just want to know why?"

"Why what?" she asks me defiantly.

"Why you gave that little piece of me away."

"William."  Maybe she does know.

I turn around and look at her a pleading tone in my
voice, "I want to know everything.  Don't you have any
pictures of him?  Does he look like you or me?  Was he
a good kid?"

I see tears start to well in her eyes.  Eyes that now
look older to me, worry lines that I don't remember
being before, aging her beautiful face.  Shit.    She
looks away from me, down at her own hands.

"I thought you wanted to know why I gave him way." She
says with a shaky voice.

I reach over and still her hands with mine.

"Skinner already told me that.  I just want to know
about 'him'".  I reach up to wipe the tears from her
face and she takes my hand and places it against her
cheek.  It is a connection I have longed for.

"I'm so sorry, Mulder."

"I don't want you to be sorry, Scully.  I'm so fucking
tired of us being sorry for each other.  There has got
to have been some happy times weren't there?"

I want so badly to believe that sometime over that year
William had brought her the happiness I never could.
It is those happy times that I'm determined to continue
fighting for.  That somewhere in her memories there are
times she is willing to share with me.

I slide over and wrap my arm around her and we fall
softly back on that old mattress.  As we sink into the
center of it together and I can't help but chuckle.
I'm sure she thinks it's a heartless gesture and when
she doesn't say anything I tell her what's so funny.

"I feel like a hot dog in a bun."

I hear her chuckle softly to herself.

"Well Oscar, it's hot enough in here to roast us both."

A little hint of the banter we used to share gives me
hope and I drift off to much needed sleep.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

When I awake I am alone.  There is a hint of dawn
breaking through the dirty windows but all else is
deathly still.  For a moment I am paralyzed by the idea
that Scully has done the deed and is the one to have
taken flight.  I don't know how to set things right
again between us.  Perhaps we never will get back what
we had but I have to believe she wants to try as badly
as I do.  I know bringing up the memories of William is
hard for her and what I am asking of her is perhaps
more than she is willing to put herself through for me.
Does she have any idea how badly I want to know this
little child I helped create?

I find her sitting at the kitchen table, photos spread
out before her.  She smiles up at me when I approach
her.

"You look like shit, Mulder."

"Is that a compliment?"

"I'm not sure, I probably look the same."

"We have to get out of here Scully.  I need to stand in
a hot shower for about an hour so I can straighten up."

I come over to stand next to her trying to stretch the
kinks out of my back.  She looks up at me
sympathetically.

"We'll go wherever you think we should go Mulder.  But
first I want to show you some things."

She extends her hand to me, it is trembling and I know
she is trying desperately not to show the emotions that
are fighting their way through her right now.

"Scully, you don't have to do this if it's too much for
you."

"No Mulder, I think you're right.  I'm tired of us
being sorry for each other too."

I take her hand and grab the other chair, pulling it
over so we are sitting side by side.  Yes, she has
pictures.  More than I ever expected her to have
brought.  The baby pictures are how I remember him.  A
little round face and reddish hair but not many other
distinguishing characteristics.  I tell her he reminds
me of Charlie Brown and she smiles.  Perhaps it fits,
the misfit son of a misfit man.  We sit like that for a
long time.  Flipping through the memories in the
photographs.  She seems to relax a little and I get up
the courage to ask her some questions.

"So tell me, what did the Scully clan think."

"What do you mean, what did they think?"

"Did your family know I was his father?"  It seems like
an absurd question, but knowing how her brother felt
about me I needed to know.

She looks at me for a moment, resigned.  "Why wouldn't
I tell them?"  Mom knew from the beginning I think.
She was happy for me but she also knew how much it hurt
not to have you there."

"It hurts now to know I wasn't there Scully.  Please
believe that."

She doesn't say anything to that and I come to the
realization that there are issues she has with me too.

"Christmas was hard."

We sift through photos of family, Tara and Mrs. Scully
holding William.  Pictures of Matthew and William
together.  Bill, Scully and William; now that I didn't
expect.  And pictures of the other brother, Charlie who
I would have sworn never really existed.  These are not
just memories of William she is sharing.  She is
showing me what she has left behind.

"It was wonderful to have the family together for the
first time in ages," she says with the hint of a smile
on her face.  It disappears as quickly as it came. "The
only thing missing was you."

I don't know what to say to that either.  I never felt
I was a part of her family.  I still don't even though
now we share a common bond.

"Everyone tried to understand, even Bill but I don't
think it was until you were found that he realized the
depth of what we shared.  He really wanted to come home
for your funeral.  They all knew you were a good man,
Mulder."

Was I a good man?

As we come to the end of the pile there are photos of
her and William on the mall.  I can see the Jefferson
Memorial in the background.  She is smiling a smile I
wonder if I will ever see again. As he gets a little
older I begin to see something of myself in him, not so
much in his features but in his expressions.  She looks
over at me with a picture in her hand.

"He has your smile Mulder, kind of goofy."

Scully has no idea what a gift she has just given me.
He is no longer her son, but ours.

"I don't know whether to keep these or throw them
away."

"I think you should keep them Scully.  I'd like you to
keep them."

She shakes her head just slightly.  "He was a good baby
Mulder.  But there were times when he frightened me."

I frown.  "I don't understand."

"Sometimes when I looked in his eyes I swore he knew
what I was thinking.  And times when I thought it was
you I was looking at.  He could make his mobile spin
Mulder.   He was just a little baby and yet I just knew
he was something more.  I loved him so much and yet he
frightened me so."

"Scully."  I turn her face towards mine.  I want to
look her in the eyes when I tell her this.  "  I think
that William is nothing more than the potential we all
are capable of.  He's not a freak.  He's proof that the
human race can survive, like we have survived."

"Do you think he's safe out there Mulder?  I was so
afraid I couldn't keep him safe."

"I don't know if any of us will ever be safe Scully.
You can't live your life thinking that all the time.
If I've learned anything by what's happened to me it's
that."

"You don't think I should have given him up do you?"

God, what a loaded question that is.  No, I don't think
she should have given him up but I can't tell her that.
I see tears form in her eyes as I hesitate to answer
her.

"I wasn't here Scully.  How can I make a judgement on
something when I have no facts to back it up."

"I'm not asking for a report Mulder, I just want an
answer."

'I want an answer'.  How many times have I said that to
others?  Demanded it even and been given nothing but
more lies.  I can't do that to her so I tell her the
truth.

"No."

I get no reaction from her at first.  She just stares
at me but then I see the tears welling up again.  She
turns away, back to the table and the photos.  I watch
her start to divide them into stacks, one pile of
pictures of her family and one pile of pictures of
William.

"I don't blame you, Scully.  I know you did what you
thought was right but I don't understand how you could
think he would be safer with someone else."

Anger has taken over now and I see her shaking to
control it.

"What don't you understand Mulder?  That these people
who have pursued us for years wouldn't want to make him
a part of this game too?  They used me against you for
years.  Even without you there, they would use him
against me.  It didn't take me long to realize that you
leaving us did nothing to protect us."

"Well then why the hell didn't you tell me this, tell
me to come home."   'Home' what a stupid thing for me
to say.  I have no 'home'.

"Because I had to let you go.  The truth is your life
Mulder.  It's what makes yo...."

I don't let her finish. "You are my life, Scully.  You
and I together."

"And having this baby destroyed it."  She starts to
pick up the photos of William and then I watch as she
starts to tear them in half.  I have this horrible idea
that she gave up our son to get back at me for leaving
her.

"Please don't do that Scully."

She doesn't stop.  I reach over and grab her left hand
and she tries to shake me off but I increase the
pressure.  She sticks a picture in her mouth and uses
her right hand to tear it.  I reach around behind her
and grab her right hand.  Now she is furious but
doesn't say anything.  We start this wrestling match
and I end up on my ass in the chair with her on my lap.

"Scully, stop this."

"Leave me the hell alone Mulder!"  She's wrenching to
get away from me and I gasp when I get an elbow in my
still sensitive ribs.  I wrap my arms around her
tightly and rest my head against her shoulder trying to
get her to relax.  But then she head butts me and I
taste blood from where my teeth have split my lip.
This has got to stop.  I turn her around to face me,
grabbing her arms.  She is trembling now.

"I miss him so much," she says to me in anguish.

My arms go around her and I pull her to my chest.
Rubbing her back.  I know how she feels.

"Why did you leave us Mulder?"

Somehow I knew this question was coming.  There is
nothing I can say here that will make it right.  I
don't know.  Because I was a fool, a fucking idiot,
doing the same thing my father did by leaving and
destroying the family.  Is that why she gave up
William, so he wouldn't turn out like me?

I knew we'd been used and I want to tell her what I
think the whole plan was.

"I let them use me again Scully.  I let them use us
against each other.  Because I believed Kersh and you
believed me.  We where always stronger together.  They
feared US not me.   I want to tell you something, will
you listen for just a few minutes?"

She nods her head against my shoulder.

"I've been out here for a year thinking about
everything that's happened and I think there was a plan
from the beginning, that part of this conspiracy of men
who aligned themselves with the devil had a secret
agenda.  Maybe they were trying to create a human-alien
hybrid for the colonists but I also think that they
were trying to create a way to fight back.  I'll always
think of Bill Mulder as my father but I also believe
what Spender told me.  I think there were genetic
experiments going on back then, that I was a part of
that."

"Mulder."

"I know, you're going to tell me that wasn't possible
in the sixties.  You said you'd listen.  I don't think
it's a coincidence that I've survived being exposed to
the virus, being exposed to the alien blood and
whatever the hell happened to me this last time.  We
know Spender and my father worked together on the
project and that my father objected to it, to what was
being done.  Do you remember when we found those files
in West Virginia and that Sam's file had originally
been mine?  I think Sam was taken to protect me.  I
think Spender did protect me all those years because
had I been abducted the rest of the conspirators would
have found out his little secret.  But his plan was
also to use me for his own private gain.  Kurtzweil was
an OB-GYN Scully; he worked with my father.  Think
about it.  Maybe that's what my mother could never tell
me. I was the project within the project."

"Mulder, are you trying to tell me that 'you' are the
key to saving the human race?"

"I think 'we' are Scully.  Look...you're right,
technology didn't exist then to complete what they'd
started with me.  They needed the science.  'You' are
the science.  It only takes one person to ask the right
question and us being partnered together was just the
beginning.  Everything that's happened to us since then
has been a means to an end."

"Why didn't they just tell us, ask us to become a part
of it?"

"Join the conspiracy?  Listen to yourself Scully."

"Spender didn't want his little side project exposed."

"I thought the vaccine was his little side project."

"I think it was a cover up.  It was a way to make it
appear that something was being done to stop the
invasion."

"But it worked on me Mulder, didn't it?"

Suddenly I'm back in Antarctica and those masses of
cylinders, there is more than one force at work here
and we need to figure out who the good guys are.

"Yes, I believe it did, but to save you, to give you
the immunity that I naturally have."  Scully, these
last 9 years have been a test.  You and I and perhaps a
lot of others have been test subjects in one of the
greatest experiments in human history.  William is the
result of all of it, a child born with natural
immunity, a perfect human."

I'm not sure she's buying all this but she joins in my
story.

"Mulder, there may be others, I was contacted by other
parents."

"I don't doubt there are.  Scully, this may sound cruel
but I think it makes sense.  I think we were set up.
William's birth was a way to direct our interest to the
future.  This isn't about finding out the truth of
what's happened, it's about finding a way to stop
what's about to happen. I think you're right, William
would have been used too but you put a stop to that the
only way you knew how, by letting him go.  Had I been
there I never would have let you do it.  As much as it
breaks my heart, you did the right thing.  The human
race will survive Scully but not because of some
genetic manipulations by a few greedy men, we'll
survive because it's in our nature too.  We just have
to find a way to make the world safe for that to
happen."

"How can you or I make it safe Mulder?"

She's right, how can two people like us make the world
safe for billions.

"I'd like to think we could make it safe from
everything Scully but that's not up to us.  It's the
alien intervention that no one's willing to believe in
that frightens me.  Somehow the colonists know.  I
think it has to do with the artifacts, they're supposed
to bring us together but it also tipped off the
colonists.  Didn't you tell me that the others who were
abducted with me also showed signs of anomalous brain
activity?"

"Yes, but we don't know what happened to them.  The
only other person who survived that I know of is Teresa
Hoese and I have no idea where she is."  They could all
be like Billy Miles Mulder."

"You told me that Jeremiah Smith was at the compound
where I was found.  He told you he was trying to save
the abductees.  Perhaps there are others he's already
saved.  We need to find these people because we can't
do this alone Scully.  Of that I'm sure."

"I also told you Jeremiah is gone."

"Then I guess it's up to us.  Scully, I know I told you
long ago that I believe fate plays a big part in our
lives but I also believe that fate is something that
can be controlled.  The choices we make in life lead us
to where we are; it's this free will that makes us
different from any other species.  Your strength comes
from the belief in your faith and I respect that.  Your
God may have given us the tools, but it's up to us on
how we use them."

"Mulder there's one thing I don't understand in your
little scenario.  If Spender "created" you as a means
to stop the invasion then why did he set you up at
Mount Weather?  They would have killed you."

"Because Spender did something you and I will never do.
He gave up.  He was a power hungry man Scully.  He
wanted the glory for himself.  That was the reason for
his unauthorized surgery on me.  I think he thought he
could take back what he'd given me but it backfired.
Everything happens for a reason."

"Including you being abducted?"

What is she asking me?  She finally lifts her head from
my shoulder and turns her body so she is facing me.
The sobs and the shaking have lone since subsided and I
get the feeling she's bought my story.  If she can
believe it so can I.  But this has turned into a game
of 'true confessions' and I'm afraid of what she will
ask me next.

"Mulder that case in Oregon, before you were abducted.
We had that audit and it was like you had given up.
You were just going through the motions for my benefit.
And then the night I came to your room sick you told me
it wasn't worth it anymore, that the personal reasons
were too high and you wanted me to go home.  There was
more to it wasn't there?"

"I meant what I said Scully," I look away from her,
down at her hands clasped in her lap.  "Seeing you with
Teresa's baby.  It was like I had taken your life away
and for nothing more than my own personal reasons.  You
deserved so much more Scully.  You deserved to meet
some rich doctor who could buy you diamonds and take
you to wild exotic places. You'd be safe and loved and
happy."

"Mulder," I look back up to her face, she looks at me
like I'm an idiot. "I don't need to meet someone like
that, I already know a rich doctor and he's taken me to
some of the most exotic places and I've seen some
incredible things."  She caresses the sides of my face
with her fingers.  "I feel safe when I'm with him and
I'm pretty sure he loves me and I don't need the
diamonds to make me happy."

It takes me a few seconds to realize she's referring to
me and she puts her finger on the end of my nose to
emphasize the point.

"I'm not rich, Scully."

"I know more about you than you think Mulder, I
executed your will."  This admission comes with the
hint of a smile.  "I'm not talking about the money
though, I'm talking about the wealth of your soul."

Do I have one?  "I think my soul is a bit tainted."

She doesn't deny or acknowledge my comment but I get
the sense she agrees with me.

"Mulder?  What happened back then?  John Doggett found
medical records, your medical records.  They detailed
doctor visits for severe headaches, dizziness, and
nausea and described deterioration in motor skills.  It
was undiagnosed but determined to be fatal.  Were you
ever going to tell me or just wait until you collapsed
at a crime scene?  You were just going to let me go
home from Oregon maybe hoping something would happen to
you out there and I'd be none the wiser."

Was I really that transparent?  Yes, something was
happening to me but I refused to believe it.  If you
don't believe it, it can't be true.  Isn't that human
nature?

"You always were a good investigator Scully.  Look, I
came back with you to D.C. didn't I?"

"Yes, and then you ran back out there as soon as Krycek
baited you.  You were hoping to be abducted weren't
you?  That was what that whole scene at the Bureau was
all about.  How 'it's got to end sometime' you weren't
talking about the partnership, you were talking about
us."

"Scully," I say with a sigh of resignation.  "I don't
know anything about the information you and Doggett
found.  I knew what the doctors were telling me but I
refused to believe it.  They couldn't tell me what it
was or why it was affecting me that way.  I was certain
that it had something to do with Spender's work and I
knew I'd never find the answer here.  So, yeah, maybe I
was hoping to see the craft and yeah, maybe I wanted to
be abducted...maybe I always have wanted that.  Maybe I
went looking for a miracle of my own."

She looks at me with doubt in her eyes.  There is
something different about this Scully. She is so much
more vulnerable than I ever remember her.  I want so
badly to give her back her strength.  I need to do that
not only for her but for myself as well.

"I didn't want you to know that I was ill.  I knew what
I went through with your cancer and I couldn't promise
myself that I would be honest with you and let you help
me.  Hell, I didn't want you to help me especially
after seeing you with that baby.  What do they say, 'If
you love something, set it free?"  I just wanted to set
you free."

This is a lot more information than I ever wanted to
divulge to her and yet it has made me feel relief that
I've finally said it.

"Whatever happened out there Scully.  It opened my
eyes.  This isn't just my fight.  It's not personal
anymore and I want you to realize that as well.  I went
through hell and I remember every damn minute of it
right up to the moment I died.  And like I told you
before I want to make sure that what happened to me
won't happened to another soul on this planet These
files that I came back here for, they are the clues.
They just need to be put together.  You said it
yourself, the answers are there, we just have to know
where to look."

I see her expression change from doubt to
understanding.  I've said 'we' because I need her.  I
know that now more than ever.  Her hands come to rest
on the sides of my face and she strokes my cheeks with
her thumbs.  It brings back a memory of a moment in my
doorway when I told here that she anchored me in the
chaos.  I close my eyes, rejoicing in the contact.  I
feel her lips touch mine and I hug her to me deepening
her kiss.  This is not desperate as it was in the brig,
this is passionate and I feel it all the way down to my
groin.  We are both doing some heavy breathing when she
breaks the kiss and rests her head against my shoulder.
I want to pick her up and sweep her off to the bedroom
but I honestly don't think I can stand up with her in
my arms.  The truth is exhausting and I really need a
shower.  She must sense I want to break the contact
because she slides gently off my lap.  I stand up and
quietly disappear.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

A cold shower does more than just destroy your libido.
It snaps you back to reality quicker than anything and
the reality of the moment is that we can't stay here
very long.  I throw on some jeans and a tee shirt and
head back to the kitchen where I smell coffee.  I've
got some errands to run before we can get out of here
that I'd rather do myself.   Scully is sitting at the
table taping all those torn pictures back together.  I
didn't even know I had tape.
 
 

I-40, OUTSIDE GALLUP, NEW MEXICO
 
 

My little excursion has taken longer than I thought.
We had left the SUV outside the motel room and rented a
car to get here.  The guys had provided me with several
aliases when I left D.C. and I used one of them to rent
the car.  It won't take a genius though to figure out
it's me or that I turned the car back in in Gallup.
But hell, they already know we're out here and I
haven't seen any indication that the general law
enforcement population is looking for us.  I used my
other alias and paid cash for this old Silverado.  It's
huge with a cap on the back but I figured we could
sleep in it if we have too.

The scenery flying past me is desolate and yet somehow
fitting, it reminds me of what my life has become.  I
wish I could come up with a plan for us.  I don't want
to spend the rest of my life running from these men and
this is no life for Scully.  A year ago I gave up my
life so we could have a life or at least I thought I
did.  Now neither of us has a life and it's so fucking
unfair.

I can imagine what her family thinks of me now,
especially her brother and Mrs. Scully has got to be
devastated.  First her grandson and now her daughter
have disappeared.   I doubt that she cared about my
disappearance.  I wonder if Scully told her anything
about what was happening?  I'd like to think that they
came to some kind of peace before she ran off with me.
She has more demons in her closet right now than I ever
did and I don't know how to fix that.  This morning in
our fight over the pictures I came to realize that she
has deeper issues with me than just my distance.  We
haven't slept together in the past four nights.
Somehow I got through those two nights in motel rooms
without waking up screaming her name.   Every night
it's the same dream, that chair, the bright lights,
those instruments and the pain.  Why the hell didn't
she ever come for me when I screamed her name?  I think
that's what finally killed me, the despair.

I swing off the interstate and head back towards our
desert retreat.  I picked us up some Chinese food while
I was in the big city. Seems that no matter where we
are we can always find Chinese food to make a peace
offering with.  She'll either be worried sick or mad as
hell I've been gone this long, my guess is the later.
It's almost dark as I turn up the road towards the
trailer and the desert is bathed in the soft hues of
the twilight.  I used to think the sunsets at the beach
were spectacular until I came out here.  It's going to
be a beautiful clear night and I intend to take Scully
stargazing.
 
 

WEED HOPE, NEW MEXICO
 

My heart skips a beat when I see the trailer is dark.
I pull up and kill the engine. I open the door and
climb out.

"Scully!"

The door to the trailer swings open, "where the hell
have you been?"

Mad, I knew it.  She steps out of the trailer in a tank
top and shorts hot and sweaty and just a little
irritated.  She sees our new vehicle and looks at me in
disbelief.

"Mulder?  Please tell me you didn't buy that."

"No I stole it.  Of course I bought it.  We can't drive
around in a rental car in the desert."

I turn around and reach behind the seat and start
removing my haul from the big city.  I had picked us up
some provisions and clothes and of course the Chinese.
She comes over to help with the bags.

"Where did you go?"

"Gallup."

"What if someone recognized you?"

"I used my other alias."  I reach across the seat and
grab the cowboy hat.  Put it on my head and tip it down
and to the right just slightly.

"Howdy ma'am, name's Will Hartwell, can I be of
assistance?"

"Hartwell, Mulder?"

"Yeah, I knew how crazy you were about the guy," I say,
pulling in my bottom lip and extending my front teeth
in an attempt to imitate buck teeth.

I see her smirk and it turns into a full-blown smile
for both of us.  God, it feels good to smile. I hand
her the takeout bag.

"You got Chinese?"

"Yes, and after dinner I've got other plans."

That gets a questioning look from her as we head into
the trailer to heat up dinner.

"Sheriff Hartwell didn't have buck teeth Mulder."

"Whatever you say Scully."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

While Scully's rinsing off the plates from dinner I
gather up our supplies for the evening, a couple
sweatshirts, the blanket, and a flashlight.  When she
makes a trip to the bathroom and to change I reach into
the fridge and get the bottle of wine I'd stashed in
there, wrapping it in the blanket.   I'm standing by
the door when she comes out.

"Just what are these plans you have Mulder?"

"Come on, we're going for a walk."

"In the desert, in the dark?"

I flick the flashlight a couple times.

"Trust me, Scully."

That's what it's always been, a matter of trust between
us and she doesn't hesitate a moment but heads for the
door and out we go into the desert night.  I take her
hand in mine, entangling our fingers and click on the
flashlight.  We head up the small rise behind the
trailer.  There are a half dozen other trailers in this
little commune.  Some are dark and outside another a
few men sit around a fire and smoke.  I want to get
away from here, into the quietness of the night and the
brilliance of the heavens above us.  We walk for a
while until we come to the edge of a bluff.  The valley
stretching out below us reminds me of a moonscape.

"Mulder, this is beautiful."

"It doesn't look so inhospitable in the dark does it?"

"It looks mysterious."

"Well, you ain't see nothin' yet."

Scully watches me as I spread the blanket out on the
ground.    She's surprised when I produce the bottle of
wine that was wrapped in it.  You have to be careful in
the desert at night.  Scorpions love to hide under
things in the heat of the day but they scurry freely
about in the darkness.  Having been snake bit once I
don't intend to go through that hell again.  I sit down
and rest my back against some rocks.  I've come to this
spot many times in the past year to think and look to
the heavens for answers I will never find.  I spread my
legs and motion for her to sit between them.  She
complies and turns to rest her back against my chest.

"What are we doing here Mulder?"

Aah, the question of the ages.  I don't think she means
it in the context that I'm assuming.  What are any of
us doing here?  Is there a meaning to our lives or are
we really all just travelers in time?  We all want to
think we've made some contribution to the human race as
we passed through time but maybe it's enough that we
just enjoyed the journey along the way.

There are people who have left their mark in history.
Some for their incredible discoveries and others for
the heinous crimes they have committed against the
human race.  That other me, the one I left behind in
Oregon wanted his name there too.  Fox Mulder, savior
of the world.

"Look up."

She tilts her head back and I shift my body so we both
won't end up with stiff necks.  The universe unfolds
above us in a most spectacular way.  With the altitude
and the clear air here the stars are limitless.

"My God, Mulder, this is incredible."

"Yes it is.  Can you honestly tell me Scully, how
anyone could possibly believe that in all that there is
no life?"

"I won't tell you that any longer."

We are both silent for some time perhaps contemplating
the significance of what she has just said. I reach
over and grab the wine, twisting off the cap and
offering the bottle to her.  She takes a healthy swig
and hands it back to me.  It's not bad for cheap wine.
I take another swig and set it in the dirt beside us.

We are both startled when a flash from a meteor streaks
across the sky.

"You're supposed to wish on those" I tell her.

"I don't know what to wish for anymore Mulder.  I'm all
out of wishes."

"How about this...I wish our son has a long, wonderful,
happy life."

She sighs with my suggestion.

"What?"

It's easier for us to talk this way.  Not having to
look each other in the eye makes it less personal.
Pretend I'm not me Scully; just say what you feel.

"My science didn't get us William."

At first I don't understand her statement.  "What are
you saying?"

"Mulder, all the tests, everything that's been done to
me and to you and to countless others.  This project,
this idea of trying to build a better human being
through science.  It's not right.  Just think about
Emily.  You said it yourself; she was a miracle that
was never meant to be.  They're trying to play God and
it can't be done.  And...and then along comes William.  A
product of you and me in the way life is supposed to go
on, the natural evolution of things."

"Nature prevails Scully, as frightening as it can be
sometimes."

"He's not a freak is he?"

"I told you no before, not at all.  He's just better
than the both of us and you've given him a better
life."

"Did I?" She asks me with uncertainty.  "How do we know
he's going to have a better life without us?  We could
have been a family.  It's what you wanted too isn't it?
That's why you quit the FBI.  You gave up your life for
us."

"I didn't quit Scully.   I did what I've always done.
Charged blindly into something without worrying about
the consequences.  They just reminded me of the
consequences."

"Mulder, you did what I couldn't do in almost a year."

"What's that?"

"You made Agent Doggett a believer."

"And now he and Agent Reyes are in the same boat we
are.  There's got to be a better way."

I reach for the wine bottle again, glancing up when I
hear the sound of a shoe scraping the rocky soil.
Scully's sister, Melissa, is sitting on a rock not too
far from us.  She looks just like I remember her that
night she came to my apartment.  She was trying to tell
me something then too only I was too absorbed in my own
hate to listen.

I haven't had any more visions since seeing the guys on
our way out here and I certainly haven't told Scully
about them.  When I told her about the voices of the
dead I'm sure she didn't think I meant literally.
Melissa looks at me with a soft approving smile. I
think she knew years ago that Scully and I were
destined to be together and that we're here now because
that's how it's supposed to be.

"Tell her the story, Fox."

I frown, not knowing what she's referring to.

"The truth you've learned out here."

Scully senses I've gone quiet.  "You're thinking again
aren't you?"

Maybe she's the mind reader.

"About a story I've been told."

I look over to Melissa again but she is gone, picking
up the bottle, we share a swig.  I'm not sure how much
I believe of the story I'm about to tell her but I've
found that most legends and myths are indeed based on
fact and the similarities between it and the past 10
year of our lives is remarkable. This conspiracy is so
much deeper than just the both of us.

"Are you going to tell it to me?"

I remember sitting in a car with her one Christmas Eve
telling her this tale of a lover's pact, two lonely
people bound together for eternity and wonder if that's
what we're making here. This however is a different
kind of story and worth telling.

"Scully, these people who live on this land.  They have
powerful beliefs that have been handed down though
generations.  Since before our civilization ever
existed."

She senses this is going to be a long story so she
cuddles against me and I welcome the contact.  I put my
arms around her.

"You warm enough?"

"Yes, go on with your story."

"Their traditions speak of tablets that were given to
them by a messenger of the Creator.  Instructions on
how life is to be lived with respect to all things.
They believe that there are other tablets that were
given to other people of the earth.  To the different
races, containing the same instructions so that we
might all live in harmony with nature and each other.
But somehow these instructions have been forgotten
because of power and greed upsetting the balance of the
earth.  This date, December of 2012, it corresponds to
the end of the Mayan calendar, a point many believe
will signify the end of the world.

In Native myth, the earth has passed through many
worlds, the previous world having been destroyed by a
great flood; the world we live in now is to be consumed
in fire.  These Natives believe that the people must
bring these tablets together so that we may once again
read those original instructions and find a way to save
ourselves."

"They're saying modern day man has lost touch with the
earth?"

"In a sense, yes I believe so. They also believe the
answers to our problems of today can be found in the
words of the past.   Sound familiar?"

She nods her head but doesn't comment.

"When I was here before Albert told me a story of the
white buffalo.  Legend has it that many years ago the
Sioux nation came together in a great camp.  They were
near starvation.  They sent out two scouts to look for
buffalo.  While they roamed the countryside they
encountered a vision, a holy woman off in the distance.
One of the scouts found her so beautiful that he could
not resist her and ran to embrace her.  He was
immediately consumed in a black cloud which when it
dissipated, left nothing but rotting bones.  From this
was determined an eternal truth.  That he who is
attached to the physical things of this world is one
who lives in ignorance and is being consumed by the
snakes which represent his own passions.  The other
scout then knelt before her.  He was told to go back to
his people and tell them to prepare for she would
return in four days with a sacred bundle.  When she
appeared in their camp she was dressed in white and
carried the sacred bundle.  She spent four days among
the people teaching them how to live in the world and
when she left she gave them this pipe bundle. She then
told them she would return when they needed her at the
dawn of a new day.  The people were told to watch for
the birth of a white buffalo and that that would be the
sign that she is returning to help purify the world.

It's a universal legend Scully, Christ, Buddha,
Mohammed, Quetzalcoatl are all teachers who said they
would return in a time of need.  Perhaps not physically
but in a manifestation of what they represent.

The white buffalo is an omen and there have been seven
white buffalo calves born since 1994.  The first was on
the farm of a white Wisconsin family.  A spiritual
interpreter visited the family from the Sioux nation
who told them the calf was safe and protected from
danger but that its father would soon lie down his life
for the calf.  He spoke of a 'black blockage' and
shortly after that the bull died.  People came from all
over to see her.  It is said she has great healing
power and makes people aware that all living things are
equal.  She is trying to tell us something important."

I stop for a moment for another swig of wine.

"Mulder, Albert, his people, they believe you are this
mythological man the legends speak of. When I told you
I had seen him...that's what he came to tell me, that I
had to save you...for the sake of us all.  Diana, she
gave me that book, she believed it too."

"Scully, I'm no one's savior."

"Maybe not physically, but like you said...in what you
represent, this hope you have for the future."

Her hands grip mine and I caress the top of her head
with my cheek.

"There's more, if you want to hear it.  It's not all a
happy story."

"Yes, please go on."

"Another of these calves was shot and killed when it
escaped its pen.  The owners insisted it was tame and
yet law enforcement officials killed the animal because
it posed a danger to the public.  I was also told
recently that back in 1990 one of the Hopi elders, the
keeper of the Hopi tablets, appeared at a meeting in
Santa Fe.  It was their belief that as part of their
prophecy they were instructed to offer the tablets as a
sign that the earth had reached it's final stages and
that a great change was coming.  He wanted to make this
known to all people.  Afterwards his own relatives who
were members of the government affiliated tribal
council took the tablets away from him on the grounds
that he should not have shown them.

We're at a crossroads here Scully, you, me, every man,
woman and child on this planet. It's not just aliens
we're fighting here, it's each other and unless we find
a way to change that, we're gonna loose the war."

I think she's a little shocked at my sudden defection
to this harmonic convergence idea.  She doesn't say
anything for a while.  I wonder if she understands that
this story is not only universal, it's our story too.

"Mulder, these tablets, the ones Dr. Sandoz had, the
rubbing that affected you, could they be the tablets
that these legends speak of?  That ship, the one I
found in Africa, it was alien and yet it had passages
from the Bible, the Koran, a map of the human genome."

"The universal message."

"But it's all been taken out of context because it's in
pieces."

"And no one can interpret it properly."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been told that there are very few elders left who
are able to read the writings.  The younger generations
no longer want to participate in the traditions."

"Is that why it affected you the way it did, because
you could read it?"

"I couldn't read it Scully.  I think maybe someone
wanted to see if I could, remember what I said this
morning, that's why they set me up with the rubbing."

"But you said you heard voices, that you could read
minds, anticipate things before they happened."

"And it drove me fucking nuts!"  Scully tenses in my
arms with the expletive.  "Sorry, it's not something I
like to remember Scully.  I think someone wanted me to
experience the power.  To know the potential that was
there and what I could do with it.  It was killing me
Scully.  It was too much power for one man, maybe
that's what the voices were trying to tell me, the
message is for everyone."

"But this would mean that you're right, that are
progenitors are alien.  It would destroy every belief
system we know of."

"Scully, you told me that it doesn't matter who brought
you into this life.  What matters is what you make of
it while you're here.  I don't doubt that the
revelation of this information would be catastrophic in
a sense but it doesn't change the fact that whether it
was God or some alien intervention it's up to us to
carry out the instructions we were given."

We're still sitting in the same position and my ass is
starting to go numb.  I sit up a little, pulling Scully
with me.  I can feel goose bumps on her arms and rub
them to warm her up.

"We should go back."

"I'm ok and for the first time in a long time, things
are starting to make sense.  Sandoz was using Albert to
translate the rubbings.  The one he had had a passage
from Genesis on it.  When he showed it to me it began
to spin on it's own."

"The power of creation, Scully.  We all possess it.
This map of the human genome that you found, it
contains everything we as humans are capable of along
with the instructions on how to use it.  But through
generations we've misread them and forgotten them and
turned them off and now we can't figure it out.  And
then someone like Gibson and even William comes along
and through luck or fate or divine intervention these
things get turned back on enabling us to find the
answers that will save us."

"The white buffalo."

"Something like that."

"But then I don't understand, if you can't read the
rubbings, why do they want to kill you? And more
importantly, why would they want to destroy what they
helped to create?"

"I think it has to do with power and that there is more
than one faction at work here.  It has to do with a war
for heaven and earth that Krycek warned me about.  I'm
a threat to the colonists plan, they know that now.
I'm also a threat to what's left of the Consortium.
They're afraid I'll expose their plans.  Scully, some
of these men were trying to find a way to fight back. I
just don't agree with the unethical way they're going
about it."

She doesn't have anything to say to that and I'm glad.
I don't want to talk about death.  I want to feel
alive.  I pull her hair back from her face and nuzzle
her neck.  Her hair is longer than I ever remember it,
wistful, like she is now.

"I like your hair long like this."

"It keeps blowing in my face."

I pull it back from her face tucking it behind her
ears.

"There, better?"

She sighs and tips her head to the side allowing me
access to her neck and I start to plant gentle kisses
there. It took us almost seven years to get to this
point in our relationship and I don't intend to let
that happen again. She relaxes against me, my hands
creeping under her shirt seeking the hem of her tank
top and access to her skin. She is warm and soft and it
feels so good to be together like this again.  Our
strength has always come from this togetherness.  Why
do they want me dead Scully?  Because they know now,
it's the only way I will ever give up.

I continue to nibble my way across her neck.  She can
feel my breath, warm against her skin.

"Mulder what are you doing?"

"I want to see if I can remember the instructions."

She can feel my need beneath her.  This is not a safe
place to be doing this but I can't think of a more
beautiful one.  She turns in my arms and I slide down
so she is lying on top of me working my hands up her
back to unclasp her bra.  She gasps and I pull my hands
out to caress her face.

"What's wrong?"

"Was this your plan?"

"Didn't I mention it?"

She runs her finger across my lips and smiles in a shy
way.

"I...we need to...I won't get pregnant again Mulder."

We never used any protection before mostly because
neither of us thought it was possible and maybe a
little bit because we both wished it would happen.  I
smile at her a little and kiss her forehead. I feel
like I'm making out with a schoolgirl.

"I will try my best not to let that happen."

I nudge her a little to the left and slide my hand into
my pocket for something else I picked up on my trip
today.  I slip the packet into her hand.

"I think I have it covered."
 

~~~

WEED HOPE, NEW MEXICO
 

Gibson and Eric came by early this morning to tell me
they heard there was some government activity going on
in the canyon those black ops helicopters chased us out
of.  It's time for us to move on.  I'd really like to
know what came down after we fled Mount Weather.  Is
there any part of the FBI or the government for that
matter that can still be trusted?  That hasn't in some
way been infiltrated by this secret agenda to overthrow
the human race? I've thought of trying to contact
Skinner or even Doggett but I think Scully and I are
too hot a commodity right now and trying to find out
anything even using the avenues the guys set up for me
is risky.

The forces against us have made sure they've eliminated
any allies we might have had.  I'm still puzzled by
Kersh's motives.  I was certain the man hated my guts
and then a year ago he told me I had a choice.  Play
the game or die.  And then he turns out to be the man
who sets me free.

I have been incredibly blind in my judgement of
character.  I always knew Skinner was on our side but I
also now believe it was he who made sure a lot of our
evidence disappeared.  He was one of a series of
believers who were protecting us from the very people
who we thought could bring us justice.  He was just
subtler about it than Kersh.  I haven't had any visions
of either of these men, but I fear they might both be
dead.

I was relieved to see Gibson but what he had to tell me
was disturbing.  He said Doggett and Reyes brought him
back out here with them when they came to warn us.  And
while I know their intentions were honorable, they led
our enemies right to us.  He is an extremely brave
young man.  With Gibson's appearance at my trial these
men now know that he can identify the faces behind the
shadow government.  He could be the key to destroying
them and yet they let him escape.  Something else
puzzles me.  I was certain those choppers were sent
after us.  But I also can't help but wonder if
something else went down in that canyon that afternoon.
They had to have seen us leaving and yet neither of
them chose to pursue us.  Did they know it was us or
believe we were someone else?  Either way, we have the
cover of uncertainty for the time being.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

I finally hear Scully moving around inside.  She has
adapted to this inferno we are living in quite well in
the past few days.  I'm already sweating and it's not
even 8 yet. There is a mystery and wisdom to this land
and the people who inhabit it.  They have been able to
survive here, relying on the myths and legends of their
ancestors to guide them. These memories that are past
down from generation to generation are the key to their
existence.  I can't help but wonder if we in the modern
age have forsaken our memories looking only to the
future for our answers.

I don't know what time it was when we came back here
last night.  It had cooled off and the night was filled
with the sounds of the desert.  I can understand how
the settlers might have been frightened by the haunting
cry of a coyote in the night but I have learned to
appreciate the music.  It is a sign that I am not
alone.

We sat and talked for a little while and then I sent
her inside to bed making the excuse that I just can't
physically sleep in that bed.  Scully told me some more
about William.  Normal baby stuff like his first smile
and how his first tooth made him fussy and annoying.
He can't have gotten that from me.  She wondered at his
innocence and yet feared for his future.  Doesn't every
parent fear that Scully?  She said her mom got him
those pj's with the flying saucers on them that I saw
in some of the pictures.  I guess she did miss me too
because Scully said her mom used to always say when
William would do something cute how she wished I could
have been there to see it.  God, Scully, so do I.  Life
is full of little moments that happen only once and
that no one should miss.  Whatever happens to us from
here on out.  I don't intend for either of us to miss
any more of them.

Scully steps out of the trailer carrying two cups of
coffee.  She's already dressed in shorts and a tee-
shirt. I'm still in the remains of my clothes from last
night.

"Did I hear voices out here before?"

"Yeah, Gibson and Eric were here."

"Gibson."

"He's been at Eric's since Doggett brought him back
here.  He didn't want to impose on us."

"How did he know we were here?"

I lie.  I may not be able to read minds anymore but
I've discovered something that Gibson and I and I sense
all the others from the Oregon abduction have.  A
connection, a form of communication, perhaps a
telepathy of sorts, nobody needed to tell him, he knew.

"One of our neighbors told him."

"I wonder who else he told."

I know what's she's thinking, that old 'trust no one'
thing again but I've come to trust these people.

"I don't think these people would rat us out Scully.
I've been here almost a year and they have been very
good to me.  But that doesn't mean that someone else
might not overhear a private conversation.  Something's
going on up in the canyon, I think it's time we got out
of here."

"What about Gibson?"

"He says he wants to stay here and I think he'll be OK.
They know he's here Scully.  They won't make a move
unless he's a threat and alone he doesn't pose much of
a threat.  Nobody would believe him."

She looks at me with sadness. That's the whole problem,
nobody believes this.

"What about us.  Where do we go?"

I refuse to run.  There is no way they can make me run
for my life.  Last night we both came the realization
that life doesn't come with a guarantee of happiness.
Every decision we've made has carried us along fate's
path to this moment.  If we have 10 days or 10 years
together they are going to be spent fulfilling some
dreams I've had and making some memories and maybe with
them we will find some answers.  The pieces of our
shattered lives are starting to come back together and
it's a good feeling to know.
 
 

RT. 160, WEST OF FARMINGTON, N.M.
 
 

We've been on the road since early this morning,
sticking to the secondary roads, not necessarily as a
preventative measure but because there is a mysterious
beauty to this land that can only be seen from driving
though it.  We've got the windows down and the dry wind
is whipping Scully's hair from the ponytail she tied it
in when we left.  She's smiling even though it's
annoying. We packed up everything and stuffed it into
the back of the truck and then stopped by to say
goodbye to Gibson.  Scully gave him a hug and a quick
peck on the cheek.  I think she still remembers him as
that little boy who knew long ago that she believed.  I
told him we'd be in touch if we could.  I wanted to
tell him that things would be okay but he can read my
mind and I couldn't lie to him.  In all honesty I
couldn't tell Scully either where we could go that
would guarantee our safety.  There is really no safe
place for any of us.  Skinner once told me that every
day, every life is in danger and I know now he was
right.  Life is dangerous.

We have some plans to make about the future and a
decision to be made about the information I have on
William.  I haven't told her about that yet and she's
going to hate me when I do for hiding it from her.  We
can't carry this around with us even if they are only
copies.  I buried the originals in a safe deposit box
in Gallup under a name Eric gave me.  He doesn't know
what's in there either.  It's better that way.  But if
anything should happen to us, we can't risk someone
finding this information.

There has been no sign that anyone is looking for us.
I grabbed a couple papers in the gas station but
there's nothing about any statewide manhunt for federal
fugitives.  They wouldn't make this public anyway.  If
they're going to come after us they will use a little
subterfuge or they already know where we are.

I sense Scully studying me and look over at her.

"You still haven't told me where we're going Mulder."

"Now you ask?"

"You said you had some things you wanted me to see."

"Well I do."

"So, we're just going to go do some site seeing?"

"Scully, of all the times we've been in a car together,
when have we ever been site seeing?"

"We never had time Mulder."

"We never had time for a lot of things Scully and I've
come to regret that."

"Mulder, this isn't time for regrets."

I crank my window up a little.  It's hard to hear her
over the roar of the wind through the open windows of
the truck.  She does the same and suddenly it's
stifling in here.  I pull off the side of the road and
kill the engine.  There's something I need to get off
my chest.

"Why are we stopping?"  She looks over at me with those
furrowed eyebrows again.

I rest my hands on the top of the steering wheel,
looking not at her, but up the road ahead of us.
"Scully, all I have now are regrets.  If there were
some time warp we could go through that would put us
back 10 years to that day you walked into my office I'd
march you right back out the door.  You never should
have stayed with me.  I'm so sorry that you ever got
mixed up in this."

"Mulder."  We've had this conversation many times
before and I think she finds it exasperating.  "I
stayed because I wanted to."

"Scully, please, just...just let me say this."

I don't know if it's anger or frustration at her
constant need to reassure me of her intent that's
making me shake.  I take off my sunglasses and look at
her willing her to make eye contact with me and to
understand the depth of my regret.

"I don't want you to stay with me out of some false
obligation you feel.  My intentions haven't always been
honorable. You're brother's right; I am one sorry son
of a bitch because I knew why they'd sent you to my
office.  That magic bullet I was talking about, that
was you.  You were sent as a distraction and I knew
after you were abducted that your association with me
would only get you hurt.  And yet after everything else
when you decided you'd had enough I sweet-talked you
into staying with some sob story about needing you.  It
was unbelievably selfish of me."

She breaks eye contact with me to look out at the
desert that surrounds us.  The road we are on crosses
Monument Valley a vast expanse of barren land dotted
with unusual formations and red clay earth.  I could
have taken the interstate to get where we are going but
these two lane highways have become a staple of our
travels together.

"You've lost everything because of me Scully and
there's no way that a simple 'I'm sorry' can change
that. I just want you to know that I never meant for
any of this to happen."

She looks down at her sunglasses that are clasped in
her lap.

"Mulder you can be so naïve some times."  She smiles at
me and I look back at her with a somewhat puzzled
expression on my face.

"I'm well aware of what my association with you has
cost me.  But you had no more control over the things
that have happened than I have.  You're not to blame
for any of it no matter what you think."

"You're so wrong Scully."

"You keep talking about fate Mulder.  If our lives were
already mapped out for us, what would be the point in
living them?"

"Every time you make a choice you change your fate
Scully.  And I made a lot of wrong choices."

"Well, whether they were right or wrong they led you
here.  You said everything happens for a reason.  I
made my own choices too."

I shake my head at her comment.

"No Mulder, they were my choices.  Listen."  She raises
her hand to ward of my objection.  "I think at first I
stayed because I was intrigued by you, I'd never met
anyone who was so passionate over their beliefs.  I
admired you, your dedication.  And despite how
obnoxious you could be, working with you was amazing.

"I was never obnoxious."  I say in defense.

She smiles again.  "You were a pain in the ass...but you
had a nice ass."

"Past tense."

"Mulder, stop it.  It's still nice," she says with a
sigh.  "But then things started to happen and I
realized how alone you were in this quest of yours.  I
stayed because I cared what happened to you and I knew
that no one else did.  You needed someone to watch your
back."

I see her swallow hard like she's not sure how to
broach the next subject.

"Then...it became more than just your quest.  This wasn't
just about what happened to your sister anymore.  It
was about what had happened to me.  I needed my own
answers and I knew you were the only person who could
help me find them.  You weren't the only one being
selfish Mulder."

"And did you find your answers Scully?"

She doesn't answer my question.

"No one has been as selfish as me Mulder.  I got you
into something I had no right to because it was what I
wanted.  I didn't think of the consequences either.

"That was my choice Scully and it's not one of my
regrets.  You didn't answer my question."

"Did I find what I was looking for?

I give her a slight nod.

"No Mulder, not everything but then maybe we're not
supposed to, any of us.  They might have thought that
my abduction would keep you in line, discourage your
perseverance but what it really did was create in me
your greatest alley.  What you didn't question, I did."

"So, what did you find?"  I ache for her to say it.
Those three words.  I know in my heart it's true and
that the words aren't necessary and yet hearing her say
them will heal all my wounds in an instant.

"Proof."

My shoulders sag a little at this.  "Proof of what?"

"Proof of what I was feeling for you." She wraps her
arms around herself as if to draw strength from within.

"You told me once that I made you a whole person.
Somewhere along the line I realized that you were what
made me complete also.  I had powerful feelings for
you.  Feelings I tried to deny because they frightened
me.  I was so afraid of what it would do to me if I
lost you."

"And these feeling are?"  I'm leading her and she knows
it.

She looks back at me and smiles, she knows I know and
yet I see in her eyes the resolution to a truth it has
taken 10 years for her to acknowledge.

"Love, I love you Mulder.  That's why I stayed."

She needed proof?  I reach out and pull her towards me.
"Only you, Scully." I say into her hair as I hug her.

The hug lasts but a minute.  "We're sticking together
Mulder."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Only because it's 150 degrees in here."

I start the truck and pull back out onto the road.  I
do have something I want her to see and then we've got
some decisions to make.

"You want the air on?"

"Please."
 

QUALITY INN, TUBA CITY, AZ
 
 

My desire for a firm mattress outweighs any caution I
might have.  We're registered here as the Hartwells'.
It was a long hot drive, I need a shower and then I'm
taking Scully to dinner.  We're gonna act like normal
people for once.  She thinks I'm insane.  This 'hiding
in plain site" attitude I've adopted has her radar at
full force.  But if they are watching us I want them to
think that they've frightened us into submission.  The
reason they don't fear the general public is because
the public has been left in the dark.  Ninety-nine
percent of them don't have a clue of what's really
going on in this world.  They're a trusting lot,
believing in what they're told and what they read,
questioning nothing.  They live the day to day nonsense
that is life and perhaps that's not a bad thing.  I
want us to become like them...or at least appear to be.
Someday that's all going to change.  Whether in a
cataclysm of biblical proportions as the Natives
believe or through some twisted alliance with an
outside force.  Life on this earth will change.  The
question is should the masses be alerted to the
possibilities or are they really better off not knowing
what is to come.

Spender and his government allies created an entire
conspiracy with the express purpose of hiding the
truth.  And yet I can't help but think that if the
world were to know the truth, humanity in general would
come to realize as Scully and I have, that life is
precious and worth every sacrifice we need to make to
be sure it goes on.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

We ate dinner in this little Mexican place.  Scully
wanted to know what I did with myself out here for
almost a year.  I'm not exactly the cowboy type she
said, despite the fact that she likes my hat.   I had
told her in the brig that I was looking for the truth.
Truth was, I spent a lot of time in a funk.  What
happened to me had left me confused.  I meant it when I
told her I was having a hard time figuring out where I
fit in.  Not just in her life but in my own as well.
Most people don't have the opportunity to come back to
life after being dead for 3 months.  This was an
impossibility even I couldn't believe in.

I lie here now beside Scully; afraid to fall asleep for
fear of the memories that will assault me in my sleep.
Those goons were blessedly kind to her, erasing her
memories.  I wish I could say the same.  She rolls over
sleepily and puts her head on my shoulder, wrapping her
arm around my waist.

"You're thinking again aren't you?"

"No, well maybe, thinking how good this feels."  I run
my fingers through her hair.

Sated by food and sex we lie here together in a
blissful embrace.  It would be so easy to just forget
it all.  There are some rewards to being naïve.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Pain in my ankles and wrists.  I strain against the
bonds but it only causes more pain and I can feel blood
run down my fingers. I lie exposed, my head restrained
and pounding unmercifully. My flesh burns from being
stretched so tightly.  I hear their voices in my head
but I can't understand them.  What the fuck do they
want from me? I just want this to stop. I see the blade
coming and wretch upward as it pierces my chest.  With
my last breath I scream her name.

"SCULLLEEEEE!"
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Our peaceful night is pierced with my scream.  I'm
instantly bolt upright, soaked in sweat.  I can't
breath.  I sit gasping for air.  Scully is up beside me
in an instant.

"Mulder!  Oh God, here..slow down."

She tries to get me to sit on the edge of the bed.
Pushing my head down between my legs.

"Mulder, take slow breaths.  It's okay.  I'm here."

She rubs my back.  Pressing herself against my back
trying to get me to breathe with her.

"Just breathe with me Mulder...slow down, you're going to
pass out if you keep this up."

As my breathing slows I begin to shake.  I'm suddenly
freezing.  She grabs the blanket off the bed and wraps
it around both of us.  Pulling my head to her chest and
stroking my wet hair.  I nuzzle against her, relishing
in her warmth.  I do need you Scully, more than you'll
ever know.  We sit huddled together in the blanket her
fingers stroking through my hair my heart slowly
returning to it's natural rhythm.  Suddenly there's a
knock on the door. I hear a male voice boom out.

"Hotel Security."

I gather my thoughts.  "Go answer the door before they
open it for us."

She climbs out of bed grabbing a robe she tossed on the
chair as she heads for the door.  I wrap the blanket
tighter around me.  I can't stop shaking. I hear the
door open against the security lock.

"Yes?"

"Ma'am, is everything all right?"

I watch him as he takes in Scully's disheveled
appearance.

"We had a report from your neighbor.  Someone
screaming."

"Yes, I'm sorry.  Very bad dream."

"You're sure everything's okay?"

"Yes, thank you."

I'm snuggled in the blanket with my head down as I hear
her head into the bathroom returning with a glass of
water.  Why does everyone assume that the cure for
everything is a glass of water?  She hands me the
glass; it takes both hands for me to hold it steady.
Pulling the chair from the desk over she sits in front
of me reaching out to put her hand on my trembling
knee.

"Mulder?"  She can tell by my reaction that this is not
something new.  "How long has this been going on?"

I look up at her but can't meet her eyes.  "What,
waking in the night screaming your name?"

"It wasn't the bed in the trailer was it?  You were
afraid this would happen.  They're nightmares from your
abduction aren't they?"

"Nightmares, daymares, does it matter?"  I get up
shucking the blanket and walk away from her.  It's
humiliating, these memories turning me into a
trembling, frightened, fool.

"The psychologist in the hospital, you talked your way
right past her didn't you?"

"Scully, those people have no idea how to help me deal
with this.  They'd have locked me up for good had I
told them."

"Mulder, you were abducted and tortured, it doesn't
matter who did it."

"Christ, that's all that matters!  Don't you get it?"
I'm angry now and suddenly freezing again as I look
down and realize I'm standing here talking to her
naked.  I grab my jeans off the floor, stepping into
them as I head to the bathroom suddenly light headed
and sick to my stomach.  I lean on the sink and splash
cold water on my face hoping to head off the bile
that's rising in my throat.  I don't want to think
about how those enchiladas will taste coming back up.
I feel her come up beside me, rubbing my back again,
taking a wash cloth and wrapping it across the back of
my neck.

"Then talk to me Mulder.  Tell me what happened, how I
can help you."

I shrug her off again and head back into the other
room.

"You know what happened to me!  You saw the scares.
You told me about finding Teresa and Gary, about doing
his autopsy."

"Yes, and all the time I was doing it, I kept thinking
it could be you.  Don't think you're the only one who
suffered Mulder."

I can't even imagine her doing that autopsy.  How could
Skinner have let her do that?  I know I'm an ass for
not acknowledging her feelings but this is my therapy
session.

"It WAS me Scully...people don't come back from the dead.
That's an impossibility even I can't believe in."
Something dawns on me suddenly.  She is entirely too
calm.  I know she's just trying to get me to calm down
but it's unnerving. "Why was there no autopsy done on
me...nobody to give a damn about why I died?"

"I gave a damn Mulder but you just said it yourself.
I'd just done the one on Gary, I already knew.  You'd
suffered enough.  Even in death I couldn't let you
suffer more, what would have been the point?"

Monica's words come back to me, 'What is the point of
all this?'  What the hell am I trying to do or prevent
here?  I died knowing I finally had the proof I'd been
seeking all these years and yet what good did it do me?
No one would know.

"Proof Scully...of WHO had tortured me.  Proof that it
couldn't have been done by any earthly means.  At least
then my death would have meant something."

Deep inside me I crave for some kind of recognition, a
reason for my parents to be proud of me.  Something
that years from now someone will say 'oh yeah, Fox
Mulder, he's the guy that...'.

"Why does everyone insist that their lives have to mean
something?"  She says to me insistently.  "Death is
just another part of life Mulder.  This proof you seek,
what has it really gotten you?"

I look away from her without an answer, not a thing
Scully, not a damn thing.

"I believe you Mulder.  Is that what you want to hear,
that I believe it was aliens who took you?"

For years I have wanted her to tell me that she
believed me and now I don't give a shit.  She's always
believed in me and somehow that was enough.  This is
something else entirely and she senses that.

"But that's not what this is all about is it, it's
about you screaming my name?"

I finally look her in the eye and find hers filled with
compassion.  She's not angry with me for my outburst;
she's really trying to understand.

"You were right there Scully and you couldn't hear me."

The truth is we've always been here for each other but
we could never hear each other scream.
She looks at me confused.  How do I explain this sixth
sense I have or anything else I've been experiencing of
late.

"That night in the Arizona desert, when you thought you
saw something.  It was the ship.  I knew you were there
looking for me only you couldn't hear me."

"What do you mean, you knew I was there, could you see
me?"

"It's not like that."

Her eyes widen and I realize what she's thinking.

"I can't read your mind, if that's what you're
thinking."

I'm still cold and half-naked.  It's 2:43 am and we're
about to have the conversation I have dreaded and don't
quite know how to start.

"Scully, I told you the other night that I'm not me.  I
don't know how else to explain it."

"And I don't know how to prove to you that you're
wrong.  What is it you think you are Mulder, an alien?"
She says that so sarcastically I almost want to slap
her.

I glare back at her and she flinches with the intensity
in my gaze.  She sits down on the end of the bed,
pulling her robe tighter around her.  She feels as cold
now as I do.  I walk over and turn the TV on,
background noise to distract our neighbors who woke up
to my screams.  I don't acknowledge her remark but turn
and look her in the eyes pleading with her to believe
this.

"I sense things Scully, feelings, a presence,
communication with other lives.  What would you say if
I told you I've seen X, the Gunmen, Krycek, spoken to
them recently?   That they've helped me, given me
advice.  You'd say I was crazy, that's its stress, that
I'm delusional."

Her expression softens.  "Mulder...you're right, I would
say those things but only because it's true.  You've
been through so much.  We both have.  That doesn't mean
you're psychotic."

"Yeah, well, I'm starting to think I am.  I saw X in my
cell in the brig.  He gave me the information to
contact Marita.  She had information that could clear
me but when she took the stand I couldn't let her
expose herself because of something X had said to me.
He questioned whose truth I was still seeking.  And
when I realized it was only mine, I knew that it wasn't
worth the price."

There's a puzzled frown on her face now but she
withholds any comment sensing that I'm not done with
this story.

"You remember on the way out here you woke up and I'd
gotten out of the car?  You asked me what I was doing?
I'd gotten out to take a leak...the guys were there,
asking me what the hell I was doing, why I didn't head
for the Canadian border and freedom.  You know what I
told them...that I was still looking for the fucking
truth!  I knew what it was but now I thought I could
find a way to stop it only I can't, Krycek of all
people told me that."

I finally get a response when I mention Krycek's name.
I expected her to deny what I'm telling her.  For her
to write it all off as delusions brought on by the
drugs they were giving me.  I'm not sure if she's
humoring me or honestly want to know, either way, I'm
surprised by her question.

"What did he tell you?"

"That I can't do this alone and I know now I never
could.  They would have helped me Scully, they were
both there, Krycek, X standing beside me when I told
that sorry excuse for a jury what I thought of them and
their trial.  They gave me the courage to tell those
cowards what I thought of their verdict and how happy
it made me that they'd only succeeded in cutting their
own throats in the process.  They'd all go down with me
because they refused to see the truth.  Nobody sees it
Scully.  How do we make people believe?"

There is desperation in my voice at the end and she
senses it.  Getting up from her spot on the bed she
comes over to wrap her arms around me laying her head
on my chest.  I pull her towards me, sighing deeply and
resting my chin on the top of her head.

"You're right Mulder, you're not the man you used to
be.  That man never would have taken advice from people
he didn't trust."

"I should have trusted them Scully, they were trying to
help me...even in life, they were my allies only I was
too blind to see them.  My ignorance got them all
killed."

"They obviously don't blame you for their deaths Mulder
or they wouldn't still be trying to help you.  That
says something for what they think of you, how you
should think of yourself."

I saw your sister too."

I feel her tense and she looks up at me.

"What did she tell you?"

"I saw her the other night on the bluff.  She told me
to tell you that legend."

It is something she senses Melissa would say and I see
the beginnings of realization form on her face.  While
Scully always stuck to the scientific explanations her
sister was much more open to other possibilities.  I
denounced her for it but I realize now she was probably
more knowledgeable then I ever gave her credit for.
There is no sarcasm in Scully's voice when she speaks
again.

She steps back placing her right hand over my heart,
looking up into my eyes.

"You have more compassion for your fellow man then
anyone I have ever known.  It gets you in trouble
because compassion without justice is unrewarding."

"There is no justice Scully."

"Krycek and I were wrong about that Mulder, there is
always justice in the end."

"I don't want they're to be an end Scully but I don't
know how to stop it either."

Her hands slide down my arms and grasp my hands.

"Maybe it's not up to you or to me.  Maybe it's going
to take a culmination of things that we will only be a
part of.  You can't expect people to change their
beliefs but if you can get them to question what they
do believe perhaps that's a start.  It woke me up."

She reaches up to caress the places where the scars had
been on my face.  "I'm sorry I didn't hear you Mulder."

Her change of topic throws me for a moment and then I
realize she talking about my desperate cries for help.
I take her hands in mine, bring them to my lips and
kiss them gently, reverently.

"You have saved me Scully.  You've saved me from
myself."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

I let Scully have the shower first this morning
preferring to lie here and contemplate the day.  The
sun is already making its presence known as it filters
through the flimsy drapes on the window negating any
idea I might have had about going for a run.  Besides
it's been a while since I've done any running and I'd
probably have a heart attack.  Wouldn't that be
ironic...man dies after finding reason to live.

It's going to be checkout time before we get out of
here and I'm not sure about travel time.  It will
probably be mid afternoon before we get where we're
going.  There's supposed to be a free morning paper so
I slide out of bed to see what's new in the real world.

It's already like an oven when I open the door.  The
sun glaring off the cars parked in front of the
building is almost blinding.  As I bend over to pick up
the paper a pair of dark polished shoes come into my
line of vision making me freeze.  Damn, my gun is in
the drawer in the nightstand and Scully's is in her
bag.  I consider yelling for her or making some heroic
fight for my life but decide against that...it will only
get me killed for sure.  As I follow the legs upward I
am shocked to discover who is standing in front of me.

"Hello, son."

"Dad?"

Or at least the man who I had come to think of and will
always think of as my father, Bill Mulder stands before
me.  Dressed in a suit and topcoat...way too many clothes
for this heat.  I look around to see if anyone will
notice this nutcase talking to himself in front of his
door.  Thankfully the parking lot is quiet, most of the
quests having departed early.  I reach behind me and
pull the door shut.  I don't anticipate this being a
pleasant conversation.

"I know I'm probably the last person you expected to
see but there is something I needed to tell you."

I look down at my feet; I still can't meet this man's
eyes.

"More lies, Dad?"

"I'm sorry for the lies, Fox.  I tried to tell you once
that I thought I was doing the right thing by using
them to cover up the truth but you know it all now.  I
came here to tell you that I don't want you to become
like me."

"And how's that?"

As much as I want to hate this man I can't.  He was
good to Sam and me.  I wasn't lying when I told Scully
he and I had been Indian Guides.  Somewhere back beyond
Sam's abduction there were good times but when Sam
disappeared everything changed.  I think he found out a
truth himself that night.  They took Sam instead
because she was HIS daughter.  He didn't hate me after
that; he just hated what I was.  He takes the paper
from my hands and begins paging through it, folding it
when he finds what he's looking for and then folding it
again holding it before him with both hands.

"A man with no conscience.  I'm proud of you son."

I look up at his words with a puzzled look on my face
and see something in his eyes, a sparkle I hadn't seen
since my childhood.  This is not the tired, worn out
man I last remember.  This is a man who now sees hope.

"You never bought into their lies.  Never let them
become a part of you no matter what it cost you.   I'm
proud of your courage."

He has nothing to be proud of me for.

"I'm no hero Dad.  I know you wanted me help you expose
their lies but they go too deep.  There's too many
involved in covering up everything that's about to
happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

He shakes his head.

"You always were too stubborn to listen.  Bravery isn't
always defined by the brandishing of a sword.  I'm
proud that you have the courage to do what's right."
He hands me back the paper pointing to the article he
had found.

FBI AGENT FILES ACCUSATIONS AGAINST MILITARY FOR
MISCONDUCT, Special Agent Kallenbrummer of the FBI's
Los Angeles field office...Christ, the prosecution.  I
was certain he was one of their pawns.  As I read the
article I am dumbfounded.  This guy went back to LA and
dug.  He might not have believed our story, but he knew
what the military was trying to do to me was wrong.
They were using me as a cover up and he knew it.

I look up but Dad is gone and I suddenly realize I've
locked myself out of our room.  A short pounding on the
door brings Scully.  She opens the door half dressed
with this exasperated look on her face that soon turns
to disappointment when she realized I don't have
coffee.  What I do have is better than coffee and I
thrust the paper in her face.

"You're not going to believe this, read it."

I see her eyes grow wider as she reads the article.

"My God Mulder, they'll kill him."

"They can't now Scully, he's not the only one who
knows, he's already gone to the Justice Department, all
they need is something to back up the evidence he's
gathered...we have the files Scully.  Evidence at least
that what was said at my trial was true.  If something
happens to him now the alarm bells will be so loud
nothing will shut them off.  We have to go to LA with
what we have."

"What if this is a set up?   If the Attorney General is
in on this he'll just throw out the case and you will
have fallen right back into their hands. You're
forgetting how deep this goes."

She knows I'm right and yet she is terrified of what
I'm contemplating.  I see the worry lines appear on her
forehead, the pain in her eyes.  I'm about to risk
everything we have left on a hunch.

"No, I'm pretty sure I know how deep it goes and that's
even more frightening."

"How did you find this?"

"My Dad."

She looks at me, letting out a shaky sigh.   That
three-letter word has come to mean a number of things
where I'm concerned and she's not really sure who I'm
referring to.  This is the man I trust, the Dad I had
growing up and also the man I'm certain who years ago
let a criminal go in hopes that someday the truth would
be revealed.  This might not just be my last chance to
what's right; it's his too.

"The man you named William after.  He wanted to tell me
he was proud of me."

She realizes how important that simple statement is to
me.  It is the culmination of years of guilt for
something I had no control over and yet was certain
that I could have changed.  We have the chance to
change something now, all of us.
 
 

JUNCTION ST RT. 160 & 64, CAMERON, AZ
 

I stopped to get gas and call Agent Kallenbrummer from
a pay phone.  I want to know how hot we are and if what
I read in USA TODAY is his doing.  He was shocked to
hear my voice.  He said he thought for certain I'd
either been executed or murdered.  Any attempts to gain
information from the military had been met with
resistance or denial.  I see they're still up to their
usual practices, deny everything.

He told me he was really in hot water as was the whole
office, that things were being shaken up all the way
back to D.C., he was scared shitless.  I told him
Scully and I had information that could help his case
along and that we'd be in touch.  I hung up certain
that the call had already been traced.

As we make the turn onto Rt. 64 the National Park
Service sign announcing our destination comes into
view.

"Our lives are quite possibly about to end and you're
taking me to the Grand Canyon?"

I detect this hint of sarcasm in her voice.  She's hot,
I've got the windows open and the wind on this high
plateau is whipping her hair from the barrette she put
in it this morning.

"Ever been there Scully?"

"No."

"Good."

She doesn't say anything else.  Looking out across the
plateau, the black granite of the Little Colorado River
gorge is visible to our right.  This road goes nowhere
but up and is dotted with enterprising natives who have
staked out a spot to nab the passing tourists.  I get
this sudden urge to buy her something and pull off into
one of their stands.

"Stretch your legs."  I tell her.

We both grab a bottle of water from the cooler behind
the seat and peal ourselves out of the truck.  I take
the cap off of mine and pour half of it over my head
letting it run down my tee shirt, wiggling my eyebrows
at her to do the same.  She gets the drift.

"Not on your life."

It's cold and wet but the refreshment doesn't last
long.  We wander over and start browsing through the
silver and turquoise jewelry.  She picks a few things
up talking with the elderly lady who seems to be the
merchant of this particular establishment about the
difference between the Zuni and Navajo designs.  She's
looking at necklaces; I'm looking at the watches and
rings.

She sees me fingering the watch bands and comes to
stand beside me.  Taking a swig of her water she
dribbles some and I watch the drop make it's way down
her throat to her clavicle. She knows exactly what that
does to me now.

"You should buy yourself a watch Mulder, they're really
nice looking."

"See anything you like?"

She reaches over to pick one up and I stop her.

"No, I mean for yourself?"

"You don't have to buy me anything Mulder."

"Yeah, I do, you need a souvenir."

We barter with the woman over a watch and a turquoise
choker that Scully picked out but before I pay the lady
I step back over to the rings and pick up one that had
caught my eye.  A delicate silver band inlaid with
turquoise.  Walking back over to Scully I hand it to
her.

"Here, see if this fits."

She looks at me with a puzzled expression on her face
and slides it on her right ring finger.

"What's this for?"

"Because you'll never let me buy you diamonds."

She doesn't say anything; just plays with the ring on
her finger understand exactly what I'm saying to her.

"Fit okay?"

All I get is a nod.  I pay the lady for the three items
and we head back to the truck.
 

GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK, ARIZONA
 

About 40 minutes later we're standing on the walk at
Grandview Point.  I bypassed the first two viewpoints
because this one offers the widest view of the canyon.
It's an impressive site, humbling in its magnificence.
Scully is standing in front of me, the tendrils of her
hair caressing her face.  She reaches up to tuck them
behind her ear.  She hasn't said a word to me since we
left the Native woman's stand.  I put my hands on her
shoulders and lean into her right ear.

"What do you think?"

She reaches for my right hand on her shoulder.

"I think I'm a very small part of this world Mulder,
this is just beautiful."

It is beautiful.  Below us the Colorado River has for
millions of years carved an intricate pattern into the
many layers of rock.  The sky is incredibly blue and it
makes a startling contrast with the warm hues of the
canyon.  I should have bought one of those dumb little
disposable cameras.

"You know Scully, almost the entire history of the
earth is written right here in this canyon.  All the
answers to every question we have about how we came to
be is here, just waiting for people like you to figure
it out."

"People like me?"

"Scientists, archeologists, people who can unravel the
mystery."

"Science is still science but it doesn't explain
everything."

I chuckle; remembering that stupid quip of mine and
taking her hand wrap my arms around her.

"Wasn't that my line?"

"Yes, but you were right.  Not every answer can be
explained by science, sometimes the answer is a much
simpler one."

She turns towards me breaking the embrace and sits
herself on the stone wall that borders the trail.  She
looks down, fingering the ring I had bought her.

"What did you mean I'd never let you buy me diamonds?"

She doesn't look up so I squat down to her eye level
and am saddened to see there are tears in her eyes.  A
family with several small children passes us and I see
her follow them with her eyes.  I really don't know how
to answer her.  It was another of my asinine comments
that I shouldn't have said and yet I felt there was a
lot of truth in it.  Would I really have given it all
up to give Scully her heart's desire?  I think the real
question is would she have let me?

I put my hands over hers to still them, trying my best
to ignore the footsteps and voices of those around us.

"I would have done anything you asked of me Scully."

She finally looks up to meet my eyes.  I want her to
see that I mean what I say.

"But you wouldn't have been happy Mulder."

"You don't think that I wanted to spend the rest of my
life with you and William?"

"Yes...I think you think you could have...you would have,
but you wouldn't have been able to satisfy that drive
in you that makes you who you are.  You understand me
too well, you know I could never let you do that."

We know each other too well.

My knees are screaming from staying in this position
too long and I have to stand up.  I run my hand across
her shoulders and sit on the wall next to her facing
the canyon.  My feet on the outcropping of rock on the
other side.  She turns around with me leaning on my
shoulder.

"I thought having a man who loved me and a child
between us was everything I could ever want. But then
the man was gone and even though I still had this
beautiful child I felt empty because there was no one
to share the experiences with me.  Somehow everything
this man and I had shared together was more precious to
me than the child could ever be.  That man was you
Mulder and you have already bought me more precious
diamonds than any woman could possibly imagine.  I love
William with all my heart, but I love you and those
diamonds more.  Our destiny is out there," she says as
she points to the canyon.

Jesus, is she telling me she gave up our son because
she thought carrying on the damn work was more
important?

"My life felt so incomplete, it wasn't who I was
supposed to be.  I wanted William to have a family.  A
mother and father who would always be there for him, to
love him and protect him and watch him grow.  People
who have no greater ambition or need to do anything
more than what a family should be.  That's not you or I
Mulder.  It was an answer to a dream I found I didn't
truly want without you."

"Having is not so pleasing a gift after all as
wanting."

I won't tell her where that line comes from but he was
a very logical man.

"Something like that."

She's just thrown me an unexpected curveball; we're
both going to go down swinging.

"You gonna be okay Scully?"

"We're going to be okay Mulder."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

We drive down to the Yavapai Observation Station and
spend a little time wandering in the museum.  I buy one
of those disposable cameras and then we head out on the
Rim Trail that will take us to Bright Angel Lodge where
we can get a bite to eat.  This is an easy trail along
the south rim of the canyon; it's warm but not
unbearable.  We stop after a while and I find a kind
soul to take our picture.  We stand and watch some
rafts on the river below.

"You know it can be 20 degrees warmed down there on the
river than it is up here?"

"Probably feels good when that cold water splashes all
over you.  Have you been down there Mulder?"

"Eric wanted to take me down.  It's a pretty strenuous
hike.  Going down's not so bad...it's the coming back up
and I'm not the physical specimen I used to be".

She reaches over and puts her arm across my back,
working the muscles in my shoulders with her hand.  It
feels good and I lean into it.

"You feel pretty physical to me."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

It's already early evening when we get to the lodge.
The hike gave us a chance to stretch our legs and to
get some nice views of the canyon. This really is a
remarkable place but the best is yet to come.  As we
sit enjoying a quick dinner I look about the room at
all the people who surround us.  Laughing and carrying
on conversations with their families, totally oblivious
to the possibilities that a wait them.   My conscience
tells me I have not right to keep the truth from them
and yet I can't help but wonder if they are better off
not knowing.  Scully must sense my contemplation when
she brings up my plans for the evening.

"So what's next?"

"The reason I brought you here."

"I thought we just came to see the canyon?"

"We've seen the canyon, there something else, just for
you."

She gives me this 'OK' look that I've seen so many
times when she's questioned my sanity.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Private vehicles aren't allowed on the West Rim Drive
in the summer so our only options are walking or taking
the shuttle bus.  The bus kind of ruins the romanticism
but it's an eight mile hike most of it uphill and we'd
never make it out there by sunset. There is nothing
quite like the sunset here.  It has finality to it,
like the ending of an era and yet somehow the ageless
canyon gives you a promise of a new one just beginning,
a hope for the future.

The forty-five minute bus ride gets us to Pima Point
with about a half-hour to spare.  There are a lot of
other dreamers here waiting to catch the last glimpse
of the sun before it disappears for the day.  We roam
around while I try and find us a somewhat secluded
place from which we can watch this miracle.  There are
signs posted all over warning visitors not to go beyond
the railings but I slip under one and pull Scully with
me so we can sit on an outcropping of rock.  Below us
the Colorado River winds it's way west.  The sun
sitting close to the horizon awakening the deep reds
and purples of the canyon walls, the shadows continuing
to deepen as the sun dips lower.  We both sit in
silence lost in thought.

We've come to some decisions on this road to the sun,
whether it was fate or circumstance, our choices of the
past few years have brought us here to this moment.  I
can't change the world, we probably can't save it
either but that article in USA TODAY proved that Max
Fenig was right, someone's always listening.  Together
we have weathered the storm, the one that awaits the
world and we have come through it as stronger and more
enlightened individuals bonded by that promise of a new
beginning.

Scully is sitting next to me, the golden glow from the
setting sun warming her face.  I sense in her the same
feeling of renewal and reach out to pull her towards
me.  She looks over at me smiling softly, sliding over
between my legs, resting her back on my chest.  Either
this has become her favorite position or she's likes
using me for a chair.  I rest my chin on her head
wrapping my arms around her, both of us staring into
the setting sun.

There is a brief and final glimmer of light as the
revolution of the earth pulls the sun beneath the
horizon leaving the canyon deep in shadow, the sky
mellowing to soft amber and violet hues.  A cheer goes
up from our fellow bystanders as if we had just
witnessed the grand finale of a fireworks display.
Scully signs gently against my chest and turns slightly
towards me.

"There will be a tomorrow won't there Mulder?"

I look down, pulling Scully's hair from the side of her
face and press my lips against her right ear.

"Yes, Scully, there will be.  This is what I brought
you here to see. This sunset was for your eyes only."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

For your eyes only, the nights are never cold.
You really know me, that's all I need to know.
Maybe I'm an open book because I know you're mine.
But you won't need to read between the lines.

For your eyes only, only for you.
You see what no-one else can see, and now I'm breaking
free.
The passions that collide in me, the wild abandoned
side of me.
Only for you, for your eyes only.
 
 
 

This is not the end of the story