By  Circe
cinvidiosa@yahoo.ca
 

Date: Tue, 20 Mar 200
Rating: PG
Classification: MSR, Mulder angst, MS-UST
Spoilers: SUZ, ref to events in Demons, Detour, Anasazi,
Amor Fati II
Disclaimer:  I make no claims on the show or the
characters.  They are owned by Fox, etc.
Archive/Distribution: Yours for the asking.
Acknowledgements:  Thanks to Carol.
Summary: SUZ missing scene
 

Somehow Scully managed to get him into bed.  She sat beside
him until he fell asleep.  It didn't take long.  She was
the only witness to Mulder's grief and the depths it
reached shook her.  Ever since Mulder had lobbed his
accusations at his mother under the influence of a hole in
his skull and a hallucinogen, their relationship had been
indifferent at best.

Now that Teena Mulder was gone, he didn't have the
opportunity to take back what he said or find out the
truth.  Scully could only surmise what he was going
through.  When her father died, her insecurities made her
doubt his judgments about her choices, but never his love.

Scully eased herself off the bed when she was satisfied her
movements wouldn't wake him.  She looked at her watch, 3
am.  She'd never get to sleep now.  She went into the
living room and found her jacket.  She fished her cell from
its pocket and called her answering machine.  No messages.
Of course.  She just spent the entire evening with one of
the only people who regularly calls her.  She sat heavily
on the leather couch.  She hoped that the wave of fatigue
sweeping through her body would carry her into sleep, but
she couldn't quiet her mind.

Scully leaned back, slouching so that her head rested
against the back of the couch.  She propped her feet up on
the coffee table as she remembered what she had tried to
tell Mulder earlier, "She was trying to tell you to stop --
to stop looking for your sister.  She was just trying to
take away your pain..."

Even as she spoke, Scully had known it was a futile attempt
to try to soothe Mulder with words.  She had sought for
anything to say knowing that time would be the only thing
that would heal his pain.  She really had no idea what that
woman's motivations were.  Yes, his mother was facing a
certain and painful death, but Scully was angry with her
for taking her own life without giving Mulder the answers
he so desperately sought and deserved.

What was her hurry?  What difference would a day or two
have made?  Why couldn't she wait for Mulder to get in
touch with her?  Scully wouldn't let her own paranoia allow
her to think that there was some sort of conspiracy behind
Teena Mulder's death.  Her autopsy findings left no room to
deny what had happened to his mother.

As much as Scully tried to relax now, the events earlier in
the evening were still vividly playing out in her mind. She
knelt before him holding him against her as he cried until
her legs and shoulders ached.  She stood up, looking down
at him and quickly peeled off her jacket.  She urged him to
get up from the chair for a moment and move to the couch
with her.  He followed her practically crawling to the
couch.

She motioned for him to lie down on the couch, but he
pushed her away, his anger resurfacing.  She sat down on
the couch beside him and gently squeezed his arm.

"Go.  Just go, Scully," he said hoarsely, shaking her hand
loose from his arm, "I want to be alone."  He wouldn't look
at her.

"No, Mulder.  I really don't think you should be alone
tonight."

"I already am."

"Don't say that..."

"It's true...my sister, my father, my mother..."

She closed her eyes and waited for him to finish.  Don't
say her name, she thought as an image of Diana flashed
through her mind.  If you say her name, I will leave.

He added nothing else.  "I'm still here," she said quietly,
not knowing if it made a difference.

His hand went to her knee but he still didn't look at her.
Before she could reach out and take his hand, he took it
away and held his head in his hands.  His elbows rested on
his knees as he leaned forward.  "You should go, Scully.
Go."

"You can't keep doing this to me, Mulder..."

The harshness of his voice startled her as he yelled, "Do
what to you?  Other than fuck up your life too...Just go."

She was trying not to get angry, "Stop the martyrdom,
Mulder...You can't keep telling me you need me and then
tell me to get away from you the next moment.  I'm not
leaving."

His face twisted in pain.  He said with a tight voice, "How
much more do I have to lose, Scully?  How much more before
everyone's gone?  How much more?  I should have called her.
Why didn't I just take a minute to see what she wanted?"

His voice was breaking.  His body shook as he tried to hold
in an uncontrollable sob.  Scully put her arms around his
shoulders and gently pulled him down so she could hold him.
His mood swings were unpredictable.

She eased him down further, resting his head in her lap.
He lay on his side facing away from her.  Her fingers
combed gently through his hair, hoping her touch might calm
him.  She sought for something to say to him, but could
only think of meaningless platitudes.  Like the things she
heard from others when her father and sister died.  She
couldn't think of anything else so she sat quietly waiting
for Mulder's breathing to steady.  His collapse filled her
with the need to mother him.  She resisted the urge to hum
a lullaby, but she wished she could take his grief on
herself if only to spare him.  Insensible words spilled out
of his mouth.

"What am I going to do?" he said through tears.  It was the
only audible thing Scully had heard him say.

She whispered into his ear, "You're going to take some time
off.  You're going to get some rest.  And above all, you're
going to listen to me."

He chuckled in spite of himself.  At least it seemed to
stop his weeping.  He took a deep breath and wiped at his
eyes.  He still faced away from her but remained in her
lap.

"I'm listening," he whispered.

"Good.  Mulder, as much as you think it might justify your
remorse and your pain, you can't blame yourself or anyone
else for this.  She was doing what she thought was best."

"It hurts," he murmured.

"I know."

They said nothing else.  Scully's fingers still trailed
through Mulder's hair.  He put his hand on her knee and
gave it a squeeze.  Scully reached forward and offered him
her hand.  This time he took it and held it.  She
remembered another time she held him like this.  They were
lost in a forest and they were sitting on the ground.
Mulder was hurt then too and she held him to keep him warm
and to let him sleep.  She watched over him all night
making sure his injuries didn't cause him any further harm.
She'd watch him tonight again, for the same reason.

Mulder's hand relaxed in hers.  He seemed to be drifting.
She took the opportunity to lean towards the desk.  She hit
the 'off' button on his answering machine and made a grab
at his phone.

Mulder snapped to attention and turned to look at her as
she sat back.  "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Turning the ringer off on your phone.  I don't want anyone
bothering you tonight."

"Scully, I'm going to be okay.  You don't have to be so
drastic."

"Humour me."

He turned back and relaxed again.  He reached up and held
his hand out to her.  She grasped it again.  She wondered
if he realized just how much she took care of him.  She
wondered if he knew just how much she secretly enjoyed it.

Scully wished for a distraction.  The television cart was
along the other side of the wall.  The pizza box on the
coffee table was too far for her to reach without
disturbing Mulder.  She hoped he would fall asleep soon.

Mulder suddenly spoke quietly, "Seriously, Scully.  If you
want to get going, I'll be okay."

"I thought I told you to listen to me.  Is my company that
awful?"

"Never," he replied squeezing her hand.

She leaned her head back and watched him through half-
closed eyes.  He spoke again, "I was a really lousy son."

Don't do this, she thought, but said, "Mulder...How can you
say that?"

"Pretty easily."

"Mulder, I don't know what your definition of being a good
child is.  But I would say, under the circumstances you
were given, you turned out better than you should have.  A
lot of people come from messed up families...for someone
who grew up surrounded by secrets and lies, you're a good
man."

"I never made enough of an effort."

"Did she, Mulder?  Did your father?"

He had no answer.  His shoulders began to shake though and
she knew he was crying again.  He let go of her hand and
buried his face in his hands.  It was too much.  Her heart
was breaking for him and all she could do was hold on to
him.

He hadn't had the opportunity to mourn his father, coming
so close to death himself.  He was never given the closure
he so desperately needed with his sister's disappearance.
It seemed like with his mother's passing, he was finally
mourning all the losses in his life.

"You're all I've got left, Scully."

She closed her eyes.  Insecurity made her wish he hadn't
said that.  She didn't want that kind of responsibility.

He continued, "I couldn't go on without you."

"Mulder, you're going to say something you'll regret..."

"Maybe I regret not saying anything...Maybe I need to say
these things...If anything ever happens to me, I want you
to know...I don't want anything left unsaid..."

"Nothing's going to happen to you, Mulder..."

"You don't know that..."

"Mulder, shh...please..."

She couldn't handle this.  What was he trying to say?  Was
he going to harm himself?  Now she really had to stay...

Scully felt guilt wadding up into a lump in her throat.
What was wrong with her?  Why was she shutting him up?  If
he needed to talk, why couldn't she listen, especially now?
He needed the release.

She swallowed, "I couldn't go on without you either,
Mulder.  But I would try."

"I'd want you to."

"I know."

Her hand ran through his hair again.  Her fingertip grazed
the scar from the forced surgery he endured.  She felt him
flinch under her touch.  Before she could take her hand
away, Mulder took her hand in his again.

"I'd want you to try too," she said.

"I couldn't.  You're so much stronger than me.  You are my
strength."

Scully shook her head even though he couldn't see her.  She
leaned forward to kiss his cheek, but he turned to face her
as she neared.  Her face hovered just above his not knowing
what to do now that her plan was ruined.  Her breath caught
in her chest.  He was bridging the gap.  She felt his hand
curl around her neck pulling her down further.  He strained
to reach her until his lips crushed against hers.  Her mind
railed against what was happening telling her it wasn't the
right time.  But she allowed it to continue.  She couldn't
risk what could only be perceived as a rejection of him.
And she wanted it to continue.  Could she admit that to
herself?  Why else wasn't she stopping this?  She couldn't
even try.

She involuntarily deepened the kiss.  She could taste the
salt of his tears on his lips.  It brought back the reasons
why she should stop this, but before she could, he released
her and sat up a little.

The abruptness of their parting made her realize that as
much as she questioned it, she didn't want it to end.  He
turned to face her, supporting himself on one arm, which he
placed on the other side of her.  She could feel his breath
on her face as he leaned closer towards her.  She felt
trapped.  The only way she could get up and away would be
to slouch down and slide under his arm.  Why did she always
look for an escape route?

She looked at him.  His eyes were red and puffy.  His
cheeks were still damp.  She reached to wipe his face dry
with her fingers.  He pulled her hand away and kissed her
palm. His hand brushed her cheek.  His hand moved through
her hair until it rested on the back of her neck again.  He
pulled her forward to him.  She felt his nose brush under
hers.  She could feel him breathing in her breath as he
pressed his mouth to hers again.  She made no movement to
resist him and began wrapping her arms around him when he
suddenly broke off.  His body jerked up and turned away
from her with his back to her pulling his head into his
hands.

"I'm sorry, Scully."

She put her hands on his shoulders and rested her head
against his back, "For what?"

"This...I shouldn't have...I'm sorry...It was
inappropriate."

"No, Mulder.  It's okay."

"No, it's not right. I'm trying not to feel by feeling
something else."

"It's okay to want to feel something else."

"Scully, you're my friend, and I can't use you like that.
If this is ever going to happen, it's going to be about you
and me.  I don't want to associate us with death and hurt
feelings. It's not the right time."

His words echoed her earlier thoughts.  She didn't want him
to feel rejected and yet now she was the one feeling
rejected.

"There's never a right time..." she said, her voice barely
a whisper.  She hadn't meant to say it out loud.

He swung his legs around to sit up on the couch and then
pulled her into his arms and held her.  He murmured in her
ear, "Maybe not, but there will be a better time."

She took some comfort in his words but wondered how their
roles got reversed all of a sudden.  She was the one who
was supposed to console him.

But he would need her support again. She watched his
metamorphosis.  It wasn't long before he dissolved into
grief again.  He ran the gamut of his emotions and it
exhausted both of them.  And at some point she pleaded with
him to lie down in bed and try to sleep.  He acquiesced and
let her lead the way...

As her mind remembered, she felt it slipping away from
consciousness.  If she just stayed still, maybe she could
trick herself into falling asleep.  But she thought she
heard someone speak.  Was Mulder talking to her?  Her eyes
opened and listened carefully.

"Scully?" he called from his bedroom softly.  She wasn't
sure if exhaustion was making her hallucinate.  She waited
and heard him called again, louder, "Scully?"

"Yeah," she replied taking a deep breath before hoisting
herself up off the couch.  She walked back into his
bedroom, "I'm right here, Mulder."  He was sitting up in
bed looking groggy and confused.  He lay back down as she
neared.

"I thought you might have left."  He patted the mattress
beside him as an invitation and she accepted.

"I told you I wouldn't."  She sat up on the bed with her
legs crossed looking down at him.

"I know.  I was just afraid that maybe you might have
anyway.  Something I may have said...I can be an idiot
sometimes."  He tugged on her arm until she gave in and lay
down beside him facing him.  He let his arm drape across
her waist.

"You know, one of these days, Mulder, I'm going to take you
seriously and leave when you tell me to."

"I know," he repeated sleepily.

"What will you do then?" she asked before drifting off.

"Find you."