by Shari Long
Scullysfan@aol.com

 
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998

Disclaimer:  The characters and some of the dialogue in this story
belong to the Fox Network, 1013 productions, Chris Carter, and
especially to Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny.  No infringement is
intended.

Classification:  S, UST

Rating:  PG

Spoilers:  "Revelations" and "Irresistible"

Archive:  Anywhere, just keep my name attached.

Acknowledgement:  Thanks to Jill for the editing and most especially
for the hand-holding.  I don't know what I'd do without you.

Feedback:  Scullysfan@aol.com

Summary:  Scully and Mulder contemplate matters of faith and
friendship in the wake of the Kevin Kryder case.
 

  -------------------------
 
  9:24 a.m.
  St. Luke's Catholic Church
 
 
Wood scraped against wood as the priest slid back the panel
separating him from his latest penitent.  Even though the metal grill
was designed to protect identities, he noticed immediately the brilliant
red hair of the young woman seated on the other side of the wall.  Such
a bright contrast to the dark surrounding her.
 
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," she began -- quickly, almost
guiltily making the sign of the cross.  "It has been... six years since my
last confession and... since then I've drifted away from the Church.  I'm
not sure why exactly."
 
Well, that's not exactly true, Scully thought wryly.  Six years ago... that
would have been just before joining the F.B.I.  All those years of college
and medical school had taken a toll on her faith.  She had surrounded
herself with scientific explanations for everything until the very idea of
belief in something bigger than herself, in the God she had worshipped
as a child, had become foreign to her.  Evidence, not faith, was what she
clung to.
 
The X-files hadn't helped... the things she had seen and experienced, the
losses she had suffered.  Melissa.  Time.  Her own sense of control.  All
those things served as barriers to the faith she once thought she had.
She had almost given up the hope of getting it back.  Until...
 
The priest interrupted her thoughts.  "Have you come to confess?"
 
"No," she replied quickly, almost surprised that he'd asked.  "Umm....
there's a man that I work with... a friend.  And usually I'm able to discuss
these things with him.  But not this."
 
Why should that knowledge cause her heart to plummet?  When was the
last time she couldn't talk to Mulder about anything?  Then she
remembered... the Pfaster case.  Scully had not wanted Mulder to know
just how afraid she was... sure that he would feel compelled to protect her.
So she had kept her fears to herself, steeled herself against the horrific
nature of the case, and had returned to Minnesota only to have her worst
nightmare come true.  But Mulder had been there to save her in time... yes,
to protect her.  And though a part of Scully raged against needing his
protection, there was another part tucked away that rejoiced.  For one
moment in that dark house, Scully let herself collapse into his arms --
allowing Mulder to drive away the demons.
 
But that was a different situation.  This time it was Mulder who wouldn't
meet her halfway.  During the Kevin Kryder case Scully had seen what she
believed to be miracles -- the corpse that refused to decay, the wounds of
the crucifixion marring the hands and side of the little boy who completely
and utterly placed his trust in her.  Why?  Because he believed God had
sent Dana Scully to protect him.  And strangely enough, Scully believed it
as well.  Yet for the gigantic leaps of faith Mulder had made in the past --
this time, when it really counted, he wouldn't believe.  Or maybe he just
couldn't, thought Scully.  EBE's and liver-eating mutants, yes.  Miracles
fashioned by God, no.
 
Scully's voice wavered as she spoke. "Father, do you believe in miracles?"
 
"Of course.  I see them every day.... the rising sun, the birth of a child..."
 
"No."  She stopped him, shaking her head.  "I'm talking about events that
defy explanation."  Desperately, Scully searched for the words to make
him understand.  "Things that... I believe helped me save a young boy's life."
Drawing a shuddering breath she said, "But now I wonder if I saw them at
all... if I didn't just imagine them."
 
"Why do you doubt yourself?"
 
Scully paused for a moment and then said, "Because my partner didn't see
them.  He didn't... he didn't believe them.  And usually he....," she chuckled
painfully, "he believes without question."
 
That was one of the things about Mulder that most exasperated Scully...
he believed so easily in the carrots their enemies dangled in front of his
nose.  Time and again he had almost paid the price for that effortless belief with
his life.  And each time, a little piece of Scully died.  Yet for all the worry he
had caused her, Scully couldn't... wouldn't begrudge him his hope.  After all, it
was the strength of his beliefs that once brought her back to the world of the
living.  Of that there was no doubt.  Those beliefs were so strong, so
single-minded.  She knew they rose from his all-consuming desire to find
Samantha.  That's what drove him, and as long as her body continued to
draw breath, Scully would be by his side.  <<Still, it would have been nice
if he could have trusted in *my* beliefs this time.>>
 
Unknowingly providing the answer to Scully's unspoken question, the priest
said simply, "Maybe they weren't meant for him to see... maybe they were
only meant for you."
 
"Is that possible?"  Astonishment rang in her voice.
 
"With the Lord, anything is possible.  Perhaps you saw these things
because you needed to."
 
"To find my way back?"
 
"Sometimes we must come full circle to find the truth."
 
Scully started at the priest's words... words Kevin's father had spoken
to her earlier.  Mulder had taken them to be a madman's ravings, but she
knew what they really were -- God's not-so-gentle nudge in the right
direction.
 
Noticing her reaction, the priest asked, "Why does that surprise you?"
 
An icy cold invaded her bones as a realization dawned on Scully.  With
tears more in her voice than in her eyes, Scully explained, "Mostly it just
makes me afraid."
 
"Afraid?"
 
"Afraid that God is speaking... but that no one's listening."
 
 
 
********************

 
9:55 a.m.
Enroute to the Columbus, Ohio airport
 
 
As the cab pulled away from St. Luke's, Scully settled back against the
worn seat, her own words echoing in her mind.  <<... God is speaking... but
no one's listening.  .... no one's listening.  .... God is speaking.>>
 
That particularly harsh revelation had come to her as she sat in the
confessional, desperately seeking answers to questions she wasn't even
sure how to ask.  But sitting in the cab as it weaved in and out of traffic,
Scully had an even more personal revelation... that she wasn't listening to
God, or trusting Him either.  Or at least she hadn't been.  Once she told a
Bureau counselor that she needed to get back her faith in her ability to do
her job.
 
That, for Scully, was essential.  Self-confidence.  Control.  The knowledge
that she could handle the situation without anyone's help.  Without Mulder's.
And most of all... without God's.
 
Mulder.  Despite their disagreements on this case and the strange chasm
that seemed to be forming between them lately, the very thought of him
brought a familiar surge through her body.  That Scully could need
someone as urgently as she needed Mulder frightened her.  As much as
she needed her next breath it sometimes seemed.  Not exactly how the
typical FBI agent thinks of his/her partner, Scully thought, shifting slightly
in the back seat as the taxi turned a corner.
 
But she had to be honest enough with herself to admit that Mulder had
stopped being just her partner a very long time ago.  Had even ceased to
be just her best friend.... No, he was much more.  Just what "more"
entailed was what Scully chose not to contemplate too often.
 
She shook her head, thinking to herself just how silly it was to hold
anything back from Mulder.  The moment when he held her in his arms
inside a darkened Minnesota house as she allowed him to see her at her
most vulnerable had seemed so wrong to her intellectual side, but so very
right to her emotional side.  And when it was all over, Mulder hadn't made
her feel weak or ashamed... just cared for and safe.
 
<<See?  You trusted and leaned on him then, and the world didn't come to
a crashing halt.   Everyone needs that one person he or she can trust
without question.>>  Scully knew that.  Putting those beliefs into practice
was what she needed to work on.
 
So... if it wasn't weak and spineless to trust Mulder, to occasionally
depend on his help, his support, and even that something that she couldn't
face yet, shouldn't it be even easier to trust and lean on God?  After talking
with the priest, Scully was more certain than ever that God had used the
Kevin Kryder case to bring her back to Him.  As a child, she heard the
priests speak of the fathomless love of God and of His promise to always
be with her if only she would trust Him.
 
The taxi began the slow journey up the ramp to the airport terminal.  <<If it
bothers me so much that no one's listening to God, maybe the secret is
just for *me* to listen.  Not to think of Him as a crutch, but as a
foundation.>>
 
As the taxi drew nearer the American Airlines terminal, in the deepest part
of her soul, Scully breathed a voiceless prayer... a plea to her God for His
stablilizing force amidst the ever-shifting sands of her life.  But it was
also a promise... a promise that she would keep her ears, and more
importantly, her heart attuned to His.  Steadfastly listening for Him to speak.
 
"Lady?  Lady???  We're here!  Lady?  You all right?"
 
The cab driver's loud and rather impatient voice shook Scully out of her
quiet meditations.  "I.. I'm sorry.  How much do I owe you?"
 
"Twelve bucks even.  Hey, Lady.... is everything all right?"
 
A gentle smile spread over Scully's face as she stepped out of the cab
and handed the man his money through the open window.  "Yes, I'm fine.
Everything's going to be just fine. Thanks."
 
She turned quickly and hurried toward the electronic doors that would lead
her to Mulder.  Had she hesitated for even a second or two, she might have
seen the befuddled look the cab driver wore as he watched her leave.
 
Muttering to himself, he pulled up to another fare.  "Women.  Looked
like she'd lost her best friend when I picked her up, and now everything's
magically fine!"
 
 
 
**********************
 
10:31 a.m.
Gate 3B
Columbus, Ohio airport
 
 
Mulder paced restlessly back and forth in front of the giant windowed
wall facing the runways.  From overhead he heard the continuous drone
of announced departures and arrivals.  But that stream of words was no
match for the monologue playing in his mind.  <<For once, Scully had
finally believed in extreme possibilities.  That's what you'd been waiting
years for, wasn't it, Mulder?  But they weren't *your* extreme possibilities,
so you dismissed them outright.  Never stopping to believe in her ideas...
in *her*.>>
 
With his hands in his pockets, Mulder stood ram-rod straight, from time
to time rocking back on his heels.  He wasn't aware that he looked for
all the world like a nervous animal.  But he was well aware of the nervous
state of his mind.  A fearful state, actually.  Afraid of what his callous
disbelief of the <dare he even think it?> miraculous events in Loveland,
Ohio had done to his partnership with Dana Scully.
 
<<She's always supported you, Mulder.  Been there to haul your tail
out of any number of situations.  Situations you ran straight toward, just
after ditching her, leaving her to wait by the phone.   Even if she didn't
always believe in the things you did, at least she respected you
enough to listen.>>
 
He looked at his watch, noticing their flight was scheduled to begin
boarding in only fifteen minutes.  Raking his fingers through his hair,
Mulder walked toward the main part of the terminal to see if he could
spot a tiny, red-headed dynamo.  No sign of that familiar figure.
 
<<That's what she was on this case... a dynamo, while you, Mulder,
were a spineless jerk.  Too afraid to believe in what you didn't
understand.  Scully believed and then she stood her ground... stood
up to you even.>>
 
That Scully had taken off on her own to the recycling plant had been
unsettling for Mulder.  Mostly because she had chosen her own path,
instead of following him down his.  He hadn't been frightened for her
safety.  There was no need for him to be afraid... he believed she was
wrong.  Witnesses had spotted Simon Gates and Kevin at the airport.
There was no reason for Mulder to give much creedance to Scully's
"word from God."
 
<<No reason except that she's your partner, your best friend.  You
know, Mulder.... the only one you trust. >>
 
Never before had Mulder's own words come back to haunt him with such
amazing clarity.  His furious pacing slowed to a crawl as he experienced
his own revelation, divine or not.
 
Mulder turned and retraced his path, resuming his stance in front of the
window.  <<Okay, maybe I can't muster the faith to believe in miracles, but
at least I know I can believe in Scully.  Who knows if God was involved in
all this.  I don't know if I even believe He exists at all.  But maybe my
faith could use some stretching... if I haven't completely screwed up everything
with Scully, perhaps she could show me where she gets that astounding
faith of hers.>>
 
That Scully might be capable of revealing other mysteries to him wasn't a
foreign idea either.  Mulder was aware deep down in the pit of his stomach,
as well as his heart, that he wasn't just afraid for the state of his
partnership with Scully, but also for their relationship.  Their strange, undefinable
relationship.  A relationship built on a mutual trust between them, their
unspoken bond... the love he knew he felt for her.
 
<<Where'd that come from??>>  Mulder's eyes widened at the thoughts
that flew unbidden through his mind.
 
<<Do I really love her? Is it fair for me to admit even to myself that I do?>>
 
Mulder, the psychologist, had to chuckle at his inner analysis.  <<It's true,
doctors really do make the worst patients.>>
 
A Boeing 747 hurtled down the runway, rising gracefully into the sky,
borne on wings of steel.  Leaning on the railing along the window, Mulder
contemplated the silver bird rapidly vanishing from view.  Amazing, really.
That something so heavy and cumbersome could become lighter than air.
Another one of those extreme possibilities.
 
He and Scully were like that jet... Mulder, the engine that powered them
and Scully, the wings that carried them.  Alone, grounded -- one unable
to fly without the other.  Together, capable of soaring to majestic heights.
 
A hand placed gently on his back startled Mulder, and he turned around
to find his partner standing there.  But it wasn't the woman who had
walked away from him at the shelter.  That woman had eyes filled with
unshed tears, eyes that seemed reluctant to meet his.  Now he found
himself swimming in the sparkling blue of her clear eyes... eyes that
once again held his gaze.  No, this was a Dana Scully with a peace
about her he wasn't sure he'd ever seen before  -- a Scully he thought
he could get very used to.
 
"Mulder?  Where were you just then?"  Scully's voice was low and
tender with concern.
 
The first boarding call for flight 403 to Washington, D.C. sounded,
and passengers began to gather their belongings.  But Scully remained
planted firmly, solid as a rock, waiting for Mulder's reply.
 
"I was just thinking about extreme possibilities, Scully."
 
 
 
THE END