By Katvictory
Katvictory57@aol.com
RATING: PG-13 (One less than PC word)
CATEGORIES: Post episode (Requiem), vignette
SPOILERS: Requiem
SUMMARY: Mulder's thoughts after his abduction.
THANKYOU: To Mori, first and always. More than a beta, more than a friend, a lifeline when I needed one. To AlyC who kept the faith and the home fires burning.
FEEDBACK: Welcome, wanted and needed. Katvictory57@aol.com
~~~
Knowing
By Katvictory
At first there was no sense of awareness. That was good. No sight, no sound, no pain. Then a voice came inside him. Soft, calmly spoken, but not to be denied.
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
The tug on my mind was brutal. It tore each memory from me one by one from the beginning until my last conscious thought as the light claimed me -- all that lay between. My life.
- she’s left, who'll hold me? who'll feed me? i'm alone. what if she doesn't come back? mother...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's gone. i lost her. it's my fault. i don't KNOW what happened. i can't remember. really. i'm sorry. please, i'm so sorry. dad, i'm sorry. will I ever find her? she's gone, sam...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's gone. i'm too late. they took her. it's my fault. this happened because of me. i have to find her. she's gone, scully...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's dying. there's nothing i can do. this is happening because of me. i have to find a way to save her. she can't die, dana...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- will i see her again? i’m alone. so alone…
They're not taken from me. They're still there. But the pain that came when they brought them up to study them so coldly makes me bury them deeper. I can never let them surface again. Never. They're gone. But I'm fine. Who needs sadness anyway?
*****
The voice comes again Another question, more agony. What is stolen this time is more painful, because it's something I need. Still when they ask, I must give, each and every memory that is there.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
They take, and take. I try to hold back, but they won't let me.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- her laugh, that deep, rich sound that floats up so amazingly light. it caresses my senses, makes my nerves tingle...
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- her body, curled up next to mine. warm flesh against flesh...
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- that scent, her hair, sweet vanilla. her soap. the odor of longing -- of need, hot passion seeps from her pores.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- i see her smile, her tears, her eyes, her hands, her body -- and now it's gone.
No more. What will be next?
*****
The voice asks. And I give. Until there's nothing left. But still they want. They ask.
"Do you KNOW fear?"
"Do you KNOW pain?"
"Do you KNOW compassion?"
"Do you KNOW jealousy?"
"Do you KNOW excitement?"
"Do you KNOW contentment?"
"Do you KNOW hate?"
WHAT! HATE! DO I KNOW HATE! You've come to the right place, fucker!
"Do you KNOW hate?"
I'm full of hate!
"Do you KNOW hate?"
But if you take that, too, I'll have nothing left.
"Do you KNOW hate?"
So they look...they find. They take. Take till it's gone. Then there is nothing.
*****
The voice -- it comes again. What's left to take?
"Do you KNOW love?"
No. There is no love. There's no love left. None. You took it all. You took all the joy, the sorrow, the fear, the pain, excitement, contentment, compassion, jealousy, *hate...love, love is all those things. Look inside of me, there's nothing -- nothing left.
"Do you KNOW love?"
No, I KNOW nothing.
*****
I feel the cold. My eyes open. I smell the leaves, the earthy scent of rain sodden dirt. I'm home.
"I'm home." My voice is flat, joyless. I'm hurt, but I can't feel the pain. It's cold.I need to get warm, but I can't move. I'm not afraid because I don't know fear. I bring my arm up. I see the tiny, golden cross catch the sun, in the dim, gray light.
They didn't KNOW I lied . . .
- I KNOW -- i still know -- love.
END