By Donna
donnah@donnas-stories.com
 

URL - http://www.donnas-stories.com/
Rating - PG-13
Category - Angst, MSR
Spoilers - None
Keywords - Angst, MSR
Summary - What if she had left for another assignment?
Feedback - Please
Archive - Anywhere, just let me know so I can visit

Disclaimer - Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunmen and Skinner
all belong to Chris, 10-13, and Fox - Bless them for it!!  No
infringement intended.
 

Field Office - part 1
 

"Wait a minute; you can't just go in there.  You don't have an
appointment."  The woman's raised voice caught Scully's
attention and she looked up as the door opened.  Her eyes
widened and she seemed unable to rise from her seat.

"Dr. Scully, I'm sorry.   He pushed past - "

"It, it's all right Gloria."  She managed to stand and take the
few steps to the door.
"Thank you."  She pushed the door shut and turned back to
her visitor.

The little man looked up at her, scanning her face.

"Are . . . are Byers and Langly with you?"

"No.  I'm alone."

That caused her to hesitate.  "What are you doing here,
Melvin?  Is he all right?"

Frohike visibly relaxed at her question.  Practically the first
words out of her mouth were asking about him.  He took one
of the chairs facing her desk.  She sank into the other.

"Why did you leave?"

She blinked.  "I . . . I didn't leave.  I was reassigned."

"Reassigned.  But you didn't talk to him."

"They were going to separate us.  It was inevitable.  Maybe I
was tired of fighting."

"No, he's not all right." Frohike finally answered her question.

Her indrawn breath was loud in the quiet office.  "Was he
hurt, shot?"

"No.  Breakdown."

"A . . . a nervous breakdown?"  Her hand was shaking as
she reached out to him.
"Why didn't he call me?"

"He knew how to reach you?"  Frohike asked.

"Of course he did.  I . . . I emailed him.  When I first got here.
I sent him my address and phone number and . . . "

"You emailed him?"  Frohike seemed incredulous.

"I . . . I tried to call him, but . . . "

"But he wasn't there, or he didn't pick up, or - "

"I tried." She said stung.

Frohike looked away, at a loss.

"Where is he?"

"He's at home.  He was released a couple of days ago."

"Released?"  She looked frightened.  "He was hospitalized?"

"Again."

She closed her eyes.  "He's profiling."

Frohike nodded.  "He wanted to keep his job and that's the
only one they would give him.  The X-Files are over."

"Skinner - "

"He doesn't report to Skinner anymore."  Frohike broke in,
forestalling that excuse.

"He, he knows what profiling does to him, why - "

"I don't think he cares."

Her mouth dropped open then.  "Doesn't care?"

Frohike shrugged.  "What's he got to live for?"

"What are you talking about?  He's in the prime of life, he's
brilliant, he - "

"He's completely alone."

Scully's face flushed at that.

Frohike took her hand.  "You aren't married or engaged."

She snatched her hand back.  "I'm seeing someone."  Okay,
she had turned Steve down the last two times he'd ask her
out.  It looked like he was finally getting the message.

"Someone important?" Frohike asked quietly.

"Are you blaming me for Mulder's . . . situation?"  She didn't
want to lie to the man, but her social life, or lack thereof,
wasn't up for discussion.

Frohike looked away for a moment, "You cared about him,
didn't you?"

"I still do!  I tried to stay in touch.  I - "

"Stay in touch?  Scully, you were his whole life."

"What are you talking about?  We were partners, friends."

"Just friends?"  Frohike was watching her too closely.

"He, he never seemed to want more than that."

Frohike closed his eyes.  "I know you're not stupid, Scully.
Don't pretend to be.  You can't think that was all he feels for
you."

"Frohike, this is not - "

"Yeah, yeah it is.  Mulder's my friend and he's hurting."  He
stopped at the tears he saw in her eyes.

She stood and walked away from him, gathering her
composure.  She touched her desk, a file, just moving
around the office.  Finally she took a seat behind the desk,
forcing some space between them.  "Why didn't Byers and
Langly come with you?"

"He had ordered them not to tell you."

"Wha - " She gaped at him.

"When they visited him in the hospital I didn't go.  I knew
he'd force a promise from them again."

"Again?"

"We wanted to let you know after the first breakdown.  He
made us swear not to tell you."

"W-why?"

"If you didn't want to be with him on your own, he didn't want
us to guilt you into it."  Frohike said simply.

"That's not . . . " A tear did escape then.  "They sent me
away.  He didn't try to stay in touch with me."

"What should make him think you wanted him to?"

"I tried to contact - "

He looked at her then until she turned away.

"Do you want to help him?"

"You know I do."

"Then go to him."

Silence reigned in the office.  After a very long moment,
Scully swallowed.  "Do you think he'd want to see me?"

Frohike took a deep breath, "I think if you don't go, he won't
come out next time."

*****

She sat in her rental car outside of his apartment.  He still
wasn't back on active duty, so she'd decided to see if she
could spot him here.  Part of her wanted to just walk up to
his apartment and knock on the door.  Okay, she still had his
key, but that was an oversight that she hadn't bothered to
correct.  Hell, for all she knew he had changed the lock
anyway.

She sat up when he exited the building.  He was wearing a
sweat suit instead of running shorts which surprised her a
little.  It was certainly warm enough for his regular attire.

He had lost weight and now that she was watching, there
was no life in his steps.  When she'd seen Mulder going for a
run in the past, he was practically bouncing.  Now he could
be walking from a grave.

He wasn't bothering to look around.  Was his normal
paranoia no longer in gear?  Or, as Frohike has said, did he
not care?  Of course, he was off the X-Files and therefore of
no interest to the people they used to fear.  But he hadn't
spotted her.

What the hell.  She opened her car door.  "Mulder?"

His steps faltered at the sound of her voice.  For just a
second she had the impression he was going to break into a
run to get away from her, but he stopped.

"Scully."  He asked no questions and didn't approach her.

She closed the distance between them.  "Hi.  I wasn't sure
you'd be home."  This close she saw that she had
underestimated the amount of weight he had lost.  The lines
in his face were pronounced and his complexion was sallow.
He looked ill.

"I, uh, I was just on my way out."

"Going for a run?"

He nodded.

"I just got into town.  I thought maybe we could have dinner
or something."

"I, uh . . . I'm not really dressed for . . . "

"We could order a pizza, like old times."  She smiled, but he
didn't return it.  She noted that his hands were shaking
slightly.  Was her presence that disturbing?

"Yeah, sure."

He'd never sounded less sure in his life, but he apparently
didn't see a good way out, so he followed her back toward
his building.  She pressed the button for the elevator and he
stepped on after her.  The ride up was uncomfortably silent.

He let her in the apartment and she looked around.  The
place was often messy, she'd teased him enough, but she'd
never seen it dirty before.  There were usually files and
books lying around, now the dust was thick on his
bookshelves and the top of his TV.  There were no fish
swimming in the tank.

She turned to hear him ordering the pizza.  She made no
comment when he ordered the half pepperoni, half veggie
pizza that they had often shared.

When he joined her, she looked up and smiled.  It was not
returned.  "You need to dock your maid, Mulder."

He seemed not to understand, so she ran a finger along the
top of his television.

"Yeah, well, I haven't had a lot of company."  He went quiet
again then.

"Could I use your bathroom?"

"Uh, sure."  He motioned in that direction.

She walked through his bedroom.  The bed looked like it
hadn't been slept in for some time, but it wasn't made.  The
bath wasn't especially clean either, but she wasn't going to
mention it.  She wasn't in any hurry to rejoin Mulder though.
She couldn't remember being this uncomfortable in his place
before.

She stalled until she was afraid it would look strange, then
finally left the bathroom.  She had barely gotten to the living
room when they heard the knock on the door.  "That didn't
take long."

He merely nodded and opened it.  He took the pizza box and
beer that she hadn't heard him order and closed the door.
She cleaned off the coffee table and picked up the afghan.
She folded it, lay it across the back of the couch and took a
seat.

"This tastes good.  I haven't had a pizza in a long time."  She
took a swig from her bottle of beer.

He hadn't bothered with the pizza, just taking a long pull on
his own beer.  "What are you doing here, Scully?"

"I had a consult.  I just thought I'd drop by and - "

"You didn't have a consult."  He interrupted her.  "Did the
guys call you?"

"No one called me."  That was true, Frohike had felt it
serious enough to actually fly out to her.

He stared into her eyes, and finally looked away.  "Fine.  But
why are you here?  Did you just want to see what Spooky
looked like when he got out of the loony bin?"

"Loony . . . Mulder - "

"Come on, don't pretend you don't know.  I was hospitalized.
I just got out."  His voice sounded as flat as his steps had
been.

"Why are you profiling?"

"It's my job.  Didn't you hear, I'm the bright young man at the
academy.  Or I used to be."  He fell silent then.

"Mulder, you - "

"Listen, I don't mean to be inhospitable, but maybe you
should go.  If you have a consult, you probably have an early
autopsy."

"You want me to leave?"  She asked, caught off guard.  She
set the rest of her slice of pizza down.

"Yeah, I think it would be a good idea."  He rose, obviously
waiting to walk her to the door.

At a loss, she rose as well.  "I'd, I'd like to see you again
before I leave."

"We'll see.  If you get through with your business in time,
give me a call."  He wouldn't look at her.  She knew he
wouldn't be answering his phone.  She moved toward the
door, then stopped, "Mulder - "

"It was good seeing you, Scully.  Take care of yourself."  He
opened the door.

She had little choice but to step out into the hall.  She'd been
unprepared for this, for him to actually ask her to leave.
Frohike hadn't warned her of anything like this.

"I'll call you."  She said.

He nodded, then closed the door without another word.  She
moved in the direction of the elevator, knowing he was
listening.  She pressed the button and when the elevator
came, pressed the interior button to send it back to the
ground floor, but she stepped off of it before the doors
closed.  She slipped off her shoes and took them in her
hand, then returned to his door.

She wasn't sure what she was doing, but it seemed wrong to
leave.  She put her ear to his door and heard it.  He was
sobbing, like she hadn't heard since his mother had died.
She pressed her hand to her lips to keep any sound from
escaping.  Her heart was breaking at the sound.

He wouldn't want her to see him like this, but she would see
him.  She moved to the stairs, then put on her shoes and
hurried to her car.

She got a room, and prepared for bed, but sleep wouldn't
come.  The sound of his loneliness, his abandonment tore at
her.  She had tried to convince herself that she could stay in
touch, but obviously she had failed.  She had left.  She had
left him.  He thought it was because she didn't want to be
with him.

He was killing himself.

The thought, fully formed in her mind, caused her to sit bolt
upright in the bed.  No!

She had let him down.  She had spent the last two years
pretending that he had only been her friend and partner.
She had deluded herself into thinking that the reason she
still had no personal life was that she was rebuilding her
career.  She hadn't been out on a dozen dates since she
moved.

She'd left herself here too.  Why had it taken so long to see
it?

*****
 

Salt Lake - part 2
 

She entered the doctor's office looking composed, sure of
herself.  "I'm Dr. Dana Scully.  I don't have an appointment,
but I'd like to speak to Dr. Morrison regarding Agent Mulder."

The receptionist smiled.  "I'll check with the doctor.  Why
don't you have a seat?"

Scully nodded and took a seat by the lamp.  She didn't
bother with the pretense of a magazine.  What would she do
if this brazen act failed?

Almost immediately the door opened and the doctor himself
stepped into the waiting room.  "Dr. Scully."  He held out a
hand to her as she rose.  She shook it, unsure of her next
sentence.  "Please, let's go to my office. I'm so glad to finally
meet you."

Finally meet her?  Had Mulder mentioned her?

"Would you like some coffee?"

That brought her back to the present.  "No, thank you.  I
appreciate you taking the time - "

"Nonsense.  I'm very glad you're here.  I'd like to discuss
Agent Mulder's case with you."
 
She managed to hide her surprise.  "I wasn't sure - "

"You are aware that you are listed as Agent Mulder's next of
kin?"

"I . . . no, I wasn't."  It hadn't occurred to her, but who else . .
.

"How did you find out about Agent Mulder's condition?"

"I . . . " Shit, she hadn't thought this through.  She'd expected
to have to fight to learn anything.  To be welcomed like this
had her completely off guard.

"It was the little one, wasn't it?  Fro - something."

"Frohike."  She automatically supplied.

"Yes of course.  When I saw that he hadn't visited when the
other two did, I suspected there was a reason."

"You mean, contacting me?"

Dr. Morrison nodded, "He wouldn't go back on his word.
Those friends of his are extremely loyal, even as he's tried to
push them away."

"Push them - "

"He's pushed everyone away, Dr. Scully.  That's one of the
reasons he isn't recovering as well as I'd like."

"I saw him last night.  He didn't look well."

"You saw him?"  He looked away, seeming to study the
snowscape on his wall.  "I wish you had talked to me first."

"Would you have advised me not to see him?"

"No, but I would have tried to prepare him."

"To see me?"

"Especially you."

She sat back, anger vying with guilt now.

"I'm assuming you have not moved back to DC."

"No."

"So he has to watch you leave again.  That's going to be
very painful for him."

"Has . . . has he talked about me?"  It was humiliating to ask,
but she needed to know.

"Not much, at least not consciously."

"I don't understand."

Dr. Morrison sighed, "Both times he was hospitalized, he
was been placed on suicide watch.  He's closely monitored
then, awake and asleep.  He calls for you then, and . . . and
he cries."

Scully's eyes filled at that.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.  You moved on with
your life.  You left an assignment.  I understand that.  But it
was more to him."

"You think I just left an assignment?  You think it didn't mean
any more to me than that?"  Her voice tightened.

"I didn't mean to offend you, Dr. Scully, but you obviously
were able to leave the partnership, move on to a life that
better fulfills you."

She stared down at her hands.  "Does it look like that?"

"Are you saying it's not?"  He countered.

She looked up then, facing him.  "How do I help Mulder?"

"I don't know that you can.  He doesn't trust anyone now."

"That's my fault too."  Her shoulders dropped; the weight of
this too much for her suddenly.

"May I say you are not what I expected."  Dr. Morrison
mused.

"Which version did you believe?  Ice queen?  Rigid scientist?
Harpy - "

"None of the above.  When Agent Mulder would speak of
you it was with great respect and, and affection.  He spoke
of what he had done to you - "

"He didn't do anything to me."

"You don't blame him for your . . . for the things that
happened to you and your family while you were together?"

"No!  I never have.  But my very presence seemed to cause
guilt in him.  I hoped he'd move on or . . . I don't know."

"Have you built that 'life' you wanted?"

She met his eyes for a moment, then looked away.  "No."

"Do you know why that is?"  He asked conversationally.

She mumbled something he couldn't hear.

"Dr. Scully?"  He leaned closer.

"I don't know."  She rose abruptly.  "I need to go.  Thank you
for your time."

He watched her move toward the door.  "Dr. Scully, just one
more question."  She stopped, her hand on the doorknob.
"Who is your next of kin?"

Her blush betrayed her.  "I just never - "

"Even moving to a new job, didn't you have to fill out new
paperwork?"

She met his eyes for just an instant, then let herself out of
his office.

*****

When he let himself into his apartment, it only took a couple
of seconds to realize she was there.  Her scent, her
essence, hell, her aura tipped him off.  He stopped, the
thoughts of racing from his own apartment looking pretty
damn good.

"Mulder?"

"I didn't change the locks, did I?"  He said quietly.

She shook her head.  "Thank you."

He blinked, but stood there silent.

"We need to talk."  She moved to the couch and sat, waiting.

"I . . . I can't."  But he was moving toward her and took a seat
on the far end of the couch.

"I need your help, Mulder."

He seemed to jerk slightly at those words.  "I, uh, I wouldn't
think I'd be your first choice."

"Well you'd be wrong, again."  She responded immediately.

He gaped at her and made a sound that was very nearly a
chuckle.  They both fell silent then.  He studied the coffee
table.  Last night's pizza still sat there along with the five
empty bottles.  Only her bottle still held beer.  He'd fallen
asleep finally and when he had risen from the couch this
morning, it hadn't seemed important.  Now, at least to his
eyes, it merely looked pitiful.

"Will you come somewhere with me?"

"Another doctor?"  He asked, ready to refuse.

"No, out of town, away from DC."

"I don't understand."  He hesitated then.  "If this is pity,
Scully, I don't want any."

"Good, because you're not getting any.  I haven't taken a
vacation in eighteen months, you're on leave for another few
weeks.  Why don't we just go somewhere and relax."

He just stared at her, his mouth slightly open.  She fought
the urge to look away.  No one could read her better than
Mulder, but she was being forthright.  She wanted some
downtime.  And she wanted to spend it with him.  Too many
people had pointed out their closeness; it was about damn
time to find out what that was about, if it even still existed.

"I have a friend with a house at the beach in North Carolina.
It's right on the water.  This time of year it should be quiet.
We could - "
 
"Scully, no.  I . . . I don't think it's a good idea."

"You don't trust me."  She said quietly.

"It, it's not that."  But he wouldn't look at her.  "I wouldn't be
any better company than I used to be.  Probably worse."

"Who said you weren't good company?"

He looked up and met her eyes for an instant.  "I thought you
did."

"When?  Mulder, when did I - "

"When you left."  He rose abruptly and moved to the far side
of the room.  "Look, I can't do this."

"Do what?  Be with me?"

When he didn't respond she stood up and look at the door,
then turned to see the expression on his face - fear, despair
and . . . and a hopelessness that sliced her like a knife.

She moved toward him, invading his space as he'd always
done with her.  She didn't quite touch him.  "Mulder, I
messed up.  I don't know if I can repair the damage I've
done, but I have to try."

He shook his head, but she took hold of his hand.  They both
jerked as though an electric current had flashed through
them.

He was the one that pulled away, his mouth falling open.

"Mulder - "

"I can't, Scully. I . . . I can't."

He looked positively scared to death.

"What I did to you."  It was just a breath, but he heard it.

"I had it coming.  It doesn't compare to what I did to - "

"No!"  She nearly screamed it in his face.  He started back,
stunned.  "Don't do that.  You didn't do anything to me.
Others did, but all you did was save me, over and over."

"I saved you so often that you took the first chance you got
to leave town."  He was staring at the ceiling now.  When he
looked down, he saw the single tear trail down her face.

The pull of her was strong, but he forced himself not to reach
for her.

"I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  You can't know . . . " She turned
then and walked to the door.

"Scully."

She didn't turn, just stopped with her hand on the door.

"What are you sorry about?"

"That I hurt you, that I left you, that I didn't have the courage
to . . . "

"To what?"

She jumped, not realizing he'd moved so close behind her.
She just shook her head, and turned the knob.  His hand
shot out, stopping her.

"Are you, are you going back?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

She looked smaller to him somehow.  She'd always been
more important to him than he was and she was hurting
now.

"Then you shouldn't leave.  You shouldn't be driving."

She shook her head.  He saw her eyes were closed and her
hand was still on the knob.

"Come sit down."

She didn't resist, allowing him to lead her back to the couch.
It was the first time he'd instituted touching her.

They sat, not speaking, not even looking at each other for
what felt like a very long time.  Finally, in a very soft voice,
she asked, "Why didn't you stay in touch with me?"

He didn't look over, "I didn't think you'd want me to.  You
wanted that life . . . "

He saw her shake her head out of the corner of his eye.
"Who are you seeing now?"  He tried to sound casual, but
knew he failed.

"I'm not seeing anyone."

His head turned involuntarily it seemed.  "You're not."

She shook her head again, "No interest."

"You can't believe no one is interested in you."

"What?  No, I . . . I wasn't interested in them."

"None of them?  What was wrong with them?"  He half
demanded, forgetting for just a moment that he had no rights
in this area.

She seemed to study her hands, picking at a hangnail.
"They weren't you."  The dead silence finally caused her to
look up at him.  It seemed he was even more pale now.

"Not me?"  He sounded strangled.

She met his eyes then.  Hers seemed infinitely sad.  "You
never understood.  Hell, I can't blame you.  I didn't either,
until later."

"Understand what?"

"Where you fit in my life."

"I fit in your life?"

"You're the biggest missing piece."

His mouth worked then, but no sound emerged.  She
seemed to shrink into the couch.

"You . . . you wanted to go out of town with me?"

"I . . . maybe it is too late.  I didn't understand the damage I'd
- "

"But what if it's not too late?"  He asked quickly.

She saw a shadow of hope beginning to show in his eyes.
"Mulder, I can't promise you happily ever after."

"No, no I know that, Scully.  But shouldn't it be something we
explore?  I mean, we didn't and apparently you're not as
happy as I thought."

"Why would you think I was happy?" She watched his face;
she needed more than words for this answer.

"Because you'd gotten away from the X-Files, from the
garbage . . . from me."

She let her face drop into her hands and he instantly moved
closer to her.  "I never meant to hurt you.  I didn't think my
leaving was such a . . . "

"Such a what, Scully?"

"You should know that you're still listed as my next of kin."
She was looking him in the eyes now.  There was more color
in his face.

"A house at the beach?"  He finally spoke.

A startled chuckled escaped her.  "Yes."

"How long?"

"At least a week, maybe two."

"And then?"

"That's what we need to decide.  But we should decide it
together this time."

After a long moment, he nodded.
 

XXX