Ewa
E-mail: ewa@whatewa.com

RATING:  G
CATEGORY: V
SPOILER: Season 8 up to EMPEDOCLES
KEYWORDS: S/D  S POV

SUMMARY: Leaving a friend.
DISCLAIMER: Any characters you recognize belong to Mr. Carter
& Co. Doesn't stop me messing with them though, purely for
the fun of it, monetary gain has never been an issue here.

ARCHIVES: You mean, I don't have to pay? Let me know where
it's gone please! Please keep declaimer etc with it.

Feedback is always valued

Visit me and read my other x-phile stories at
http://www.whatewa.com

21.08.02

LONE WOLF

Damn hormones! I really don't need this at the moment! I feel
angry ay myself as I fight to contain the embarrassing
wetness of my eyes and almost stumble in the dim hallway
leading to the elevator and to freedom; all but dropping the
box that contains eight years of my life. Eight years I
worked and lived down here, eight years I fought to search
for the truth, now it's over and a chapter of my life closes.

The silence is broken as ahead; the elevator doors clang
open, followed by the tapping of female footsteps. She hasn't
seen me and I pull further into the shadows. I feel raw and
exposed and I don't want anyone to observe how exposed I'm
feeling at the moment.

She looks lost, but I'm not in the mood to help out.
Fleetingly I see the look of naivety in her eyes. She hasn't
seen me and makes her way down the hallway, leaving a faint
flowery scent in her trail.

I can't help but wonder. Did I ever look like that so young,
so innocent? She looks like she's on work experience and
still at high school. Mom always said you knew you were
getting old when cops looked like they were playing hooky
from high school and for the first time I understand what she
means.
 
The footsteps stop, and then turn back as I dodge as quickly
as I can in my condition into the vacant elevator and set it
in motion in my bid for liberty. Leaning back against the
barren metallic interior I breathe out slowly and rest my hot
face against the cold surface struggling to get my errant
emotions under control. I don't want to go there, but my
thoughts defy my brain's ruling and race forward
unrestrained.

Why am I feeling like this? Sure, I'm pregnant and the
emotional roller coaster has taken its toll, but I should be
feeling glad, relieved even. This pregnancy has been far from
easy, but now is the time for me to rest, to gather my
strength before giving it birth, my time to let go and get
reacquainted with my baby's father. Don't we deserve this
time together after all we've been through these past months?

I embrace my box of memories and feel the tear breaking it's
mooring, gliding slowly down my flushed cheek leaving a cold
trail on my face and a wrenching in my chest. My mind wonders
back to the basement office I've just left. When did he
become so important to me? When did he become my friend?
 
He was a lone, dangerous wolf, marking the boundaries of his
new territory, doing what he had to do to survive. The new
Alpha male of the pack, and he knew it. His whole attitude,
the way he stood and walked managed to piss me off on our
first encounter and as he went go through his "Alpha act", it
was me who responded, growling and with hackles raised. The
last thing on this earth I wanted was to be the female part
of the Alpha pair.

Proud, arrogant, manipulative, he played to the audience of
fellow agents, and seemed to get one hell of a kick out of
it! He had a lean and hungry look about him as he stared at
me with those piercing, ice blue eyes which seemed to turn
almost silver, as he attempted to make me doubt my partner,
doubt the relationship Mulder and I had developed over so
many years.

I hated him. I hate him for making me have those feelings, I
hated him for making me doubt, I hated him for being there
while my partner was gone.

When the tide of our relationship changed? Was it was his
honest? Was it was because he wouldn't stand for any BS
between us? Gradually I realized that for all his skepticism,
he respected my theories. Early on in our relationship he
proved himself caring and surprisingly gentle whilst all the
while respecting my privacy. Mutual regard grew between us,
for me this was fueled by Agent Doggett's loyalty to the X-
Files, and above all for his esteem for me and respect for my
expertise.

Knuckling my eyes I will myself to stop this foolishness, to
stop the tears that threaten to take over, to stop the
feeling of loss that is trying to overpower me. I'm going on
maternity leave for god sake. I need this time for myself!
Yet knowing all this doesn't stop me bearing myself up for
leave him on his own, unprotected, fighting the battles that
should have been Mulder's and mine.

When did I become protective of him? Was it was the doctor in
me? Possibly I just needed another human being near me, now
that Mulder was gone? I just don't know. He was dependable
and truthful and a friend to me even when I didn't want him
to be, standing by me without question even when I wouldn't
trust him.

After he cut that creature out of my back our bond grew and
altered. His eyes darkened with fear for me as he made that
incision and in that instant I recognized I could rely on him
to protect both the baby he didn't know about and me. I knew
we were safe in his hands.

Our cautious friendship grew and with it my awareness of the
mantle of sadness that seemed to hang heavily on his
shoulders. He had his secrets too. After a while I discovered
the reason for his sadness that he, like me, had lost a
child. I understand what he's gone through and the fact he
needs to be in control of his life and his emotions.
 
We bring out the best in each other, all the while
challenging each other professionally. We listen to each
other and work selflessly together to achieve our common goal
of solving the case

Over the months his care of me has increased, and his concern
has touched me deeply. Not once has he asked why, not once
has he pushed for answers. He's just been there.

My admiration for Agent Doggett grew, as did my friendship. I
value his honesty and loyalty and even when he can't agree
with me or can't be as open minded we treat each other as
equal partners. There is empathy between us that often does
away with the need for questions or explanations. Like the
wolf, he is intelligent and courageous, displaying
extraordinary team spirit and cooperation during our search
for the truth. So well are we attuned that we often act as
one. At first I didn't want this, it reminded me painfully of
how it was with Mulder and I fought against it. Now it will
be one of the things I will miss most about Doggett.

When I was at my weakest, when he finally discovered my
reasons; the child I carry within me, he pledged he would
find Mulder for me, and he did.  He endeavored to protect me
and the child when we thought Mulder was dead and like a
guardian angel he continued to hover in the background when
Mulder was restored to me, never asking for anything for
himself just being of service wherever he could, never
questioning, never passing an opinion.

Occasionally I saw the look of loneliness in his eyes, the
sadness that turned the silver to deep blue. He understood
without the need of words that Mulder would always be the
focal point of my life. His fidelity to me and to the x-files
has gained him nothing from his superior other than derision,
yet still he remains loyal, fighting now for a cause that
isn't even his. And now the fight has become his.

Mulder resented him from the beginning, made me feel as
though I'd betrayed him and our cause. What he doesn't
understand is that without Doggett, without his teamwork and
partnership I wouldn't be here now and there would be no x-
files. Kersh would have shut us down; I couldn't have gone it
alone. That was why I gave him Mulder's key chain, hoping
that he would understand how important he'd become to me, how
much I valued his friendship.

The scene of the last few minutes keeps replaying itself in
front of my eyes and its so hard to keep the tears at bay as
I remember the look in Doggett's eyes as I hugged him and he
hugged be back almost as fiercely. Neither of us wanted to
say goodbye, and I have a feeling he will miss me as much as
I'm missing him already.

He will go on, like that lone wolf, my friend, my partner,
and my knight in armor. Like that animal, Agent John Doggett
is as fierce an enemy as he is an ally.

The elevator shudders to a halt and I stagger out into the
light, making my way to my parked car, to my new life,
thankful that the place seems deserted and that no one can
see my grief at leaving a friend behind.
 

 09.12.02