I Notice These Things

By Jean Helms
jeanlhelms@aol.com

ARCHIVE INFO: Gossamer, of course. Anybody else, please tell me where.

SUMMARY: Kimberly's a lot more than just part of the scenery.

CATEGORY: VRA, MSR, Skinner/other

SPOILERS: Teeny, tiny "Triangle" spoiler

RATED: PG

ORIGINAL POST: 1/14/00

DISCLAIMER: Characters from "The X Files" are the property of
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions or Fox Television. No copyright
infringement is intended, and this work is being distributed
free.

"I Notice These Things"
by Jean Helms
 

I see a lot more than people think I do.

Nobody pays me much attention: I'm the assistant director's
administrative assistant -- nobody important -- so to them I'm just
there, like the furniture or the potted plants. Just part of the
atmosphere ... until they need something, that is.

But I'm not furniture. I'm real. And I see a lot.

I mean, I see a _whole_ lot more than they think I do.

I think some of the people around here are starting to realize it,
though. Like last week, when Agent Cruthirds retired and we had
that party at the bar down the street, the one where all the
agents go after work.

They never ask me to go along, but I went this time anyway. See,
I like Agent Cruthirds -- he's always been nice to me; he always
says hello to me when he comes into the office, asks me how I'm
doing, offers to get me a soda when he goes down to the break
room. That's unusual, believe me.

But I didn't go just because it was Agent Cruthirds' last day --
I went because I knew Walter was going to drop by, for a while
anyway, and I wanted a chance to see him outside the office.

I know that sounds dumb, because I spend the entire day sitting
about 10 feet from him. But I hardly ever get to see him
socially, and that was all I really wanted that night. It didn't
have to be much -- just, ‶Hello, Kimberly, how are you, good to
see you," would have been enough. "Can I buy you a drink?" would
have sent my spirits soaring, and "Would you like to dance?"
probably would have caused me to die of ecstasy.

I knew it wouldn't happen, but a girl can dream, can't she?

So anyway, there we were, and this stupid bet got made and the
next thing I knew, I was in on it.

See, it started with Agent Colton (who hates Agent Mulder for
reasons I don't exactly understand), but he made it a challenge:
Play a song on the jukebox that'll get agents Mulder and Scully
up and dancing together and you win the pool.

So everybody was crowding around the jukebox trying to see what
was on there, and Agent Colton made them write the name of their
song on a piece of paper with their name on it. It cost $10 to
put the paper in the hat, and there were lots of people anteing
up -- the pool had more than $200 in it before we even got
started.

I didn't get in on it at first. I knew what Agent Colton was up
to. He wanted them to do something silly and romantic in front of
people, something that would make them look really stupid and
give everybody there a good laugh.

Well, there were a lot of people dancing, so it's not like they
would have been the only ones. But I could have told Agent Colton
that getting those two to dance wasn't going to be easy, because
they're not stupid: Whatever their relationship is, it's private.
They make that very clear, without saying one word.

Now, understand, I know they're more than just partners.
Everybody knows that, because you'd have to be blind, deaf and
willfully ignorant not to. I also know that everyone thinks
they're sleeping together, but they're not. I couldn't say how I
know that. I just do.

Agent Colton's song was first -- he went with "Angel," by Sarah
McLachlan, and you'd have thought that would be a good choice,
but no -- the agents just sat there like nothing was going on.
They were just oblivious to everybody but each other, as usual.

Well, you know, not completely. I mean, she would get up
sometimes and go speak to someone else, and sometimes someone
would go sit by him and talk to him for a while. But sooner or
later it was back to just the two of them, sitting in the corner,
not even touching, really. Just talking together, sometimes
smiling, sometimes not.

But it's always like that with them -- like they're two halves
of the same person. I know. I notice things, remember? I'm there
when they're waiting to see the assistant director, and I know --
better than Walter does, actually -- just how close those two
are, because I see them argue sometimes.

They don't argue out loud or anything -- not in the outer
office, anyway. When theyâ€Åre alone, itâ€Ås another matter. I've
been downstairs, once or twice, when they were really getting
angry at each other, and they got pretty loud. I could hear them
just fine even with their door.

But when they get upstairs, they donâ€Åt yell or even talk loud:
they whisper, or else they just donâ€Åt talk at all. They just sit
there and look at each other that way -- and I don't have to see
anything else to know that they're really, really pissed at each
other.

But when they get into Walter's office, it's like nothing ever
happened. You'd never know there'd ever been a cross word
between them; they act so calm, like they just couldn't agree
more with everything the other one's saying and everything's just
so wonderful.

They just never criticize each other in front of someone else.
They get angry while they're in there, all right, but almost
never at each other.

It's not just that "us against the world" thing that gives them
away, though. I've seen a lot of agents sitting there waiting to
talk to my boss, and they never sit as close together as agents
Mulder and Scully do.

And nobody else ever looks at their partner the way those two
look at each other.

Sometimes, when they're waiting, I've seen Agent Scully reach
over and straighten Agent Mulder's tie and I've seen him touch
her cheek, just with one finger, to get her attention. I've even
seen them hold hands, for just a second.

You can bet they don't know I see that stuff, because they
wouldn't have done it if they thought anybody could see. But no
matter how nice they are to me, I'm the "secretary" and I'm still
kind of invisible to them. Most of the time, they hide their
feelings as much as they can, which really isn't much.

They do love each other, you can see that. But they're not
lovers -- not in the "body part A plus body part B equals sex"
sense. In every other sense, though, I think they are. That's why
that damn bet got started in the first place.

I didn't really want to bet at first, because I knew Agent
Colton was trying to play a dirty trick on them and I didn't
want to do that to them. I like them, and I feel sorry for them
sometimes. I see how much he cares for her, how important she is
to him (even if he doesn't touch her much at all) and I'm sad
that -- for whatever reason -- they just can't take their
relationship to the next logical step.

But I knew exactly what kind of song they would want to dance
to, and I could have told Agent Colton that nothing as romantic
as "Angel" was going to work. They weren't about to get up and
dance to Agent Deville's choice, "Color My World," either, or
anything sappy like that. No way.

The next song was picked by one of the guys from Sci-Crime. I
don't know his name, but he must know the agents because he went
with "Can't Help Falling in Love." Everybody knows Agent Mulder's
an Elvis fan, and that's such a romantic song ...

But like I said, if there's any romancing going on, it's going
on where the rest of us won't see it. That song wasn't going to
do it. I could have told him that, but nobody ever pays any
attention to me.

People tried lots of other songs. Becky, AD Kersh's assistant,
chose "You Are My Lady," and Agent Miller from VICAP picked
"Desperado," which has always reminded me of Agent Mulder, but I
knew it wasn't going to work.

Somebody else tried "Because the Night" by 10,000 Maniacs, which
I love and which I think is really sexy, but it's way too sexy
for them to respond to in public. That one was a loser from the
get-go.

The game went on for a long time: People tried oldies, new
songs, love songs, unrequited love songs and sexy songs, uptempo
songs, ballads, dance numbers, and nothing happened. The agents
just sat there, drinking club soda and talking to each other.

Everybody there was barking up the wrong tree. So after a while,
when they'd gone through every song in the hat, I put in my $10
bucks and played it.

I didn't want to embarrass them or anything, and I guess I knew
I wouldn't. I did it just to pass the time while I was waiting
for Walter to show up, hoping against hope he'd at least come sit
by me for a minute -- I mean, I'm his administrative assistant.
It wouldn't be unnatural for him to stop and speak to me for a
while, would it?

I really think Walter draws more attention to us avoiding the
most natural things, like taking me to lunch or walking me to my
car, than he would if he did them. He worries too much about what
people will think, but I think it looks even more suspicious that
he never does those things. They're such a normal part of
working with someone, you know?

I mean, Agent Mulder and Agent Scully have lunch together a lot,
and they almost always sit together when they're out somewhere --
like they did that night. He helps her with her coat, he opens
car doors and office doors for her, and he holds his umbrella
over her even if it means he gets rained on, all that kind of
thing.

In fact, if I need to find Agent Scully after hours and she's
not at her apartment, I always call Agent Mulder's number next,
even before I try her cell phone. That's usually where she is --
sometimes real late at night, and sometimes even when he's out of
town because I think she feeds his fish or something -- and they
don't care who knows it. They don't act embarrassed about it at
all.

And I know, I mean I'm almost positive, there's nothing sexual
going on between them.

Well, you know, I don't watch them 24-7 and I have no idea what
goes on when they're in the field, but you know what I mean.
There are just things about them ... well, like I said, I notice
these things.

So there I was, trying to act casual and not whirl around to see
if it was Walter every time someone walked in the place, and I
walked over to the juke and started looking.

It took me a minute, but I finally found a good one, and it
worked perfectly. As soon as "Flying Purple People Eater" started
playing, Agent Mulder was on his feet, holding out his hand to
Agent Scully. She laughed and got up, and they danced.

Everybody was amazed, but really, it should have been a
no-brainer. Nobody ever seems to realize that Agent Mulder has a
sense of humor, but he does -- a weird sense of humor, but a
sense of humor just the same. I knew that song would appeal to
him and I knew Agent Scully would go along with it if he wanted
her to.

See, she has a sense of humor, too, and almost nobody knows that
except him -- and me, of course -- but I think that's not the
only reason she danced with him. She just doesn't get to see him
smile very much, and he was smiling that night. He was dancing
just a little closer to her than you usually would if you were
dancing with someone who's just a friend, but not so close you'd
automatically think she was his girlfriend.

And she was smiling back, and they were laughing. She is so
pretty when she smiles, especially when Agent Mulder's the one
who made her smile. She never smiles for anybody the way she
smiles for him.

I tried to imagine Walter holding me like that, smiling and
laughing with me like that right in front of the rest of the
staff and the agents, and I couldn't help it -- I started to
cry.

I didn't want to cry in front of everybody -- not that they paid
much attention to me, at least not before that damn song started
playing -- so I ran to the ladies' room and hid in one of the
stalls until I calmed down a little. When I came out I went over
to the mirror and redid my eye makeup.

And wouldn't you just know it -- Agent Scully came in, and she
looked so happy. She was kind of smiling and her eyes were all
sparkly and her face was just a little flushed. I don't think it
was because she was worn out from dancing, either.

She said hello to me, but then, she always does. For a minute, I
saw her looking at my eyes, which were still kind of red, and I
thought she was going to ask me what was wrong but she didn't. I
guess she could tell I didn't want to talk about it. So she
brushed her hair and put on more lipstick and left me alone.

Funny -- I'd never noticed it before, but she wears exactly the
same kind of lipstick that I do. It's called "Naked Bronze," and
it's from Just For Redheads. I buy all my makeup from them.

She left the ladies' room before I did. When I came out, she was
gone -- and so was Agent Mulder. I guess they left together. I
don't really know.

People were all asking me how I did it, how I got the right
song, but I didn't really want to talk about it right then. I
didn't really answer anybody until Agent Markewicz asked me where
my boss was going tonight.

"As far as I know, he's going to be here," I said, trying to be
casual.

"Oh, yeah, he was here already," Agent Markewicz said. "He left,
though; he came in and said something to Cruthirds, then he sat
down with Mulder and Scully for a few minutes. Then he said he
had somewhere he had to be and he left. Does he have a girlfriend
or something?"

He'd left? How could he leave? I'd told him I would be there,
I'd waited for nearly two hours for him to show up, and when he
got there, he left without even waiting to speak to me.

I don't remember what I told Agent Markewicz. I just know that I
went home and spent a long, long time looking in the mirror.

I could just imagine what happened while I was in the ladies'
room. I could see it like I'd been there, because I know how
Walter acts when he sees agents Mulder and Scully together. He
likes them, and I know he thinks they're both great agents, but
when he looks at them it's almost like he's seeing something he
doesn't exactly like but can't do anything about it.

But that night, I figured it out. I knew what it was he didn't
like, and I knew that he had done something about it, and not too
long ago, either.

I remember that day so well. Agent Scully came to his office and
just brushed right by me like I wasn't there. I heard her telling
Walter something about Agent Mulder being in trouble, and then
she got all mad and left.

A little while later, Walter -- I mean, Mr. Skinner (that's what
I have to call him at work) -- came out and asked me if I knew
where Agent Scully went. I didn't, and I told him so.

He left. When he came back, he was almost smiling and there was
lipstick on his mouth.

And that afternoon, he kissed me. He put his arms around me and
kissed me, right there in his office -- which is the only time
he's ever even touched me at work.

But I didn't care, because before too much longer, he was coming
over to my apartment at night -- after midnight, always after
midnight -- because he said he didn't want anyone to see him
there. Whatever. I was so smitten with him, so happy that he
had noticed me, that I went along with it.

Sometimes, when I was expecting him, he'd call me late at night
and he'd tell me we had to back off a little, that it was getting
too complicated. And I would cry, but I would go along with that,
too. I was so afraid he'd ask me to resign if he saw that I
couldn't deal with it that I forced myself to be calm and act
like nothing ever happened.

For a long time, I couldn't figure it out. What was with this
sneaking around, this "oh, we can't see each other anymore?" I
knew he and Mrs. Skinner were divorced; you can't hide that kind
of thing from your administrative assistant, believe me. So it
wasn't that.

After a while, though, he'd always come back to me, and I would
hold him and touch him and try everything I could to make him
happy. Afterward, I would talk to him and tell him how wonderful
a lover he is and how happy he makes me, but I've never told him
I love him even though I do. He gets this weird look on his face
if he even thinks I'm going to say that, and he sure never says
it to me.

I know. I'm a doormat. I should tell him to get lost. I should
transfer to the New York Regional office. I should leave the
Bureau. I should get counseling. I've told myself all this so
many times before, and I never listen.

I am so stupid, but I just keep thinking that if I play by his
rules, do everything just the way he wants it, he'll see someday
how much he means to me, because, pathetic little creature that I
am, I love him. I really do.

He wouldn't even have to say it, if just once he would look at
me the way Agent Mulder looks at Agent Scully.

It'll never happen. He doesn't really love me and I know it. I
try my best, but I just can't make the sex good enough to change
that.

And when he came over that night, right after midnight, for the
first time ever with him I just couldn't get into it. He was
really sweet to me, and he tried everything to please me, but
nothing happened. I felt kind of bad about it, but I just
couldn't help it.

Every time he touched me, I kept remembering what I saw when I
looked in the mirror -- what he sees when he looks at me.

Red hair, cut in a mid-length bob, a freckled nose, green eyes.
Slender, but not very tall. Even the Naked Bronze lipstick.

See, it's like I told you:

I notice these things.
 

*************************

End "I Notice These Things" by Jean Helms
Feedback: jeanlhelms@aol.com
Visit my story archive at www.angelfire.com/ms2/lovesurvives
Jean