By Jake
nejake@tds.net
 

Rating: PG-13 (for one aroused skunk ape)
Classification: PMS-Fic?
Spoilers: Nods to The Host and Grotesque

Summary: What do poltergeist, parascience and PMS have in
common?

Disclaimer: Do these characters really belong to Chris Carter,
FOX and 1013 Productions? If so, no copyright infringement
intended. Fun, yes. Profit, no.

Authors Notes: Written for Haven's 500 Words of PMSing
Challenge, although this is closer to 1000 words.
 

How Do You Know When a Flukewoman Is Having Her Period?
By Jake
 

The dashboard clock flickered from 8:08 to 8:09 p.m. Scully
and Mulder were traveling east along a deserted stretch of
Highway 20 in northern Nebraska. With no sign of civilization
in sight, Scully shifted in the passenger seat, an
intensifying ache in her abdomen warning her she was about to
start her period.

"Stop at the next gas station, please," she said.

Mulder's focus slid from the road to the gas gauge. "We have a
full tank."

"I need to use the bathroom." She lifted her purse and waved
it at him.

His eyebrows climbed, while his mouth pursed into a perfect
"O." They'd been partners for three years and he was a big boy
-- he knew she had periods. Not because she morphed into one
of John Mostow's gargoyles every twenty-eight days, but
because she never tried to hide the fact. It was a natural
bodily function. One that needed attention...sooner rather
than later.

The car's highbeams illuminated an upcoming sign. Merriman, 30
miles.

Damn it. If Mulder hadn't insisted on stopping in Chadron to
visit the Museum of the Fur Trade, they'd be in Merriman by
now.

He yawned and loosened his tie. Slouched behind the wheel, he
appeared completely at ease in his own skin while she wanted
to crawl out of hers. He had no idea how lucky he was.

Rather than count mile markers, she reached for the bag of fur
trade souvenirs he'd bought at the museum gift shop: a copy of
"The Mountain Man Sketchbook" and a reproduction beavertail
knife. She withdrew the book and, tilting it toward the dash
lights, paged through it without interest.

He kept his eyes on the road. "Some parascientists believe
that menstruation, menopause and sexual frustration intensify
subconscious psychokinetic energy."

Under ordinary circumstances, she found Mulder's abundant
curiosity a positive trait. It served them well in their work
and at times could be endearing, in an overzealous way. But
did they have to go through this every damn month? She closed
the book and tried to rein in her annoyance. "Ah, but which
came first, the poltergeist or PMS?"

He smiled. "In August of 1977, Janet Harper of New London, age
thirteen, and her brother Pete, age ten, were awakened when
their beds began 'jolting up and down and going all funny.'
Thus began a string of PK activity in the Harper home."

"And this is significant because...?"

"Pubescent Janet Harper had started her period the day
before."

Irritation mounting, she asked, "That's your proof that
menstruation is connected to PK?"

"Not unequivocally. Janet's mother, Peggy Harper was a
divorcee in her mid-forties. The PK coulda been a result of
her sexual frustration." He plucked a sunflower seed from a
small pile on the console and popped it into his mouth. "Some
of the paranormal literature posits that women are capable of
enhanced extrasensory perception when having their periods."

She gritted her teeth. "Try reading my mind right now,
Mulder."

He crunched his seed and said, "Hey, there was a recent report
of a skunk ape sighting in an RV Park in Ochobee, Florida."

Finally, he was changing the subject. "A skunk ape?"

"Mm-hm. It frightened two Swedish women who were guests
there."

"What happened?"

"It appeared out of the bushes near their rental car in an
obvious state of arousal."

"Obvious in what way?"

"They claimed it had a twelve-inch-long erection."

"Not something you see everyday."

"No...well...that's not really my point."

"What is your point?"

"The RV Park owner, David Shealy, said he expects more
sightings because it's skunk ape mating season and he believes
the creatures are attracted to the scent of menstrual blood.
Evidently the Swedish women--"

"One more word about menstruation, Mulder, and I swear I'll
hurt you."

He blinked at her, then glanced nervously at the bag in her
lap. "Can I have my knife back, please?"

She felt a pang of guilt. Her annoyance was due to a reduction
of estrogen and progesterone in her body, normal fluctuations
that precipitated the onset of her period. It wasn't Mulder's
fault she was feeling bloated, crampy and crabby.

If he would just shut up--

"Hey, Scully, how do you know when an elephant is having her
period?"

Oh, for crying out loud... "You told that one last month."

"Did I?" He was quiet for a moment. "How do you know when a
flukewoman is having her period?"

Rather than feeling angry with him, her mood suddenly
lightened. She found herself oddly comforted by Mulder's
predictability. He remained constant, no matter what the
circumstances, while she routinely teetered upon the emotional
seesaw of her menses. The situation wasn't fair, but it was
nature's way, an unavoidable physical reality.

She tossed his beavertail knife into the back seat to avoid
temptation. Her irritability would pass in a day or two when
her hormone levels began to rise again.

"Flukes are hermaphroditic, Mulder. They have complex
reproductive systems, capable of internal fertilization, but
they don't have periods. I, on the other hand, do. So please
get me to a bathroom."

"Have you there in a jiff. I'll even buy you a Mars bar, if
you like."

"Make it a Mounds and I'll tell you about a recent scientific
study that disproves the correlation between the phases of the
moon and the timing of a woman's menstrual cycle."

He flashed her a wide grin and pressed the accelerator to the
floor, throwing her back in her seat and causing the engine to
roar.

- - - - - -

Feedback, good or bad, is welcome on this or any of my
stories. Send comments to nejake@tds.net.