By Foxhunt2blue
foxhunter2blue@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13/R for language
Summary: Sometimes we discover a truth we wish
                 we hadn't...or maybe we do?
Feedback: OH MY! YES!!!
Email: foxhunter2blue@yahoo.com
          Kitsunegari2001@aol.com
Disclaimer: 1013 and Fox own these characters
Archive: Feel free too! *VBG :D
Author's Note: Written for the After the Fact post-ep
                       challenge for Fight the Future: The Movie
                       September 11, 2002

***************************************************
An Open Letter
***************************************************

Once not so long ago she had put pen to paper in an
emotional and poetic attempt to express her thoughts.

She had been dying of cancer.

She had lost hope somewhere along the road, making
a wrong turn and leaving faith trampled in the dust.

When he had found those words, scribbled desperately
in a ragged notebook, reading them after she had found
her faith once more, she had been embarrassed. That's
why she knew what she was about to do was something
she should be ashamed of, she just couldn't bring herself
to feel what she knew was right.

After they had returned from Antarctica she had wanted
to speak to him...tell him the truth. Between OPR, paperwork,
Skinner and her family they seemed to drift apart once
more, their feelings tucked back in the dark little corners of
their existence.

Tomorrow, she told herself.

But tomorrow never came.

She had happened across the journal by accident as
she was searching for a file on his desk one evening
as they were sharing a pizza and beer. Her mind
filed it away knowing it for what it was.

The Bureau shrink had given her one as well when
they had been given mandatory therapy to treat what
was labeled as PTSD. Nightmares, lack of appetite,
inability to concentrate...yadda, yadda.

Dr. Hoyle was a middle aged pleasant woman, but she
was so far removed from their world she didn't have a
clue how to deal with them.

So here it was.

A nice little hard covered book with plenty of blank pages
and hundreds of dark lines to fill with inner turmoil. Then
she had instructed them to start by writing everyday, to
go about it as though it were an open letter to the most
important person in their lives. She had been an obedient
little patient, filling the lines with what was necessary to
get out of therapy, she had been tired of her brain being
picked clean by the vultures.

She figured Mulder had thrown his away as soon as he
got home. That thought couldn't have been more wrong.

Stepping to the window, she glanced down, just checking
to make sure he wasn't back yet. With sweat slick fingers
she lifted the book out of the desk draw, her heart  fluttering
against the frail cage of her ribs. Lifting the cover a breath
escaped her throat in a choked snort as she began to read.

**********************************************************************

Scully,

I suppose that despite my most deceiving manner there is
no way I'm going to get out of this annoying assignment.

Shrinks! I fucking hate it when they try to weasel their way into
my brain. To many people have stomped their way through
my cerebral cortex (don't you just love those big scientific
words?) without adding another to the mix.

Hope she likes what I've written so far.

************************************************************************

Leaning forward she grasp the long neck, taking a long slow
drink. That tiny voice was back there in the far reaches again
insisting she stop this invasion, but she felt a need greater than
any voice, to know if she were wrong.

************************************************************************

Jesus H. Christ!

What does she want from me? Does she want to hear I've been
traumatized? That I've seen things I shouldn't have?

You better damned well believe I have!

I'm sorry, Scully. Sorrier than you will ever know. If your right
and there is a God out there...well let's just say Fox William Mulder
must be his own personal joke.

I want my fucking world back! I want my sister! I want my father!

I WANT YOU!!!

Yeah, you heard me right Scully! I want you...

Not just a partner.

Not just my best friend.

I want you in the biblical sense!

We came so close Scully...then that...that fuzzy flying honey
shitter had to come into the equation!!! I thought you were
dying...that I was losing you again...just like Duane Barry,
like the cancer.

I can't keep doing this, but it feels like you're shutting me out
again. I know you feel the same way I do! I KNOW IT!!

Those tears were real I saw in your eyes, I didn't imagine
them, I didn't imagine the way your fingers touched me or
the bittersweetness of that gentle kiss. Your lips on my fore
head were like strawberries dipped in champagne.

Sweet, fresh...

I bared my soul to you that day.

If it would have made you stay I would have done anything...
anything, but lie.

Not about this.

Not about us.

Why are you pushing me away Scully? Why?

****************************************************************************

She lay the book down almost choking on the sip of beer.

Was it true?

Had she been pushing him away or was it just his own fears
speaking out?

Trembling fingers threaded through her hair, flipping a soft
curl back behind her ear. She was sure that he would have
come to her after everything they had been through.

But why does it have to be him?

Why can't you go to him?

Taking another swallow she picked up the book and began
to read again.

******************************************************************************

I'm scared.

I'm so fucking scared.

If I wasn't such a lousy coward I would just pull the trigger, end it
right now. Instead I'm sitting here scribbling in this God damned
book, knowing it won't do a bit of good.

Why can't you just love me Scully?

Why can't you quit denying your feelings?

Every person I've ever loved has left me cold and alone. Now
your doing the same thing, just in a different way.

I'm ashamed of my craving for you.

When I close my eyes at night your all I see. Your perfect form,
hands so gentle, yet strong. I lay there imagining what it would
feel like to kiss you...make love to you.

I wonder if Hoyle is getting her jollies off on my twisted obssessive
need for you. It's not just the nightmares that make me call you in
the middle of the night. Sometimes I just want to hear your voice.

God help me...I love you. I've thought I was in love before, but
I wasn't.  Not like this. Not like you.

What do you want me to do?

I'm scared you'll run, that you'll leave me just as you intended
to that night in the hallway.

Am I so hideous to you?

Why can't you love me Dana?

******************************************************************************

When she heard the sound she didn't understand what it was, but
then she saw the beads of liquid fall on the paper.

Tiny glistening beads of salty grief.

The keening sob ripped from her throat as she dropped the book. Her
tears smearing the jagged familiar scrawl of black ink.

She was a fool.

How could she doubt his feelings?

He had travelled half way around the world, risked his career, his life,
even his own sanity.  He had taken a bullet, then pulled himself out
of bed to stagger his way to Antarctica. The entire time they were
recuperating at the army hospital he had refused to stay in his own
bed, sitting a silent vigil at her side for two weeks.

Pushing her away after the OPR meetings was his own way of
saving her again. Saving her from a fate he thought she was to
good to accept.

"Damn you Mulder...," she whispered.

At that moment she heard someone in the hallway fumbling with
the lock. Grabbing the book she threw it back into the desk draw,
swiped her tears away with the back of her hand, then headed
for the door.

When her eyes settled on him it was almost to hard to hold back
the tears. Running across the room she slammed him into the door
her arms tightening around his warm body in the equivilant of a
bear hug.

"Whoa... whoa! Hey!" he yelped as he juggled the bags of
Indian food. "What was that for?" he smiled down at her as
she squeezed harder, then grabbed two of the food bags.

"I missed you!" she laughed.

"I was only gone for thirty minutes. What do I get if I ditch you
for a week?"

His eyes sparkled a dark aquamarine in the dim living room
when she smacked him on the ass.

"Promises...promises...promises," he taunted, a wide smile
splitting his lips.

"Don't you wish you knew?" she pranced off towards the
kitchen to get plates, Mulder rich dark laughter burning her
ears.

Please God, she thought, give me the strength I need to tell
him how much he means to me.

"Hey, Scully get me a beer!"

The furrow between her brows faded as she yelled back.

"Yes, Master! Would you like me to feed you as well?"

"Well,  that depends on  what your giving me!"

"Just you wait and see Spooky!" she yelled as she headed
back to the living room.

Maybe there was hope for them yet, she thought, even
after the pain she had heard in those silent words.

Words in a letter she was never meant to read.

THE END