Never For You - The Collector's Edition
An X-Files Novel
by LMControl  a.k.a.  L. McCullen
      

 
Disclaimer:  The X-Files and all related entities pertaining hereto are not
used with the permission of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions Inc. or
anyone associated with.  All characterizations are based on those
created by Chris Carter, Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny.  Any  
resemblance to their fiction or any other unauthorized works of fiction is
purely coincidental and not  intended to infringe on the works of others.  
In other words... they own'em...I don't.  
 
-Spoilers: up to and through Fight the Future.  Some of the details come
directly from the film novelization that were left out, assuming they will
eventually come to light in the series.  

-Rated:  NC-17 (Language, adult situations)  

-Archive: Anywhere.  A note from webmasters would be appreciated so
I can reference it for others.

-Type:  S, MSR, X, A  

-Keywords:  Mulder/Scully

-Summary:  Living, loving....... and learning to let go. Set in the future,
post episodic series finale, the X-Files are closed permanently due to
unforeseen circumstances.  Facing the dissolution of the partnership,
Mulder and Scully go their separate ways trying to find a future, unable
to see past their history.  All the while, evil forces surround them in
Washington that threaten the very existence of our nation's most prized  
possession....democracy.  

-FEEDBACK- Is always appreciated.  Good or bad it could do nothing
but inspire and help me become a better writer.  Folks, I'm doing this
for you as well as myself.   All feedback should be addressed to:
ebx@mindspring.com  or  iwant2blve@yahoo.com  
 
-Dedications & Inspirations-  Graves, Rambo, Rasch, Chait, S. Davis,
Bower,  Harrison, Raine, Akimoto, DashaK, Nascent, Irving, Baker,
Mosley, Schatz, Dupre, Esty, Culverson, Scott, XFBandit,  Michaela,
Danza, Comet, Martin, Chelle, Selby, Rochelle, Sewell-Jennings..... you
guys made all of this possible.
 
Special Thanks:  Kim & Lauren.  For your kind words and enormous
support, I offer my deepest thanks and gratitude.

Started March 25, 1998.   Completed August 8, 1998.
 


 
  [Never for You... An X-Files novel]


 
 
Prologue  
 
"All other pleasures are not worth its pain."      -Plutarch  
 
    
     When the days roll into nights and the gentle stillness of life
pushes at it's deliberate pace, the clarity of presence or the lack of
one will bring to light those truths which you not only seek out but  
entertain only in passing thought.  That those truths may find
themselves a resident of your heart, you have no choice. While the
impossible ways in which life bends itself to the road less traveled,
make the uniqueness  possible and the predictable impractical.  It is the
pains of life that make the victory's essence sweeter, our hearts softer.  
 
 
 
[No Constant]  
 

Sometime in the future......
 
 
I-95 South  
Saturday, February 16  
 

The steel-belted whine of the tires beat a steady rhythm into the back of
Fox Mulder's head as he drove on an impossibly long stretch of
interstate towards home and the conclusion of another case.  
Approaching a myriad of thoughts, his burgeoning mind ran through
it's customary after-case ruminations.  Wondering if he left anything
behind at the hotel, making preliminary summaries in his mind for the
report to be filed.  Tedious things.  Things that he would follow at a set  
pattern in order to give his life some semblance of order and a sense of
reality, marking that it truly was his to negotiate.   Some days feeling as
if his heartbeat was the only thing that he could depend on, he knew
deep down he had another precious belonging that was always at his
side. Had been, would be.    
 
More often than not lately, he strived harder for that order.  Normalcy
almost.  His text books at Oxford called it just your normal atypical
mid-life crisis.  Where other middle aged men reached backwards to
arrest a youth they felt had passed them by, Mulder reached for things
he had yet to capture.  

Just past the age of forty now and a tinge of worry lines bordering his
eyes, Fox Mulder was the beneficiary of an insipid journey that had  
literally taken him to the corners of the globe in practice as well as in
purpose.  In a great many respects, the journey had come to an end.  
The initial kindling used to create his existence, now exposed for what it
was.  A hoax within a host of other lies used to consecrate the work.

The project.

The merchandise.

Him.

A father once cursed, now seen in a new light.  A goal once in sight,
now seemed distant in memory, if not for the fact he was reminded of it
everyday.  Again, always at his side, always within arms reach. His
answers received, his truth revealed, none celebrated.  
 
The X-files had realized success in unveiling the truths about plans so
hideous, the inherent powers that be could not afford to resist them
anymore.  Assurances were made and actions taken to end a plan of
alien colonization that would not prosper with the magic and weapons  
secured in the ultimate struggle to survive.    

Along the way they found those truths, which if brought to light, would
throw all aspects of assembled reality into chaos as  religion and science
would clash into an uncontrollable war of fright and panic. The fight for
the future had indeed been fraught with perilous entanglements, not the
least of which had been his partners life.
 
Looking for that answer he sought most, in the end it was tragically
thrown at him.  It was finally enough.   Enough that the sacrifice had
outweighed the need to know, because knowing was far worse than not.   
Enough that the two responsible for it were finally allowed a moment's
peace, allowed to slip back into routine existence in exchange for
control.  

Control of the facts that were to be hoarded if the planet were to escape
the rape of an alien civilization.  The moment's peace only found in the
dead of night when all they heard were their heartbeats as she lay alone
in her bed or him alone on his couch.  

A journey that began with trust, a distance traveled with faith and a
destination that yielded the simple, brutal truth.   
 
 
*************  
 
 
Budgetary concerns in the travel office of the FBI lately made it difficult
to get approval for airfare,  especially when the department  nobody
gave a damn about dwelled in the basement of the Hoover building.
Looking over to the right Mulder noticed that his partner was passed
out, even snoring a little bit, right there as always, by his side.  
 
Mulder checked the cruise setting to make sure he was indeed setting a
new speed record from Portland,  Maine to the nation's capitol.  The
engine of the standard issue Ford Taurus that seemed to reside in  
perpetuity at every Lariat Rental Car agency they had ever been to,
hummed along steadily.  Even at eighty miles per hour, a quick flash of
his FBI credentials would get him out of any possible troubles with local
law enforcers.  Three hours outside of D.C. and he was still not sure
how he would explain to Skinner that a twelve year old was capable of  
pursuing and killing six people twice his size with little or no known  
motive or connection.   Their proof was undeniable and the confession
would seal the case.  Astral  projection or not, a twelve year old
murdering others was almost worthy of being an X-File just on those  
merits alone.  
 
"Hey, why didn't you wake me" came a well known, throaty voice
from Mulder's right.  
 
"You were tired and you know I didn't want to disturb the queen of the
FBI."

Any other day, Scully might have been put off by his sarcastic tone, but
she knew he was still sulking.  With a demented laugh, that she didn't
try to cover, she basked in the glory of being right.  `Astral projection
my ass, Mulder.'  

Scully kept her smug comments to herself and only let the look of
satisfaction, written all over her face, stand as the reminder that she was
the one who called this case to a close.  

`Oh well, maybe one smug comment.'

"So Mulder.... when can I cash in on my end of the deal?"    

The bet of course.  Throughout the years of working cases together, the
two would occasionally bet on who would come up with the critical
pieces of evidence to solve the case.   Who was right, who was wrong.  
Who's theory was most consistent, who's wasn't.  This time it was
dinner.  Not a normal dinner, but a nice dinner.  

Mulder could only pray a tuxedo wouldn't be involved.  

Scully, by design of their assumed roles, didn't win the bets often, but
when she did, she always made the most of the winnings.   Being the
skeptic in any other partnership or unit of the FBI would probably be
the more lucrative side to be on, but not in the X-files.  Maybe that's
why Mulder didn't feel so bad when he lost, but he wouldn't let her
know it.

"Whenever you want, oh mighty one."  

Mulder knew the kidding he sent her way was his way of playing
spoilsport, but secretly he also knew she liked it.    
 
"Where are we?" she interrupted. After checking his watch and the
mileage, "I have us about three hours from home."    
         
"You're speeding aren't you?"  
   
"You did say your mom would kill you if you didn't make it to her
place by 6:30 tonight."  
 
"And my mom will kill you if you wrap us around a tree getting me
there."

Only the puzzling Dana Scully could get ill with someone by
not keeping her awake and trying to help her keep a promise with her
mother.  
 
"So....this big get-together is to celebrate your brother's new promotion
and assignment?"   Not wanting to pry anymore, he waited for her
response.   
 
"Basically. Mom just likes to find any excuse to have us together.   
Charlie will be overseas for the next two years and Bill Jr. doesn't get to
the east-coast that often so I better not miss this or I'll suffer the
wrath."  
 
"Bill's in town?  Give him my best will you?", Mulder offered in the
straight laced, everyday tone he had perfected.    
 
Wincing as she remembered that argument outside of her hospital room
which seemed long ago, she suddenly felt ashamed and angered at her
brother's behavior.  That her brother would take such pleasure in
relating to her the details of the encounter, made her sick.  It also
explained why Mulder was so reluctant to share in the celebration
afterwards.

Bill would never know how Mulder had supported and saved his sister.  
How it was Mulder that risked his life, his reputation and career for his
sister.  The fact Mulder would never consciously point this out to him
further puzzled Scully.  

`He was a devoted follower of the truth wasn't he?'   

He enjoyed flaunting out the truth whether it suited his purpose or
not. Caring what others thought about him not having one affect on his
state of existence. Having Bill find out the truth would be justification.
Justification for all he had accused  Mulder of taking from him.  Melissa,
his little sister and three months of her life.  
 
Seeing that he brought up a bad memory of a time better left forgotten,
Mulder retreated.  "Scully, I really didn't mean to.. ......"   Silence
permeated the car as road flew under them in a trance like pattern.    
 
Several miles later, Scully couldn't stand the issue hanging in the air,
unanswered. "Don't worry about it, Mulder,  I haven't spoken to Bill in
a while.  We... we just don't talk that much anymore."

"Scully...  I don't harbor any ill will or feelings for your brother."

"It's not that.... it's just......"  Her face restrained in anticipation.
"Does that mean you're coming... Mom asked too...."

Mulder rattled the idea around in his head for the hundredth time.  Since
receiving the invitation from Scully two weeks ago and a written one
through the mail from Margaret Scully, all Mulder could do was think of
reason after reason not to go.  

Or were they excuses?

Releasing his held breath, he took his eyes off the road for a brief
moment to look at his partner.  

"Don't take this the wrong way.... but I wouldn't feel very comfortable
there........  I mean it's a family event and..." A truck passing him on the
right interrupted his thoughts, however, the unfinished sentiment did
not need to be completed.

`What was he going to say?  He's not family?  He wouldn't belong?'  
Scully wondered why he would think such.  

Since inviting Mulder two weeks ago, he had avoided the topic
every time she brought it up.  As partners go, Mulder and Scully
were as close as partners could be.  

Close, but not too close.  

Together, but always independent.  Her mother used the word `alone.'

The invitation was an attempt from Scully to pull him in a little, she
admitted to herself.  She had seen his mid-life crisis that he often tried to
hide through humor and veiled innuendo.  

His search for stability.  

A hunger for something more.  

Examining her own life, especially since the remission of cancer, she too
had found new ways to look at herself.  She was one of independence,
no long term relationships or a husband as some social worker had once
told her.    Looking back to that terrible time, she realized now how
very little she and the social worker actually knew of her own life.   

As she reflected on the past few years especially, she had discovered
that Mulder was her independence, the longest relationship she had
ever maintained and in many ways, her husband.  They were wed on a
March day years ago, ministered by Section Chief Blevins, in the
sanctuary of a basement office in the Hoover building.  Blessed by
Skinner, bound by the X-files.

Colleagues.

Who became partners.

Exploring a friendship.

Relying on trust.


Idly thinking, she entertained the idea of cashing in on her end of the
bet and forcing him to join her tonight.  The bets were always born out
of professional rivalry.  A friendly game of one ups-manship they often
played to focus on the case at hand while keeping themselves in focus
with each other.

Her arm leaning against the passenger side window with her knuckles
pressed against her mouth, Scully let the subject drop, knowing she
wouldn't convince him otherwise about what he intended to say.


*************

 
Arriving at her apartment at precisely 5:47 PM, he urged her to go on
ahead and he would take care of her bags.  Lumbering in the front
door he heard the shower running and a frantic few steps running
around  between the bedroom and the bathroom.  

"Hey Scully, I'm gonna get going, have a good time, I'll see you
Monday morning."    
 
Scully poked her head out the bathroom door with a nervous smile,
"Thanks Mulder ......I'll see'ya Monday."    With that he stepped outside
the door and re-locked it.  For both of them, Monday would arrive too
soon in  more ways than one.  
 
 
*************  
 

An unspoken testament that the only constant in life is change was a
possibility that faced them every day.  The noise of life pressing
on, continuing at the pace of others as it always seemed.  Leading,  
following, flowing.    
 
The restructuring of the Internal Revenue Service after continual
investigations brought about  waves of aftershocks.  Nobody
ever could of dreamed of the unbelievable crimes against the public that
this lone, seemingly, unaccountable organization could have
perpetrated against the very people it was designed to serve.    
 
The confidence of a once proud national government was sent
reeling overnight and the effects were devastating.  "Watergate"
never came close to what people now referred to as "IRSHAM."  The  
loss of public support for the government literally turned the
government over in the span of one election.   

With that came tighter budgets, simpler tax forms, and conservative
views on the future.  Even the two political parties were torn apart into
factions that were bitter, but along the way compromises were formed
and a nation was on its way to a painful healing.     
 
Healing wasn't synonymous with prosperity though.  In order
to purge the nation of its scandal, a penance would have to be paid.   A
cloud that hung over  Washington for the past two years while the
evidence was painstakingly revealed to the American public would
soon cast a pall on government agencies nationwide.  Healing required
changes.  Fundamental changes.  


*************
 
 
Office of Walter Skinner, Assistant Director    
Monday, February 18  
10:30 AM  
 
 
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, please come in and have a seat."   

With an almost nervous look the Assistant Director waved them to their
usual seats across from his desk.  
 
"So...the case in Maine is closed to my satisfaction and we will hand it
over to the Portland DA officially  tomorrow..... correct?    

Mulder shifted in his seat with a wary look over at Scully who was
intrigued with the appeared agitated state of anxiety of the AD as well.   
 
"We plan to file the case report with your office this afternoon,..... was
that what you wanted to see us about?"   

Taken back by his boldness to pursue what was obviously  bothering the
AD, Scully stole a quick glance at Mulder to try and see what his
intentions were and silently voiced a warning to tread lightly.  The
recent pressures mounting on the shoulder's of the Assistant Director
were taking a toll.  
 
The AD leaned back in his chair and released a sigh that seemed more
out of relief, rather than his usual  brand of frustration when it came to
his eccentric agent.
 
Sitting there for several interminable minutes, the office remained quiet.

"Well, now that you bring it up........I didn't exactly bring you up here to
summarize your recent activities."  
    
This brought the two junior agents to alert.  Skinner was out of his
element at the moment and it showed.  A confident, intimidating
presence inherent from his days of Marine training at Parris Island and
sculpted in Viet-Nam soon disappeared as he rose from his desk and
looked out of his office window.  He couldn't bear to face them.  
 
"Sir, what's wrong?"  Scully's whispery voice faded on the last syllable.
 
Finding the courage, Skinner walked down the all too familiar road of
terminating one's life long work.

"The Justice Department has made its final decisions regarding the
status of several key departments in the Bureau as well as future
budgetary concerns. There have been massive cuts to our budget and
quite a few field agents will soon find themselves..... assigned to other
areas."  

Although not spoken aloud, the message was received.  Talks
of trimming the Bureau's force down had been swirling around the
hallways for weeks after the House of Representatives Oversight
Committee for Budgetary Reform had convened.
 
The silence that deafened the office lasted for a full minute if not more.  
Scully was stone-faced and dropped  her head only cognizant that the
most precious thing Mulder had in his life was finally being ripped from
him in a cruel ironic twist.  That her first thought was for him wasn't a
surprise to herself.  Mulder stared at the back of Skinner's head,
knowing that in this last final blow, Skinner didn't even have the guts to
look him in the eye.  
 
"I know the X-files were your project Mulder and no matter what has
happened between us in the past... you need to know that I am truly
sorry.....for both of you."  Skinner turned to face them both on his last
words.  His sincerity was genuine.  

"It's just that... with all the cutbacks, the X-files aren't deemed a viable
entity.  At least not viable enough to devote two agents full time to
them."    
 
Mulder wanted  to rage against his superior with words and thoughts
he wished to be true, but the finality of doing so with the knowledge
that the budget concerns were legitimate made him calmer than even he
expected.  
 
Scully looked up at Skinner, "Sir, what will become of us?"    
 
It was such a simple and hopeless sounding question that Skinner
pivoted towards her to reassure her that things were not as bad as he
may have led on.  

"First of all, the field agents that are being let go are being  selected due
to several factors, ..... seniority, retirement status in regards to age, and
most will come from the fifty-six field offices across the country.  It is
estimated that only fifty or so agents will be let go out of the D.C.
office."     
 
"You two are not in any jeopardy of losing your positions. Your work
on the X-Files Scully, distinguished  you."  Hearing these words were a
small comfort as her own words from long ago came back to her when  
she was still a fresh face meeting with Section Chief Blevins on a long
ago March day.  
 
"Mulder, your profiling expertise and seniority demands that you go
back to the Investigative Support Unit with  Violent Crimes.  You will
be the third highest senior agent in the department......so don't worry
about the wiretap detail."
 
This actually produced a chuckle from both Skinner and Mulder and a
bemused smile from Scully.  The tension was relieved as much as it
could be in light of the situation, but Skinner was not finished.  
 
'Here it comes,' Mulder thought.    
 
"Agents...... your specialized talents in your respective fields dictate
that you concentrate on those areas to insure the maximized benefit."    
 
A cold and indifferent way to tell partners that their time together
was ending. Had ended.  A few convoluted words strung together to
end a partnership, a marriage of hearts and minds bound in design with  
shared passion to confront the unknown.  

Scully took a sidelong glance to see Mulder still riveted by the news.  
`Which news specifically would that be,' she asked herself.  The X-files
or her.  Remembering a few desperate words said to her in a hallway,
she relived the plea over in her mind begging her to understand what she
had come to mean to him and his work.  

More to the point, his life.
 
Back to the present moment, Skinner's next words shook her from her
thoughts.  "Scully, you have a choice to make.  You can either remain
with the VCS as a field agent or report to Quantico to resume your
teaching position that you held before you came here.  I don't think I
need to tell you where I would like to see you.  Your skills would be
better suited to field status.  You have demonstrated that having a
pathologist in the field at crimes scenes can make the difference
between making or breaking a case.  If you do remain you will rotate
with other agents in order to use your talents where the  VCS sees them
best utilized."  
 
Looking her over for a minute to make sure she had digested the
information, he waited for the standard question allowing her time to
think it over.  He was prepared to give her whatever time she wanted to
make her decision.  
 
"Sir, how long do we have to wrap things up and  report to VCS?"   

This reaction from Scully prompted  Mulder to quickly glance to his
partner for the first time since this had all began.  Her mind was already
made up.  
 
Skinner too was caught a little off guard by her quick decision, but who
could blame her for not wanting to  go back to standing over corpses all
day.   At least with the VCS she could see fresh ones, he realized.
   
Suddenly repulsed at his own thoughts, "Uhhh........you  have two
weeks to follow through on any cases you have open and clear out the
basement.  It will go back  to being a auxiliary copy/supply room.   That
is assuming you accept your new positions."  Skinner's eyes focused
on Mulder who had been unusually quiet.   
 
Scully was for a moment concerned that a hasty resignation was on the
way, but Mulder looked straight-ahead seemingly as if he had not
heard a word for the last few minutes.  
 
"Mulder, this is not the end of the X-files.  They may not have its own
division, but I'm sure that strange and inexplicable cases will somehow
find their way to your desk from time to time."  
 
"Also, look at the bright side .....you won't report directly to me
anymore"     
 
Finding his trademark sense of humor just in time, " I knew there was a
reason to get up this morning."   

Despite her better judgment, Scully relented and laughed a little at one
of Mulder's dry comments, trying to ease the mood.  She didn't often
allow him the pleasure, but in an effort to relax the mood in the office,
Scully gave in to the moment.
   
The look on Skinner's face revealed a certain amount of relief and mock
injury.  Standing back up to signal their dismissal.  He paused them
before they got a chance to turn for the door.  
 
"You two also need to know.....you've been a pain in my ass over the
years ........ I'm gonna miss you guys."   The emotions of the past years
swept through the room in a fleeting instant.  The trials and tribulations
of struggle, defeat, and yes even a few victories came to the surface in a  
heartbeat.   
 
"Thank you both.  Even though you won't be reporting to me, you
know if you ever need a friend to talk to .....  I would be honored if you
would think of me."    
 
Mulder nodded and looked at Scully.  "Come on partner, we've got
some work to do."  

It was in that instant that the word partner seemed to take on a greater
meaning.  Knowing full well that the "official" status of being partners
was coming to an end, they both soon discovered the word `partner' was
the only description that they had formally used to hang on this
complex, yet rewarding relationship.    
 
Exiting the office, they walked to the elevator in silence.  The gravity
of the past hour's implications on their futures made the air heavy.  As
they both entered the car and the basement level was selected, they
both avoided eye contact and nothing was said.  Not much could be  
said now.  
 
Living on borrowed time since day one, the pair of rogue FBI agents
descended in silence to the basement which had been their home for so
long.  Mulder's reaction to the news was somewhat surprising to Scully.  
She was expecting disbelief, fury, and a possible curse word or two  
towards Skinner.  Shock would have even been something for her to
hold onto, but this time he seemed different.  
 
Mulder's exterior was cool, almost relieved as if a burden had been
lifted.  Or was it the ax that had dropped on his neck? After the events
of the past few years, and for that matter, over the years he had
mellowed a bit.  He was not as withdrawn or antagonistic towards
others.  He was actually respectful to the point of nice on occasion.  She
had seen the journey transform him into a man of incredible depth even
when all he could think of was how shallow his life had become.  

He was still the obsessive, workaholic, insensitive egomaniac that drove
her to madness, but over time they had been able to read each other a
little better and adjust to each others rhythms.  
 
"Mulder,......I don't know what to say.....how....what..."  Scully
stammered a bit as she unlocked the office.
 
They walked in and Mulder took his place behind his desk while   
Scully sat in her chair in front of it as always.  She looked at him and he
looked knowingly into her eyes.  The silence was comfortable and a
conversation took place between them that no one else could hear.  
 
"Mulder?"  
 
"I don't know........... Scully,"  with a low, almost barely audible voice.  
"I know I should be angry......but somehow .........I knew this would
happen all along.  As soon as Matheson lost his seat, I pretty much
knew that my pull would not be strong enough to keep this division
under the restructuring."  Mulder held his head in his hands willing the
recently acquired headache to vanish while rubbing his temples.  
 
"You really have come a long way, haven't you?"  
 
Devoid of any implications or forethought, "It seems we've all changed
a bit."
 
Mulder bit off a chuckle conveying his disbelief at the circumstances   
in which the X-files were ending.  "This is typical...... in the end,
 money?"  
 
Looking down towards her lap, Scully studied her hands.  
 
An awkward silence surrounded the office and turned time into a slower
form of its usual self.   Mulder leaned forward with his chin resting on
his thumbs while his fingers interlocked.  
 
"Scully, I........" Mulder hesitated to continue and closed his eyes
searching for what he was going to say.  His numbness had barely
evaporated from the previous hours events. The beginnings of the
magnitude with such certain finality just starting to make its way into
his consciousness, the look on his face almost born of despair while the
glistening of his eyes said more than any thing he could have said with
words.   How could all of the years be summed up in words?

Sometimes there were no words.  
 
Seeing the evolution of his misery begin, Scully turned her head to the
side a little faster than she intended and stared off distantly.   The
emotions she felt were not readily definable.  Putting her in a position
that she was not usually in, she was speechless.  Deciding to concentrate
on her sweaty palms as they rest in her lap she didn't see it coming.    
 
A clattering of pencils flying towards the file cabinets followed by the
desk lamp hurtling against the far wall in what was known as 'her' area
jarred her back from the jumble of thoughts racing in her head.  Before
the  metal and glass instrument of frustration could hit the ground a
shouting curse towards the heavens made her jump.  It had taken him a
little longer than she expected, but he was finally unraveling.  
 
Out of control, beyond that which he usually held onto, Mulder found a
stapler and heaved it too, watching it explode into five or six broken
pieces of plastic, rubber, and metal.  No words, just idle destruction of
everyday mindless objects.  

Still not satisfied he picked up the perceived bane of his lonely
existence.  His picture of him and Samantha leaning against a tree in
what was  their childhood front yard.   
 
Frightened and now disgusted at his outrage, Scully watched in horror
as the metaphorical piece of evidence was about to join the other
remnants of broken dreams and promises unfulfilled.    
 
Briefly looking at his own intentions, Mulder moved his arm backwards
in preparation for the final assault to his all but short-lived world.    
 
"NO!"  Scully grabbed the frame in his hand and played a smaller
version of tug of war with him for it.    
 
"Stop, Mulder.... please... stop."  Her voice cracking in a muffled plea
for him to calm down.  
 
Letting go, Mulder slumped back down into his worn leather chair,
defeated by his own better judgment and his partner.  `Weren't they the
same,' he once asked himself.  
 
"It's not going to solve anything,  Mulder.   It's over.  There is nothing
we can do about it this time."  
 
Wanting desperately to reach out and comfort him, she was still wary,
afraid his tantrum was not over.   Mulder would never do anything
purposely to hurt her, but intentions, no matter how good, usually fell  
back in defeat to base emotions.  
 
The picture frame still in her hand, she wouldn't dare place it back on his
desk no matter how much trust she had for him.  It would go with her if
it had to.  The symbolic picture standing for the very reason that Scully  
had followed Mulder all those years.  Samantha had brought them
together in design and was now slowly splintering them apart.  

Since the revelation that his father had staged her abduction in order to  
protect her and humanity, the hatred and beliefs he had been holding to
about his father were crumbling in an all too confusing way.  It had all
made sense and then it had destroyed what he had sought for so long.   
Finding out his life had been designed to uncover the project, while his
sister was at the heart of it, trying to preserve it and the human race....
two opposing forces in search for the same result.    
 
His hands covering his face, Mulder wiped his eyes of the resilient tears
that he was too tired to shed  anymore.  Trying to break the gloomy
mood.  "I never even got you that desk."  
 
Relieved at first to hear this calmer voice, Scully's eyes widened at the
dreary words of her partner.  
 
"I promised myself, one day....... you would walk in and be shocked as
hell."  
 
Her eyes closed, she shook her head back and forth teasingly in
disbelief of his empty promise.  
 
Getting up, he came around to kneel in front of her chair.  "I'm sorry... I
didn't mean to... lose it there..."

Cautiously looking back to him, she listened to him continue.  "Scully,
you're on your way to the top now and no one will be able to stand in
your way ..your time has come."  
 
Sensing that he was referring to himself, "Mulder, you have never stood
in my way and if I do make it to the top, it could only be because you
led me there."    Deeply touched, Mulder was dumbfounded    
 
Mulder sat on the front edge of his desk and Scully sat back in the
chair.  A nod of the head coupled with a sad frown was all he could
come up with.  Returning to his seat he opened the file on his desk and
did  nothing but stare at the spectacle of words that filled the page, lost
in the events of the past hour.  
 
 
*************  
 
The air in the small basement office cleared a little, but no much more
would be said.  Nothing could be said, at least not yet.  Lunch was at a
small corner deli-cafe down the street.  A little too fancy for Mulder's
taste, but he could always find something while Scully tap-danced with
her usual offering.  
   
The unlikely tranquillity of the walk down the block to the small cafe
was telling more than words.  Scully, lost again in herself flinched at his
sudden words.  The first she had heard from him in almost two hours.  
"I never asked you why you wanted to stay in the field rather than  
teach."    
 
Making sure it was him that had asked, she considered her quick
decision again, knowing in her heart what  was true.  

"Well, after teaching for two years and that time back while the X-files
were shut down, after all we've seen and done... it just doesn't seem very
appealing anymore.  With the budget cuts, it would probably get worse
and the classes would get fewer and far between.  I enjoy solving cases,
finding answers to things that matter.....you taught me that."  
 
Looking off into the sea of happier people milling around the small
restaurant, "Things that really matter?"  
 
"Mulder, you're speaking like you're not going to be here anymore........
what are YOU going to do?"  
 
"Actually, .....I don't know.  I don't know if I want to go back to that
world.  I don't know if I can survive another tour of duty in there."  
Mulder suddenly shivered at the thought as his physical appearance  
darkened with the thought of 'serial monsters' as he had once called
them.  
 
Scully could see the doubts raging in his darkened eyes.  "I hope you'll
... stay for a little while at least.  I  mean...give it another chance...maybe
it won't be as bad this time."  
 
Mulder scoffed, "Yeah, it'll be worse.  Every time you go in Scully, you
seem to go a little deeper, until one day... your life.... what little life you
have is stolen from you..... then what will I have left?"  
 
Scully slowly raised her eyes to meet his again, "You'll have your
career..." trying to think quickly as she thought about all he had lost
over the years along with what he had just lost this morning, "you'll still
have me."  The last words were spoken softly and with a determination
that Scully usually saved for the scientific points of contention in her
usual battles with Mulder.  
 
In a small, and confusingly, honest voice, Mulder held their gaze, "Will
I?"   
 
Scully and Mulder spent the remainder of their walk back to the Hoover
building in quiet contemplation of those two words.  
 
 
**************  
 
 
 
The day she feared would come had. With the end of the X-files also
came an end to the partnership with Mulder.  Over the years they had
seen a lot, supported each other strongly, and persevered through the
tumultuous obstacles thrown at them.  Together they had fought  
against the enemies valiantly and more times than not came out better
than they could have prayed for.  Yes, they had sacrificed too much.  
Yes, they had endured more than anyone should have.  No, as she told  
Mulder one time, she wouldn't change a day...... except for this day.  
The day she was told that their time was over.  
 
Apart is where their professional future now lay. She saw in his eyes
today that same fear.  A fear that she had seen in his eyes before, but
not this kind.  Scully knew the her feelings for Mulder ran deep as well
as his did in return.  Deeper than she could have ever imagined.
 
Although they didn't talk about themselves very much, it was like a
game they played,  knowing that if they put an energy into
understanding what they were, what they had come to mean to each
other, it might take some of the invisible glue off what held them
together so tightly.  A subject rarely broached, but often wondered
about. Today, Scully felt the glue straining.  
 
Once more they would walk down the path of change, however this
time apart.  The partnership so full of trust and respect, silently a
touchstone for each other during their time.  One holding onto the other
for the reserves of support that they so often took from the other.  
Never having to ask, afraid to admit it.      
 
The next few weeks would be an unbearable torture as the two would
involuntarily be forced into their own memories of shared time together.  
As partners they had been through so much that remembering  
everything was impossible.  

Incredible.  

Unimaginable.

Unthinkable.
 
Scully's relationship with Mulder had been the most influential one in
her life to date, barring her parents of course, but where they would go
from here was what ultimately scared her the most.  She needed his
direction and she wanted his guidance just as she had once followed
her father's back to him, merely supported by the strength of his beliefs.

 
************  
 
X-Files office  
Friday, March 6   
5:30 PM  
 
The two weeks passed by at faster rate than both of them would have
liked and Friday evening saw them packing up the last of their personal
belongings that would be transferred to their new areas, desks, offices  
or whatever lay ahead.     
 
The walls were bare and the basement had not looked this tidy since it
was remodeled after the fire.  The nameplates from the door were gone
along with the computer,  credenza, and most of the filing cabinets.  The
mood was somber, reflective, yet positive. The steps towards a new
career path were only minutes away and time yielded itself to their
moods.  
 
"We've come a long way Mulder..."  
 
Looking around at what had been his home for so long, he looked back
to Scully.  "We sure did.."  
 
The moment that both had dreaded was now upon them.  The end had
officially come to pass a little over thirty minutes ago.  Scully fidgeting
around with her things, tried to find something to keep her hands busy  
with while Mulder finished his silent vigil.   
 
Mulder could sense her uneasiness as well as his own.  He put his last
box of personal effects on what used to be his desk, their desk.  With
his back turned to her, he breathed deeply wanting to wake up from this
nightmare knowing it wouldn't happen, not this time.  
 
"Scully?"  He said slightly louder than a whisper. Turning around to
face each other at the same time, a  resounding impression of finality
hung in the air.  

"I guess a simple `thank you' wouldn't be enough, would it?"  
 
Classic Scully, she looked up with a questioning look.  Holding silent
she wasn't sure what she wanted to say or even what she thought he
would want to hear.  
 
Smiling through her concern for him, "It's enough to hear you ask,
Mulder."  
 
Their eyes meeting and locking onto one another's, like so many times
before, Mulder forced himself to smile as best he could.  Closing the
distance, Scully hesitantly wrapped her arms around Mulder as he
returned the embrace.  

For several minutes they stood there in silence letting the emotions that
had been unbearably building up the past two weeks, drain.  No words
could be spoken when they were already saying so much together in  
each other's arms.  
 
Releasing a few minutes later, Scully looked up to him while she kept
one arm loosely around his waist.   "I enjoyed it, you know?  All these
years..... you've taught me so much... about life....about who I am..."  A
single tear escaped.  
 
Shaking his head slowly, he caught the tear with his thumb.  "No.. I
think it was you that taught me a few things."  
 
Smiling through the pain, Scully tiptoed up and kissed his cheek while
whispering to him.  "Never forget the good times, Mulder."  
 
Pulling her in, Mulder held Scully tighter than he ever had.  "I won't,
Scully... I won't."  

Leaning back they just stared into each other.  The seconds flowing by
as they held onto a look that said so much.

With a small amount of hesitation, as if it were the most natural
every day occurrence between these old friends, Mulder gently pressed
his lips to hers in a warm kiss lasting only a little longer than considered
partnerly.  

The idea of Mulder kissing her having been rationalized a long time ago,
Scully returned the kiss just as he began to pull away.  A few seconds
more of what might have been.  

What still might be.  

At least now, could be.
 
Pulling back to see the surprise and smile on Scully's face, Mulder
couldn't help himself.  "I knew we would get that right one day."  
 
Softly chuckling at Mulder's intrinsic ability to create humor out of
everything, "Well, it's about time."  
 
Reaching around and grabbing their coats, they both looked around the
office one more time.  As he flipped  the light off she peered up into his
eyes looking for some of his direction that they usually held.  Mulder
closed the door and slid the two keys in an envelope under the  
doorway for maintenance to find.  
 
Pointing to his watch, Mulder stared to her as if she were a new case
file. "Could be an X-File you know?"  
 
"Mulder....after what I've seen there are no reasons to believe that the
correlation between today's date and ........"  With a sudden change in
her voice and demeanor she suddenly snapped out of 'scientist' mode,  
"You know what Mulder?  For once I'm going to agree with you.  Just
to prove that miracles do happen."  
 
Throwing his head back with a rather loud laugh, "Oh, Scully,  please
don't tell me you're going soft on me now."    
 
She smirked and joined in, smiling brightly as they walked up the stairs
together.  "Maybe you should have tried kissing me sooner, Mulder."  
 
Walking up the stairs, Mulder could be heard, trailing off.  "I seem to
recall trying that once...."  
 

*************


The laughter faded as the walk to the parking deck became
painstakingly slow.  The closer they got to their cars, the closer the end
was coming.  Realization was sinking in with each foot that was put in
front of the other.   Memories of times gone by could not be overlooked
as they walked up this stairwell for the last time.  

They were different. A little older, a little wiser, some would say worn
down by the events of what they had been through. They had survived
and thrived by themselves, but most importantly for themselves.  They
had, until this point only each other to depend on.  
 
Approaching their cars, Scully hesitated at first,  "So.......where do we
go now?"  

With their partnership terminated, the focus of this question bored to
the heart of the matter.  
 
Mulder, solemn in his response, "I  guess ...we move on."  

Looking over to her with a tight smile, he wanted desperately to forget
the past week. Losing the X-files was killing him inside, if not for the
work itself, but for the experiences that it had brought  him and the
savior that it delivered into his dark life.  
 
As she watched him pull away only the whisper of a voice could be
heard, "Good-bye, Mulder."  
 
 
*************  
 
 
It was interesting how life threw that curve ball just when you didn't
want it. Mulder's time in the X-files and especially with Scully had been
hard, but rewarding in a  distorted way.  The answers he so desperately
craved, he had found to his own horror.  He was now more certain than
ever, that without Scully, he would still be searching.  Searching in vain
for his elusive truths,  trying to recapture something so far gone that it
made perverse sense that he should continue to look for the answers.  
Scully made him work for those answers and even when he strayed she
was there to guide him back to the goal.    
 
How his goals became hers was both tragedy and a blessing.  She never
once openly blamed Mulder for her  abduction and the resulting
misfortunes that came about.  She did her best to hide it from him
because she chose to follow his path, but deep down Mulder  
knew she held some doubt as to whether her decision to continue with
him was wise.  Every once in a while he could see it in her eyes.    
 
Mulder couldn't help but parallel the events of the past two weeks to
the time before when the Justice Department ordered reassignment after
the office was burned.  Maybe Salt Lake City would not have been so
bad, he strangely thought to himself.  It wasn't enough they  
take away his work, they had to destroy it.  Those next few weeks and
months they survived and were able to continue overcoming obstacles
never imagined in the worst science fiction movie ever made.  Together,  
alone.  
 
Now that they were separated again professionally, Mulder couldn't
help wondering what is in store in the future.  It was not like before,
when it was the evil doings of the shadowy men they constantly fought
against.  This time it is even more real... final.  Hating  himself
sometimes for feeling so strongly about Scully, it didn't seem fair that
someone like her came into his life and sacrificed so much for him and
his cause.

Knowing full well  that it became her cause as well, he wanted only the
best for her.  So pure of heart and committed to the higher road, he felt
sure he would never meet another soul so giving and compassionate.  
 
Remembering her in his arms a few short  hours before, he too felt her
slipping away.  Not physically, but within the confines of the unknown
future which now lay ahead. As they clung to each other and in a sense  
to their own past, he remembered feeling her heartbeat, wondering if he
would ever be able to feel it again.  
 
 
 


[Definitions]  


 
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Monday, March 9   
8:48 AM
 
 
Monday morning at the Bureau was unlike most Monday mornings for a
lot of reasons. An air of change radiated throughout building.  Not only
were people rearranging furniture, introducing themselves formally to
new colleagues, and generally causing havoc, they were getting
absolutely no work done at all.   Some areas of the newly defined VCS
were edgy, some were loud and obnoxious, and some were deathly
quiet.   Cliques were forming as each other tried to figure how to keep
some semblance of the old while learning to adjust to the new.    
 
To say Mulder was apprehensive to return to his old stomping grounds
was a bit of an understatement.  There were people in here that had  
discredited him for years, hated his success, and thought of him as
'spooky.'  Depending on how the term was used and by who, it could be
a term of endearment or a shove to the gut.   Mulder had a high
tolerance that had built up over the last eight or nine years, but it didn't
mean he could put it out of his mind.  Office politics had never been his
strong suit , nor did he have any desire to learn.  He was a maverick, he
knew it and he liked it.  His mantra of  "as long as it's the truth" had
never won him friends or loyalties, but aside from Scully he could care
less.  
 
Mulder was busy unpacking a what few things he could bring with him.  
His desk was the same as his old one but located out in the bullpen with
the other agent's desks.   It was also adjacent the main conference  
room, signifying his senior status, but only ASACs got their own
offices.    
 
"Hello stranger," came a familiar voice.  Mulder looked up from his
framed picture of his sister Samantha to see Scully approaching.  
 
"Scully.... you ready for this?"  

Looking around and gesturing with his hand he gave her a wary
expression.  He was also feeling something different.  Hitting him in the
jaw, like a fist, it really hit home in that instant that new parameters
were being set, new definitions being chartered.  She would not be
sticking around to listen to his latest ramblings or debate his theories on
some arcane case he had found in some section's garbage pile.  
 
"I don't know, I guess we'll find out.  The section meeting should be
entertaining."  
 
Not able to meet her eye to eye he muttered, "We'll be all right.....so
where is your desk?"  Mulder had taken notice of the box she had set
down on his desk while on her way to find hers.    
 
A slight difference in his usual banter was noted silently, "I...uh...
believe it is that one over there," she said pointing to an empty desk
about twenty yards away.  It was facing Mulder's and was next to a
water fountain.    
 
"Ahhh... you got my old fountain desk I see."  Mulder could sense an
uneasiness and tried to lighten the  mood.

"For a period of about two years, this office was very parched....they
stayed away from  "Spooky".  However, I must admit that was during
my younger and wilder days."  
 
"Wilder.....?"  Scully said with a look that classified this as
unbelievable and possibly unfathomable prospect.  
 
"Don't worry, Scully, I have a feeling the fountain will be much busier
these days."     
 
Just as she was about to reply, a voice from the past interrupted them.
"So look who's here......if it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Spooky.   Have any close
encounters lately? Oh.....sorry, that division was shut down.  It looks
like you're back to playing with the grownups now."  
 
Agent Fuller was dripping sarcasm and a smugness that could have
mistaken him as royalty if he were in the right country.  Mulder sighed
and rolled his eyes, doing his best to keep his outward appearance from
revealing his desire to choke him to an early grave.  Before he could  
respond, Scully beat him to it.  
 
"Fuller, lets get a few things straight now that we're here.  I don't like
you.  Mulder doesn't like you... So do us a huge favor and get lost!"  

By this time her voice had grown louder while the bulk of people in the
bullpen area grew more quiet taking notice of this conversation.  It
seemed as though they were just as interested to see the results of this
ice-breaking exchange as the participants.  Mulder was smoldering
towards Fuller, daring for him to try and make a comeback.    
 
Fuller slithered off mumbling a few obscenities.  

"Damn, Scully....I can't take you anywhere."  

She grinned up at Mulder and felt a tinge of embarrassment for saying
what she had like that, but she felt that this was kind of good to get it
out of the way.  And for an instant the old team of Mulder and Scully
was back.   
 
Sticking up for one another brought back a familiar sense of
camaraderie.  Maybe people would get over her and Mulder being
among the other agents like regulars.  "He's still pissed about your
senior status over him,  Mulder."  
 
Looking hurt, "I think that's the first time a woman has ever defended
my honor, Scully"     
 
"How easily you forget, but if you want to take me some place safer you
might want to invite me to lunch today........ and we'll call it even?"  
 
Mulder didn't quite know what to make of her offer.  Or was it his?

"Yeah.....uh....the orientation meetings will be over by 12:30, I'll meet
you at your desk at...say 12:45...that okay?"  Mulder pulled out his chair
and looked towards the picture on his desk.  Falling back into their
uneasiness, he looked up and offered a weakened half-smile.  
 
"I'll see you then........stay out of trouble,"  she said in trying her best to
quell her suspicions.  
 
Unable to attend their lunch as planned, Mulder left her a note telling
her he was tied up in meetings.   Scully was disappointed, but
understanding.  She wondered if it were such a good idea to push
things.   She had sensed a small change and wondered if the new
setting was throwing Mulder off.  They both had new duties and
responsibilities to take care of.  Things would get better.
 
*************  
 
 
The days passed as they both settled in their new positions.  The
restructuring went better than the Bureau had hoped for, with the
exception of a few minor logistical concerns.   Mulder was spending
most of his time working on missing persons cases, while Scully rotated
to wherever pathology was crucial.   She traveled a bit more than
Mulder but overall less than she used to with the X-Files.   The budget
cuts saw to that and with the advent of technology, more and more
cases were referred to the VCS through electronic means. Expense
reports were incredibly detailed now and required a receipt for   
everything.  Every hotel, gas fill-up, meal and cab-ride were
documented.  
 
The conventions of their relationship were changing and the
uneasiness they experienced that first day in the bullpen continued.
When they were together as partners, it was enough that they were
together and enjoying each other's company, most of the time.   They
relied on one another for companionship and some of the things they
had missed in what other people called normal lives.   Somehow
that made the lack of a social life not seem as important, but now they
were working with other people and rarely saw each other.

Other than a few consults on a case here or there and a passing "hey"
in the bullpen that was it.  They both made eye-contact, when possible,
that told each other they were okay or a typical "I'm fine", but the lack
of being together was literally pulling them apart.     
 
 
*************  
 
Annapolis, Maryland
Dana Scully's Apartment  
Thursday, March 28  
10:14 PM  
 
The soft strings of a violin playing from a stereo in her bedroom draped
the apartment in a peaceful and  relaxed mood.  Sitting at her desk,
Scully was rereading the same file for the third time, having difficulty  
concentrating.  
 
Pulling one leg up under the other, she let her mind drift with the solo
section from a piece of classical music she liked to listen to when given  
the chance.  It was a refreshing pastime she enjoyed when not worrying
about Mulder and sometimes while at work, when it found its way home
with her.  Flowing with the piano that had chimed in, she considered the
quiet nature of her apartment.  

Luckily, she had moved into a place that was full of young professionals
that were usually as busy as her.  Apart from the  sounds of a creaking
floorboard or two from the guy that lived upstairs, her place was
peaceful.  In fact, the only time she heard from her neighbors was
usually when it involved her and the police.  What a depressing
thought.  
 
Why was it so quiet here, lately?  No insistent phones ringing, not
many messages being left on her machine.    
 
As that last thought entered her mind, the phone sitting next to her on
the desk did ring.  Blaring loudly into the tranquil apartment, she stared
at it, amazed at the coincidence.  
 
"Scully."  
 
"Hey!  It's me... Mulder"  
 
She had never thought about it consciously, their strange way of
conversing with each other on the phone until he had mentioned his
name just then.  What once held an intrinsic air of comfort now
was full of the unknown.
 
"Mulder?"  
 
"Yeah, you remember me.  Tall, dark, 'Spooky'?"  
 
"Mulder.... I know, it's just been a while."  
 
"So, I'm out of your hair for three weeks and you forget me?"  He
offered, teasing.  
 
"No, it's just..... what's wrong, Mulder?"  
 
A brief silence on the line, "Nothing......I just...."  

He paused again, "Does something have to be wrong for me to give
you a call?"  
 
"No, but it never stopped you before."  Wishing she hadn't said it so
coolly, she thought she detected a bit of hurt in his voice.  
 
Another agonizing silence.

"Just calling to say hello, I guess.  I haven't heard from you in a while.
Wondering how you were settling in."     
 
Staring at her phone as if it had landed from another planet, she
wondered if this was the same Mulder she had worked with. Always to
the extreme.  Either overly concerned or completely oblivious to her at
all sometimes.  

"Oh. Sorry, I've just been busy.  You know, with all the reorganization.  
I've been working with a lot of different people, trying to get used to it."  
 
"I... I figured as much."  
 
An unlikely moment of awkwardness pervaded through the phone line,
each in search of  something to say.  
 
"I'll let you go, Scully.  I just wanted to say hi."  
 
Letting the smallest glimmer of a smile tug at her lips, she wondered
when her partner would ever stop revealing new sides to his
personality.  "It's okay.  I was just vegetating here anyway."  
 
Despite her best senses telling her not to ask, she couldn't help herself.  
"You sure you're okay?"  
 
Miffed at her repeated question.  "Yeah.... I'm great."  
 
"Since, you know, Mulder.....just because we're not partners anymore.  
That doesn't mean you can't call me."  
 
"That's what I thought I was doing."  His witty retort falling short of its
mark took on a whole different meaning.  

Trying to recover, "I know, Scully.  I hope you're aware the same goes
for you ."  
 
"Anytime, anywhere?"  
 
"Anytime, anywhere, Scully"  
 
A few moments later, after hanging up, Mulder too stared at his phone
as if he wasn't sure he was talking to the person he had called his
partner all those years.  

She sounded different.  Distant.  

The times together in the office debating points of logic.  Removed.  

The trips to various places all over the country.  Detached.  

Feeling bad because he hadn't called her sooner, he now felt worse.  
The constant debate had raged in his mind after his first five days
without seeing or hearing from her.  

Mulder didn't want to call her for no reason, but as the days wore on he
bounced between calling her and not calling.   With each day crept by,
his mind played further tricks on him.  Should he call her and hear her
ask why she hadn't heard from him?  `No, she would never do that.'  
Yet, as time slipped on each day compounded his problem until he had
gotten sick of it all.  

Then look what happened.  `Maybe I'll take her out some place nice.  
She never did collect on that bet from the last case,' Mulder thought to
himself.  We'll be back to ourselves then.
 
Trying to put it out of his mind, Mulder found his remote and hit the
play button again.  
 

*************


Four weeks had passed since the phone call.  Each sub-consciously
aware of the strained voice at the other end waiting for a crumb to grasp
onto.  Mulder would rethink his actions and debate over his wisdom in
seeking the contact, but knew that something was not the same.  Not
quite right.  Some underlying voice of tension reaching between the two
to extinguish the desire to say or do something to get it all back, fearing
that whatever was said might be construed as inappropriate  


The Tavern Inn
Friday, April 23
9:12 PM

Looking down to check her watch, Scully suddenly wondered seriously
about the chances of re-opening the X-files.  If for no other reason than
to open a file on her current dinner companion and date.
 
Out of nowhere, he had called up like a long lost friend.   When had he
become so bold?  He had always been a confident man, but she had no
idea he might pursue her in this manner.  At least not this soon.  Their
first date the previous Friday night had been awkward at first, but she
had gone willingly to fulfill her end of the deal.  For as long as she had
known him it was, she thought, to be expected of course.  He was a
loner and dealing with new surroundings.

What was more disturbing was how much she enjoyed seeing her friend
in this light.  He had been a total gentleman, which she expected.  He
had been funny, which she knew and remembered fondly.  He had even
picked up the check.  The liberated woman inside overlooked that last
comment from her conscience.  

Comparing this night to the one a week ago, however, she saw a
complete transformation.  The constant bombardment of questions,
both personal and professional.  Why was he so interested now?    The
eyes she knew so well were fixated.  

Her dress.  

Her face.  

Her hair.

Her chest.

After listening to him rattle on about some encounter he had endured at
work, Scully watched in horror as he ever so slowly slid around the
corner booth to move in closer.  `Where is his hand going?'

`Oh my God.'

Scully watched in disbelief as her `date' placed his hand on her knee,
slowly working its way towards her thigh.  Her sudden arousal was
surprising if not totally exciting.   The touch of a man on her body in
this way felt almost alien it had been so long.

Another look to her companion and she knew this possibility was the
most extreme they had ever considered.


 
*************  
 
 
New York City  
Manhattan Borough  
11:07 PM  
 
Sitting back in his chair a fair haired man, slightly younger looking than
his age would let on, eased his hand of the television remote.  Engulfed
at the sight of the man before him, he saw his dreams mirrored in the
man's eyes just as he heard them in his voice.  The man on the screen
was a solid twenty years his junior and had spent a great deal of time   
in the media spotlight just as himself recently, only to find the younger
man thrust into a position he was unwilling to assume or desire.  
 
Noticing his full head of hair, an angelic smile that most Hollywood
agents would kill for and a distinct southern dialect in his voice,  a pang
of jealousy coursed through him, overtaking his senses in a frightenly
aggressive manner.    
 
Years of government service, grooming his own persona for the
ultimate prize, the silver haired gentleman threw the plastic encased
device that would change channels at the wall, apathetic at the
consequences.   

Creeping up on him intensely, rage was the next emotion to overtake his
thoughts as he considered the potential loss of what he had worked so
hard for, only to have it dangled in front of the face of an opponent so
easily.  
 
Picking up the phone, he dialed a longer series of numbers than usual.  
Waiting for the other end of a mobile phone to pick up, he anxiously
waited with the ideas to a plan already formulating in his mind.  
 
The game he had played for years was suddenly full of passive people,
seemingly willing to take what was given to them, unaware that the
dangerous, ever changing sport was only won by pro-actively
searching out your prey and destroying it, no matter the cost.   
 
 
*************  
 
 
 
Dana Scully's Apartment  
Saturday, April 24  
3:57 AM  
 

Out of a nightmareless and sound sleep he awoke on his couch to one
thought and one name only.  'Scully.'   Her name wouldn't stop running
through his mind over and over again until he had gotten dressed and
driven the thirty or so minutes to her place.   

`Maybe I should apologize.  I've treated her like crap since we've been
apart.'
 
Standing outside her apartment with his key inches from the door, he
debated over whether or not to follow his instincts.  Pulling back his
hand for the third time, he stared at the numbers on her apartment door.  
Thirty-five.  Two elegant, black painted numbers.  Some Roman type
font he thought to himself.  How appropriate.

His instincts had never led him wrong before, well, almost never he
corrected himself.

Now or never.

He gently inserted the key and turned it until he felt the latch release.  
This was a step beyond all the personal boundaries they had ever set
while being partners.  Forget professional.  Risking bodily harm as well
as a bruised ego for this little stunt, Mulder couldn't stop himself.  
 
He slowly walked to her bedroom door and peeked in.  Under the
covers, pulled up to her nose, he found the reason he had come.  A
flickering light dancing along the walls revealed a small scented candle
held by a smaller glass container making Mulder question how well he
really knew the current resident.  Vanilla maybe. He stood in the
doorway just watching, studying.

Turned towards her window and him, the covers came up to her nose.  
An almost imperceptible rise and fall of the comforter to her side
calmed his nerves.  The flickering candle strobed a little more, mindful
of the new currents of air swirling in the bedroom since he had cracked
the door open.

A few articles of clothing were scattered along side her robe in the chair
next to the window.  A pair of black, maybe navy blue, slacks along
with a beige sweater.  A V-neck no less.  `Scully-wear' he humorously
thought to himself.   The essence of her casual wear.  Was that a man's
coat around the back of the chair?

The candle.

The coat.

The sweater.

Slacks?

`Oh...shit..... she's not alone....'

His heart caught in his throat for a second, he quickly looked back to
the mass of covers and strained his neck to see if the massive comforter
was hiding someone else.  Naturally he had assumed she was alone.  
 
Mortified to have snuck in on his partner while in bed with someone, he
quickly decided he had indeed made a mistake.  

`Maybe in more ways than one,' he thought to himself painfully.

As he turned to leave he heard her rustling under the covers.  In a
sleepy almost pathetic sounding voice,  "M-Mulder,  is that you?"  
 
"Oomph!  Yeah... it's me."    Feeling skittish at the sound of her voice,
he tripped on her bureau.
 
He couldn't explain it away now as a dream, like he had planned, if later
asked about his early morning stroll.  He walked slowly, almost
tentatively over to her bed as she sat up, flipping on the light next to
herself on the nightstand looking a little frightened.  

The light she awakened suddenly filled the room.  His eyes betrayed his
better instincts and went directly over her figure to see who she was
with.  
 
Nothing.

Empty.

Scully, alone in bed.  The waves of relief filling his mind, he forgot the
hour, momentarily.

"What the hell is going on, Mulder?"

"S-sorry, didn't mean to scare you."  
 
Alarmed and slightly irritated, "What are you doing here?  What's
wrong?"  
 
Shaking his head from side to side, slowly, "Nothing Scully.....nothing's
wrong.... I uhh....just....."  She could barely make out his final words.  

"We caught a serial kidnapper who specialized in taking young
girls........ anywhere from six to ten years old............. they were all
dead."  
 
Scooting over towards the center of the bed, she patted the edge of the
bed and silently motioned for him to sit down so she could look at him
at somewhere close to eye-level.  Suspecting he had been battling
another nightmare she studied his features looking for that haunted
look that usually accompanied them.  It was there just like she
suspected, although this time it was a little different looking.  

"Mulder, why do you do this to yourself?  Going after every missing
child that fits the same profile as your sister's....."  
 
The last remark made Mulder jump, realizing she had recognized his
recent choice of cases.  Continuing to shake his head, "I don't know...I
know we're not partners anymore..."    
 
Sliding her hand out from under the covers, she found his.  Gently
squeezing, "Mulder, we ARE partners.."

Unable to hold her gaze for too long, Mulder turned his head in an
effort to steady himself.   The chair again.  Her clothes again.  Her
sweater, her slacks and that navy blue blazer she like to wear on
occasion.

"Mulder.... are you sure you're okay?  It's not like you to sneak into my
apartment and watch me sleep.... is it?"  She looked at him with a fear of
this not being the first time.  

Allowing for a moment of levity, "I know I said anytime, anywhere, but
this wasn't exactly what I had in mind," she said with a hint of teasing in
her voice.  

"What's with the candle," Mulder asked, oblivious to her last words.

Shaking her head at his inane question.  "I was reading a book..... it
helps me concentrate.... you know...... sets the mood."

On cue, Scully reached under the comforter and pulled out a thick
hardcover book.  The clear plastic dustcover revealed its origin.  A
library.  Scully at home on a Friday night, reading a book she checked
out from the local library.  How very Scully.

"Lucky book," Mulder said without thinking.  
 
Scully looked at him curiously.  Her forehead scrunched up in an
attempt to understand his strange remark.  "Really, Mulder.... what's
this about?"

Their eyes catching hold, Mulder couldn't keep the look.
 
"I...uhhh.. guess this means we should give our keys back?"  Mulder
said in a reproachful voice.  
 
Smiling gently at him, "No....I wouldn't say that.  That would mean I
wouldn't be able to repay the favor of waking YOU up at four in the
morning sometime."    
 
Feeling slightly better,  she always knew how to bring him back.   A few
awkward seconds passed by.  

"I better be going."   He watched her slip back down onto the pillows
while she studied him the whole time, like she would do one of her
autopsy subjects.  

"Go back to sleep, Scully."  
 
He rose to his feet, flipped off the light and had just reached the door
when he heard her again.  "Mulder?"  
 
This time he couldn't bear to look around.  In a voice that betrayed his
calm exterior he was only able to mutter out, "I'm sorry, I just had to
see you ......"   
 
Not being able to form the words that he had been wanting to say,
Mulder slipped back into the night, beating himself up for waking Scully
and firmly ingraining himself into his 'Spooky' nickname.  Finding his car
had a remote amount of heat left in it, he replayed the last several
minutes with Scully.  It was a totally irrational, he knew.  He   
only hoped Scully wouldn't be too freaked by it.     
 
Mulder pulled his car back onto the highway and journeyed south
headed for home while thoughts of the past case flew through his mind.  
Trying to figure out why he was so driven to see her.  The sight of her
had merely calmed him and his fears.   

`What was I afraid of,' he asked himself.    
      

 
*************  
 
 
Awakening the next morning, Scully bolted up into a sitting position
trying to recall the events of just a few hours before.  Seeing her
bedroom door cracked open more than she usually left it, it all came
back in a flash.  She had awoken in the middle of the night to a tall
figure standing in her doorway.  

Instinctively, Scully would have reached for her gun if she hadn't
instantly recognized the stature of Mulder peering into the bedroom.
After that incredibly horrible disaster of a second date with Bill's friend
Mike, the guy who wanted to be J. Edgar Jr.,  she almost thought it was
him for a moment.   He had been so forward.  Too much, too soon.

Scully shivered at the memory of how his hand had crept higher up her
thigh with no sign of stopping until she had punched him in the ribs.

Bill's friend Mike Jarvis, who she used to call one of her own, had just
moved into the area after leaving the Navy.   A long time friend of her
brother's, she also held him in that same brotherly regard, making his
actions revoltingly inappropriate and unwanted.
 
Her first thought was for Mulder, rather than herself.  He had never
entered her apartment, let alone the bedroom in a non emergency
situation without  knowledge or understanding.  Even though he said it
was nothing, maybe it was more important than he led on.
 
As close as they had ever been, it was an incredibly intimate moment
between the two former partners.  Intimate in a way that could only be
understood by two that had shared so much. The urge to draw him into
her bed and hold him for the remainder of the night was almost
overwhelming.  She just knew it felt right, but it wouldn't help them.  
Not in the long run anyway.   

Not when things were so awkward between them.

Not with so much left unsaid.
    

When he left Scully's apartment, she could feel his burdens again
on her shoulders and that was troublesome.   Not that she didn't want to
help him, but the fact he seemed to depend on her much more than she
felt she depended on him.   Since the separation at work, it was
becoming harder to define what they needed and wanted from each
other.  A feeling as though they were both addicts trying to wean
themselves off the other,  putting on a valiant front to face their futures
apart.  
 



 
[Fides Fragillis]  
 
 
Three weeks and the sporadic contact continued as usual.  The
anomalous visit in the middle of the night wasn't spoken of, pushed
from their minds as a personal favor that one had offered the other,
unable to recognize it for what it was.  The cry for help, a cry for the
friendship that Mulder felt slipping away.  

Drunk in his own retrospective the past few weeks in cases that were
usually given to lesser agents, Mulder dove deeper into the work
administering to his misplaced guilt and un-reconciled pain that festered
at him a little more each day.  

The feelings swelling as events of the past months had literally taken
away his search for justification of his failed actions.  Failure that would
drive him to impossible pursuit in search of a shred of humanity lost,
never dreaming or wanting to find it again so soon.  
 
 
 
Monday, May 12  
J. Edgar Hoover Building  
11:07 AM  


Blowing a frustrated breath from his lungs, the ASAC Jeff Hastings
assigned to Mulder looked around the bullpen of the Violent Crimes
Section.  The water fountain to his right kicked on as he looked down at
the vacant desk of the agent he wanted to see.

Raking his hand over a receding hairline, Hastings thought about
calling down to the security desk to ask if the person he sought had
come in for the day.
 
Rounding the corner on the fourth floor, he quickly checked the hair
color of  the occupants of this particular hallway.  Finding the correct
color and height of the person he was looking for, he found his steps
leading to her increase in speed.  Catching up to her as she headed off
down another hallway, he called for her.  
 
"Agent Scully?"  
 
Turning around to see ASAC Hastings calling her name she waited for
him.  "Yes, sir?"  
 
"Hi,  I'm Agent Hastings."  He stuck his hand out and shook hers with
confidence.  "I just wanted to meet you.  Agent Mulder and I work
together from time to time and he's spoken of you highly."  
 
Politely smiling at the compliment, she nodded.  "Thank you.  Mulder
was a good field agent to learn the ropes from."   

Detecting more than a simple meeting of colleagues, "What can I do for
you Agent Hastings?"  
 
Approaching a subject that had in reality caused him to stop her in the
first place, he treaded lightly.  "Agent Scully, I really wanted to talk to
you about Agent Mulder and his...well.... I think he's been having
problems."  
 
Having a strong suspicion she held off in deference.  "What kind of
problems?"  
 
"Mulder, seems to be focusing only on missing children cases.  He's
becoming obsessed with finding certain cases that fit....... well ... they fit
a certain criteria, if you know what I mean."   Hastings offered her a
knowing look.  
 
"I see.  What did you want to talk about?"  
 
"I was wondering if you could talk to him for me...... he doesn't seem to
listen or want to listen to me anyway.  He respects you a great deal and
I was just wondering..."  
 
Empathizing with his predicament, "I hate to tell you this, but I doubt I
would be much help.  He didn't like listening to me either when we were
partners."  
 
Surprised at this bit of knowledge, he had suspected Scully could get
through to him with little or no problem.  She had spent all those years
in the basement with him and didn't seem to have been corrupted.  

"Well, it was just an idea."   Hesitating to continue he did anyway.  "I'm
just concerned for his well being."  
 
"Don't get me wrong, I'll have a talk with him if you want.....just don't
expect any miracles."  
 
Pleased to hear her willingness to help, Hastings informed Scully that he
had a scheduled meeting with Mulder this afternoon.  He would let her
have the office to talk to Mulder alone.  
 
 
*************  
 
 
ASAC Hastings Office  
3:24 PM  
 
Approaching the office door of ASAC Hastings, Scully took in a deep
breath.  Her time with Mulder had prepared her for the awareness that
Mulder would not be too enthusiastic about Hastings or her concern.  
Mulder throwing himself into work to escape was a pattern that Scully
was more than intimately familiar with herself.    
 
Opening the door confidently, she strode in.   "Hey, Mulder."  
 
Mulder looked up to see Scully.  "What's up Scully?  Hastings call
you in too?"  
 
Puffing her lips and nodding slightly, "You could say that."  

A betrayal of emotion glimmered in her face that hinted at the concern
he had seen from her on occasion, especially when she was worried for
him.  
 
Mulder asked and answered his own question within the span of a few
seconds after judging her response.  He hadn't grown insensitive to her
demeanor after their time working together.    
 
After Mulder had turned his head in disgust after letting out a
frustrating sigh, Scully started.  

"Mulder, Agent Hastings stopped me in the hall today."  She took in his
disposition before continuing.  "He's concerned about your recent....
well.... your recent caseload."  
 
Unfazed at her words, he dryly responded.  "And?"   
 
Scully let out her own show of exasperation with this new and definitely
not improved version of Mulder.  

"He thinks  that you're getting too deep.  He told me your last case
almost ended in your censure and suspension from the Bureau because
of your inability to distance yourself personally from the victims."  

"We've seen this before, haven't we Mulder?"
 
Mulder was amazed.  This approach from Scully was, at best, unsettling.  
She of all people had no basis for lecturing him on getting personally
involved.   Slowly nodding in her direction, he stood up and started to
exit the small office.  
 
"Mulder, wait...."  He was halfway to the door before she finally
grabbed his arm.  

"Mulder, what's going on with you?  I mean..... first you show up at my
apartment in the middle of the night..... then Hastings stops me in the
hallway like that..."  
 
Without turning around, "Nothing Scully.  They're just not used to
dealing with my style of investigative techniques.  They'll get over it."  
 
"Maybe they will, Mulder...... but will you?   I know what these cases
do to you, but now.... I feel it's become your whole focus."  
 
"So what if it is, Scully!  It's better than tracking down killers!"  
 
Feeling his sense of loss surrounding the revelation of the truth of his
sister, Scully ventured into delicate territory.  "So you're reliving
Samantha's kidnapping all over again...... trying to make things right.....
through other people this time?"  
 
Turning around in rage, "Listen, Scully.  You don't have to remind me
of being an emotional cripple...... I'm the shrink remember?  I know
what I'm doing, okay."  
 
Aggravated at his return,  "Mulder, you're not an emotional cripple....
it's just that this doesn't make sense.... we know what happened to
Samantha and....."  
 
Before she could finish, "Just save it, Scully."

Lowering his voice,  "I saw how you looked at me all those times.....
you know I've been walking that fine line for years now....  I can handle
it...... with or without you."  
 
Stepping closer into his personal space, Scully also dropped her voice
to accentuate her seriousness.  "Mulder, this isn't you.  Come on.  
What's wrong?"  
 
Staring down into her eyes he couldn't form the words.  

"Just leave it alone, Scully!"  He flew out the door without looking
back, leaving Scully even more confused at his behavior since his late-
night visit.  
 
"Mulder?"  
 
 
************  

 
Scully's Apartment  
Annapolis, Maryland  
9:35 PM  
 
 
The conversation with Mulder seemed as fresh in her mind now as it
had the minute after Mulder had walked out the door.  It wasn't the first
time he had walked out on her during an argument, but this one was
slightly more aggravating.   

Willing to subject herself to more possible abuse, Scully wasn't about to
let this discussion end like she normally did.  The tone in his voice as
well as a haggard, unkempt appearance signaled a deeper problem than
Mulder was obviously unwilling to disclose.   Her own mention of  past
cases also bothered her.  Why had she felt the need to use that against
him?  

It was beneath her.
 
Picking up her phone, she dialed the number to his apartment hoping he
was taking it easy for one night.    
 
After several rings, Scully heard the line pick up without a greeting.  No
'hello,' no 'Mulder,' just dead air.  
 
"Mulder?  Are you there?  It's me.... Scully."  
 
Softly, "Yeah"  
 
"Are you okay?  Is everything all right?"  
 
A few seconds later than usual, "I'm fine......wh- what do you want?"  
 
Her voice catching as she took in his apathy, "I....I don't want anything,
Mulder, except to know you're all right."  
 
Another few seconds of nothing.  "I'm as good as I'll ever be, I guess."  
 
Softly, "Mulder, I'm sorry I let Hastings use me like that, but he was...
we are both concerned about you."  
 
Derisively, "Touching, Scully..... very touching."  
 
"Damnit, Mulder!  Why are you being like this?"  
 
Moving the phone to his other ear, "Don't you know?"  

A cold, almost evil sounding laughter filled her earpiece.    "Haven't you
figured it out yet, Scully?"  
 
"What.... what are you talking about, Mulder?"  
 
Steeped in his own self pity and a fifth of tequila, "Everything I've
done... everything WE worked for is gone....and so is Samantha....."  

Stunned into silence, after all they had seen and experienced, Scully was
puzzled why this was finally surfacing, she had thought that was all in
the past, wasn't it?  They had come so far, with so much.  

".... I never had a chance, did I...... all those years.?"

He never cried for his truth, not openly to Scully anyway.  Another
burden to be suffered through alone as they had often done during their
partnership.  A flash of a days in December some years ago flew
through Scully's mind as quickly as it came.  

It seemed as the distance of time was put between him and his truth, all
was well in his world.  As well as it could be, she thought.  

"And you think you're the only one who lost ......"  
 
"No... and you see...that's the problem, Scully.  My losses were
acceptable...but yours....."  The unfinished thought hung heavy
between the two on the line, knowing it referenced her and countless  
others.  
 
A distinct almost imperceptible slurring of his words told her that
Mulder was drinking.  A father's habit that he had picked up in recent
years.

"So that's it?  You're going to mire yourself in pity and despair.....
wanting...what?  Where will this get you?"  
 
"Hoping to make sense of who I am.... hoping to make right for
someone.... anyone... that had to go through what I did..."  
 
Sarcastically, "Well.... at least you have a plan."  
 
Returning her tone, "Yep.  I've always been good at cooking up
schemes don't you think?  Got to be prepared now don't we, Agent
Scully?"  
 
Seeking the seriousness they just abandoned, "Why are you so.....
lost.... why now, your dedication to ..."  
 
Mocking her words, "My dedication?  To what?  My dedication to
wasting my life?  Searching for the impossible?"  
 
"No, not the Mulder I knew.  The Mulder I know wouldn't lock himself
up in his apartment searching for his answers with a bottle!"

Trying to relax before she said something she didn't mean,  "You know?  
Just because you don't have the X-files doesn't mean that your life is
over."     
 
"It might as well be..."

"Mulder, I know how......."  

Before she had could finish, she could hear him continuing as if she
hadn't said a word.

"........ and as for the Mulder you knew...thought you knew.... it's pretty
clear to me you didn't know the half of who he was or what he wanted
to be."  
 
"What the hell does that mean?"  

Unsure if they were now talking about the same things she was startled
at the direction this topic had taken.  Scully started to continue when a
loud slam of the phone from the other end pierced her ear.  
 
The X-files were gone and now his energies were being directed into
whatever he could find.  Cling to.  She wasn't sure what to do.  Go over
there and make sure he doesn't drink himself to death?  That's what he
wanted her to do, right?  No, she would let him solve it on his own.  

This torture he was putting himself through was of his own making.  
Getting angry at him for not allowing her to care, to be rebuffed as she
had been, didn't win him any sympathy points.  
 

**************  
 
 
Journal: FWM  
      
I am nothing but a lie.  That's the beauty of my existence.  A lie
created to fulfill other lies.  I know this now since I found my truth.  A
truth that had I known..... well, the masochist in me tells me I would
want it anyway.  I was created to manufacture the lies that those men
needed for their purposes while at the same time a hopeful savior to my
father who hoped I could do what he couldn't..  From the  abduction of
my sister, who I'll never know if she was truly my sister, to the man that
I was molded into by persons of such depravity for human life, as long
as it wasn't their own. I was the biggest hoax of all, until the X-files.  

As much as they were used to perpetuate their lies, it also ironically   
became my biggest weapon.... their greatest threat.  Now, without the
X-files, I don't know what to do or think.  For so long they were my
salvation, my wellspring of hope.  Even after learning of the betrayals of
those around me, I had them to go back to.  They were the tool of my
trade which I used to craft my burning desire to know the truth.  And
though I've never consciously discussed my sad tale with anyone,
what reality I've been trying to find after they have been permanently
taken from me is slowly and surely slipping through my fingers.  
 
Today I severed yet another piece of myself from reality.  I know why
Jeff is concerned for me and no, I'm not surprised to see he went to
Scully to try and get some answers.   I only wish he hadn't.  I know I'm
falling down the black hole of despair.  I pity myself and have no
remorse for it.  I seek this depression willingly because for so many   
years it's the only thing I've ever had that I could truly call my own.  It is
what I am most comfortable with.  Not that feeling sorry for myself will
help me, I know it is the path I must take if I am ever to see my way to
the end of it.     

Like always, Scully was there in the cross-hairs.  I turned my
rage for others .... for myself onto her again.  Maybe this would be
different if the X-files were still here and Scully was my partner,  but I
know that's not true.  How many times did I shut her out when we were
together?  How many times did we shut each other out.... too scared to
face our fears.....

As Scully and I slip farther apart from each other professionally, my
hopes of any kind of relationship with her personally are soon on its tail.  
I see her, but I can't see past her.  Every time it's her eyes,  her voice ....
pulling me back into the world I can't go back to that is my life.... was
my life......for so long.  
 
 
*************  
 
 
Tensions between the two ex-partners steadily heightened.  Tension
born of the uneasiness in how to handle their new roles at work.
Tensions born of the undefined roles with each other. Awkwardness
soon became the rule of thumb for encounters. With no map or sense of
direction, they soon found themselves adrift.  Somewhere in the middle
of their game, someone changed the rules and they didn't know how to
play.  
 
The few conversations they had were increasingly clumsy.
Uncomfortable in the extreme.  Unable to call each other, out of excuse
for a case they were on and after the results of  their last phone
conversation, the connection deteriorated.  The thought crossed both
of their minds that maybe their relationship at its heart had been based
on work.  A shared passion between them that made them believe there
was more to it than that.  

This theory was soon gaining credibility with every strained
conversation, look, or chance meeting, but sub-consciously they knew
it ran much deeper.  It was a beautiful lie that the mind could invent.  A
safeguard to the troublesome prospects of dealing with each other on a
personal basis.  Keeping each other at arms-length, unable to cause the
harm the other seemingly wanted to inflict.  
 
Scully had never depended on relationships before to fulfill her life, so
she did not have many close friends.  She knew a lot of people, but she
could only keep a few close mostly because of her dedication to her
career.  Some of her friends were put off by her working for the FBI,
some were put off by her inability to keep in constant if not consistent   
contact.  She loved her work. Was that a crime? When most people
were throwing a few back, she would read her medical journals, work
on monographs for the forensic community, and whatever kept her
busy.   
 
Mulder was of course in the same boat, if not worse.  Other than the
Gunmen, he had virtually no friends.  His quest over the years had
reaped a toll on his personal relationships that was of titanic
proportions.  He spent most of his free time reading up on case files,
reports of paranormal activity, or other "interesting" subjects that only   
someone like Fox Mulder might notice as "interesting."  
 
Ignoring their feelings had always been hard, but ignoring each other
completely began to take a toll.   They had not spoken in weeks.  
 
 
*************  
 
J. Edgar Hoover Building  
May 30  
9:57 AM  
 
 
The weeks came and departed as one would avoid the other.  Words
spoken in the heat of  battle trying to make the other see the way to a
future that was becoming unwound by the day.  Falling into the now
regular pattern of evasion from each other, Mulder and Scully   
drew upon a reservoir of untapped strength to keep a distance, afraid
the next meeting  would be worse than the one before.  Working on a
new case that had come his way didn't help their cause.  
 
Catching her out of the corner of her eye Mulder stopped Scully in the
hallway lobby in front of the elevators.  He was tired, even a little edgy.  
Hastings refused to put him on anymore kidnapping cases and sent him
back to what he was once best known for.  Profiling was taking him
back into a world that he dared to enter.  Vicious crimes to people had a
way of de-sensitizing a person to the point of corrupting everyday
thoughts and meanings.  
 
"Hey Scully, wait up....I need your autopsy results from the Chanson
murder if you get around to it."  
 
Scully, suffering from autopsy-overload, snapped  "Get around to it?   
What the hell does that mean?"  She was bitter, cold.  
 
"It means I need them, and what's with the attitude?"      
 
"Attitude?"  Releasing a groan she continued, " Mulder, I don't have
time for this right now."  
 
In a mumbled voice, "You mean you don't have time for this... or you
don't have time for me?"  
 
Unsure she had just heard what she thought she heard, "What the hell
do you mean by that..........damnit, Mulder!"  Sighing in frustration, she
turned in the other direction to retreat thoroughly enraged.  
 
Confused, he stormed off after her to confront this side of Scully that he
had rarely seen.  Catching up to her in five large strides, he pulled her
around by the shoulder, "What was that about?"  
 
"Use that highly analytical mind of yours and take a guess!" Scully
flinched away from his touch and angrily bolted, not saying another
word.  
 
"And what did I do?"

Obviously, the recessive male gene for stupid questions had taken over
this day.  As she glared back at his incredible words, she spat out the
only thing that came to her mind as sarcastically as possible.  

"Nothing, Mulder...... leave it alone."  His own words flung back at him,
he turned and walked away.  
 

*************
 
 
Journal:  DKS  
 
Asshole!  No, I'm sure I could do much better and the fact I know that
is enough.   The incredible depths of which I am frustrated amazes even
me.  He had the audacity to ask me what was with my attitude after the
way he's treated me?  That should be an X- file in and of itself.  

Not only did the end of our partnership signal the end of our
professional relationship it has seemingly doomed our private one as
well.  The most disturbing thing about all of this is  I don't want to think
of him anymore.  The thoughts of him are unpleasant and tiresome.  For
that fact alone I hate myself for wanting to hate him. I want this to be
over..... I just want him gone from my present so I can look fondly
on our past.  

We've only begun and it's all falling apart.  Lately, I'm just
so tired of it all.  Tired of the confrontations, the way we look at each
other.  It's as if we can't stop ourselves.  One blaming the other for
upsetting the apple cart that had become our lives, in a harmony that
was beginning to yield itself back into the realm of greater things for
us.  
 


 
*************  
 
 

 
Scully began to travel more and was assigned a partner as her case
load was now gaining momentum.  Out of desire to bury herself in her
work, or to escape her life altogether, she was not sure.  The new
partner was an expert in forensics as well as bright, young and fresh out
of the academy.  

Special Agent Larry Holland was also handsome.  This was also a fact  
not lost on fellow agents nor the rest of the females at the Hoover
building.  Approximately six foot three and blue-eyed with his sun-faded
red hair that screamed of Southern California heritage.    A degree from
USC in Criminal Justice along with a residency at UCLA in Forensic
Sciences, garnered him 'golden boy' status for more than the obvious
reasons.    
 
Mulder's time was spent mostly on profiling and lecturing, visiting law-
enforcement agencies that came from around the country to learn from
the nation's best.  The lack of field agents made it imperative to local
police departments to depend more on themselves for violent offenders.  
This also took Mulder away from cases and ironically had him at
Quantico quite often due to the facilities they could offer.   Another
obvious attempt by Hastings to keep him on the level.
 
Seeing Scully in the hallway talking to her new partner did not make
things easy.  She would look up at him, and talk in that confident voice
that was once reserved for him. They made an impression on a lot of
people.  The closeness they once shared was now found with a new
partner and a new life.  
 
Scully was on the fast track.  Her new partner was quick minded, smart
and able to make leaps into logic, but still a little green.  Through silent
agreement Mulder and Scully co-existed within the same department.  
Leaving behind years of feelings, they disregarded each other for the
most part.  Staying out of the other's way, not wanting to upset the   
tenuous balance that now existed between them.  
 

*************

Alexandria, Virginia
2640 Hegal Place
Saturday, June 22
11:42 PM


Summer arrived in the quiet suburb of Washington to intense days of
heat and warm muggy nights.  Walking the last few blocks to his
apartment building, Mulder reflected on his day.  His day off.  A
Saturday.  A long boring, nothing to do filled day.  With his jacket
slung over his shoulder, his mind was full of warring voices.

Thinking back, he would never quite get used to having all his
weekends off.  Work wasn't demanding and it was easy to keep his
duties confined to the forty hour work week that was required.  Strange
he thought.  Now that the Bureau was strapped for finances, due to the
scandal, he had thought his free time would be precious.  It didn't seem
to be the case, though.  Typically backwards, typically federal
government.

Amused at his own parallel, the thought of how Scully and him had
prescribed to a similar formula also came to him uninvited.  Now that
they could pursue any relationship they wanted they couldn't stand to
be in the same room with each other.

Coming back from his local watering hole, Mulder was unaware of his
surroundings.  Having drunk his fair share of alcohol, he saw the steps
to his building just a few dozen yards ahead.  

`Oh, man.  I should really tell Terry to cut me off sooner.'

BANG

Looking over his shoulder to see the car that had just backfired, he
involuntarily fell to his knees.  Unable to keep his balance, the same
force that knocked his legs from under him drew his face towards the
cement sidewalk faster than he could stop it.  

Falling into the blackness of an unconscious state, the last thing
Mulder heard was his attacker.  

"You sorry son of a bitch."

The sight of his victim's blood pooling around his body, the assailant
ran off into the night.


 
*************  

 
Annapolis, Maryland  
Scully's Apartment  
Sunday, June 23,   
2:31 AM  
 
 
A ringing in the distant reminded Scully of simpler days.  Hearing a bell
she was thrown  back to a time where classmates scurried around her,
heading for the exits to go home.  Another image flashed before her
eyes of an alarm that bore the remnants of a time when she was missing.  
Flipping through the memories of her mind, another ring was that   
of the phone on Fox Mulder's desk.  One in which she had answered
many times.  It was this thought that physically jarred her awake to
discover her own phone trilling in the dead of night.  
 
"H-Hello?"  Rolling over to check the time, she had only one thought.  
'Mulder.'  
 
For once, her pseudo-psychic abilities were dead on.  
 
"Dr. Scully?"  
 
"Yes, hello?"  
 
"Is this Dr. Dana Scully?"  
 
Slightly annoyed at the repeated question.  "Yes it is, may I help you?"  
 
"Dr. Scully, my name is Dr. Harrison from Alexandria Memorial.  Do
you know a Fox Mulder?"  
 
Sighing at the implications.  "Yes I do.  What's happened?"  
 
"Fortunately, nothing too bad.  Your partner was shot in the lower
femur region of his left leg.  It was only a flesh wound.  He listed you  
as his next of kin in case of emergencies, we were instructed that you
were to be notified."  
 
Sitting up in bed, emotions started to run over her mind.  Relief. Anger.
Exasperation.  Frustration.  'Damnit, when will he ever learn,' she
thought.  
 
"Dr. Harrison,  I'll be there in an hour."  Without listening to his reply,
she slammed the phone down.  Hastily getting dressed and brushing
through her hair, she didn't care much how she looked.    
 

*************

 
Alexandria Memorial Hospital  
3:37 AM  
 
The drive down to Alexandria served to bring her to a slow boil.  'This
is it. I'm not his mother.  I'm not even his partner anymore.  How dare
he call me after what he's ......he runs off doing God-knows-what and
expects me to pick up the pieces again.'  By the time she arrived,
Scully's fury was reaching a new all-time high.  
 
She arrived at the Emergency Room to find Mulder had been moved to
the recovery room around midnight and had been moved to a private
room in the past half-hour.  Upon arriving at his room, she stopped
outside to read his chart.  It was a slight wound, nothing too bad.  The
entrance wound was small, she guessed it was probably a .22 caliber if
the descriptions of the recovered slug were correct.  
 
Stepping inside, she recognized the sound of a heart monitor as well as
the man resting quietly.  Her disposition changed very little upon the
sight of Fox Mulder resting peacefully.  Something she was supposed
to be doing right at this moment herself.  
 
Walking to the side of his bed, she felt his forehead with the back of her
hand.  'No fever.' She said to herself.  'Good sign there won't be an
infection.'  
 
'Sorrysonofabitch Sorrysonofabitch Sorrysonofabitch Sorrysonofabitch  
Sorrysonofabitch Sorrysonofabitch Sorrysonofabitch' was all that ran
through Mulder's mind.  He kept hearing it over and over like a mantra.  
He knew who had said it, but it wasn't his voice.  It was the voice of
someone he had never heard saying it over and over again.  
 
Mulder started to wake from his drug induced slumber.  Turning his
head towards the sensation on his right, he saw Scully standing there
with a blank expression on her face.  One he hadn't seen, nor did he ever
know existed.  
 
"H-Hey...."  Mulder managed to force out.  "Someone really wants me
to have that peg-leg, huh?"  
 
Without returning the greeting, Scully started to fill him in his situation.  
"You were shot through the lower left femur.  This time the damage
wasn't as bad."  Her tone was beyond irritable.  "You'll live."  
 
Put off at her unusually brusque bedside manner, "Nice to see you too,
Scully."    

"What are you doing here?"  
 
Remaining quiet for a minute to compose her raw emotions, she stared
at him unfeeling.  "Hmm... what am I doing here, Mulder?  I was called
out of a sound sleep to come rescue my 'partner' again after some
foolish excursion for God-knows-what."  
 
"Scully I didn't....'  
 
Scully didn't allow him the opportunity to finish.  Almost yelling to him,
her raised voice was surely going to garner her some attention from the
nurses down the hall. "What was it this time, Mulder?  Another UFO
buzzing the White House?  A secret stash of alien bodies in a desert
somewhere....."  She bit her words off sharply.  

"When  the HELL will you learn, Mulder?"
 
Unable to process his own thoughts, he felt his own anger inflamed at
the insinuations being launched at him without mercy.  
 
"LET'S get one thing straight here, Mulder. While we were 'partners,'"
she said with a certain amount of repulsion, "it was my job to cover
your ass......."   

After a moment, "This is it, Mulder.  I'm not your mother, your sister
and god-damnit I am not your wife...... you just can't call me up and
expect good `ol Scully to bail you out anymore after you go off on
these foolish excursions!  If you gave a damn about me, you might
consider letting me in on these little side projects of yours..."  
 
Letting her words sink in for a minute they stared at one another.  
Dazed at the colossal anger gushing from Scully; he half-heartedly
thought about making a crack to her about where the real Dana Scully
was at and who was this clone.
 
Instead, he only saw his former partner.  

His former colleague.

For all intents and purposes, his former life.

Scully's steel blue eyes burned hot and white.  A blazing torch that was
fueled by years of frustrations she had long buried and tried to forget.  
Only to be summoned up from the darkest corners of a tortured soul,
unleashing itself on the closest bystander.  

The closest one to the pain.

Mulder.

He answered her, completely disillusioned by her allegations.  

"Scully....... I didn't call you.  I wasn't off on some wild goose chase,
either.   Someone pulled a gun on me outside of my apartment........ I
guess someone thought I was easy target.  All right?  Feel better?"  

The unexpected walking nightmare fell to her feet.  This version of
events, including his sincerity, jolted her sensibilities as if someone had
punched her in the stomach.  The mere thought of her own words and
accusations was paralyzing.  It was nothing like she had suspected at all.  
Jumping to conclusions was usually reserved for Mulder, but Scully had
jumped in head first on this one.  
 
Thinking back, Mulder figured he knew how and why she had been
called.  "The nurses must have seen your....."  Shifting up in bed to look
around he grimaced.  He lunged over to the table by his bed, shoving
her helpful hand out of the way, where his wallet, stripped of any cash
and credit cards lay.  

Pushing it to the side he reached for his credentials that sat in the
drawer.  Pulling out the flap behind his shield, he fingered behind the
identification card and pulled out the source of his irritation.    
 
Taking a look to see if it was the right one he ripped it from the
compartment and flung it at her.  "There.....it won't happen again.  I
promise."  
 
She bent down to pick up the object he had so disdainfully thrown at
her.  She saw that it was one of her business cards with instructions on
the back in case of emergencies, worn and tattered after obviously
spending many years tucked safely behind his badge.  

The conversation she had with Mulder from the early days in their
partnership, when he was more inclined to ditch her, came rushing back.  
Remembering giving him this very card to keep on him in case he were
ever lost or in trouble, she never imagined to have it used this way.
 
Coming closer to the side of his bed she started to apologize.  
"I'm.....I'm sorry, Mulder.   I didn't.... I don't know what to....."  
 
Closing his eyes he took in as deep a breath as he could.  "I'll also be
sure to update the personnel records at the Bureau as soon as I get
back...... I wouldn't want anyone else to make the mistake."

"Mulder, you don't have........"

"Listen, Scully.  I can see how much you hate me.........it's written all
over your face."  Shaking his own head, "Just get out of here...."
 
"Mulder?"  
 
"JUST GET OUT OF HERE!"  
 
Never in all their days could she ever remember a tone of voice so
strong and angry at her.  

In a broken voice, "Mulder?"  
 
"NO, SCULLY!     You're right....you're not my partner....you're not
my wife....and ...please... just ......just leave me alone."  
 
Mulder turned his head away from her looking away to cover the
anguish which washed over him at that moment.  

Scully could see his face in the window beside his bed.  He was
crushed.  Destroyed.  She had taken their trust, their loyalty and thrown
it out that same window into oblivion.

She turned and walked out the door.  The only noise he heard was that
of her footsteps increasing in their pace as she walked slowly from his
room.  
 

************  

Annapolis, Maryland
4:31 AM  
 
 
Coming home that early Sunday morning was more difficult than leaving
his room.  She did so because he had asked her too, but back in her
apartment she would find its lonely existence too reflective to put the
events of the last few hours out of her mind.  Searching her memory,
she diligently tried to replay the events of the encounter.

`For God's sake, Dana...... he was shot....even if he had been out on
some fools errand, I've never treated him that way before.   I can't
believe that was me in there.  What's happening to us?'   

Deluding herself in guilt was often a way to explain the intricacies of
their relationship, but now she felt a difference.  It was a combined
effort she realized, one that was leading to a disastrous end if they didn't
find a way to remain friends much less colleagues.  
 
However, it was also clear that maybe it was time to step back.  Take a
long hard look at her relationship to her former partner and what place
he now held in her life if he held one at all.  Agonizing over the
possibilities, she wrestled with ideas on how they could see their way
out of something so deep she was afraid to look back in fear of falling.  
 
Arriving at a difficult decision, she decided that the mere act she was
proposing would draw a line that could possibly forfeit her and Mulder
any chance of remaining friends or in the end it might save a future.  
 
 
 
 
*************  
 
 
 
Time in the hospital was never a favorite pastime of Mulder's.  No
matter why he was there it was never for a good reason.  His stays were
too frequent and Scully's were always too depressing for him to want to
remember.  The most depressing part was the quiet.  Sure, he could hear
beeps and noise from the hallway where other nurses and patients went
about the business of getting well, but it forced his overactive mind to
idle.   TV was rarely a help, and the reading material for the day was
usuall