TITLE: WHEN THE DISHWASHER BREAKS (1/1)
AUTHOR: Marjorie
DATE: July 2, 2001
EMAIL: marjwill@yahoo.com
RATING: G
CATEGORY: SA
SPOILERS: This Is Not Happening
KEYWORDS: Character dies, S/Sk Friendship
SUMMARY: Skinner helps Scully deal with her loss
ARCHIVE: Anywhere, as long as I know about it. :)
DISCLAIMER: I'm only borrowing - with thanks  from
1013. All characters will be returned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first ever completed piece
of fan fiction. I've been reading off and on for about
five years and wish to thank all fanfic authors out
there who selflessly lend inspiration. Also, excessive
thanks go to Heather, the Mega-Beta for being so
helpful and supportive. :) The story takes place
immediately preceding Mulder's funeral in Dead/Alive.
MSR is implied but not explicit and the story portrays
a Scully/Skinner friendship. Thanks for reading! All
feedback is welcome to: marjwill@yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHEN THE DISHWASHER BREAKS - by Marjorie

It hadn't been a small service, though the size of the
church made it seem so. Mostly co-workers, colleagues,
fellow law-enforcement types. No family. Very few
friends. It pained Scully to think that this is what
Fox Mulder's life had boiled down to: an unceremonious
death, and a funeral packed with acquaintances and the
curious. Many of the faces in the crowd she recognized
from the Bureau. Many of those she recognized as
people who didn't think much of Mulder or his work.
Their words lacked any sense of honesty or sincerity
and she wanted to slap the next person who came up to
her, took her hand and said "I'm so sorry, Dana".
Instead, she smiled weakly and muttered a "thank you".

The last few days had blurred by. Arrangements had to
be made and, while AD Skinner and Agent Doggett
offered their assistance, she instead took it upon
herself. The announcements, the flowers, which suit he
would wear, the visitation, the service, the burial...
In death it seemed there was more work than in life.
Soon it would be over and lives would move forward.
Rather, most lives would move forward. She failed to
see how she could continue along the same path she'd
been on all this time. It didn't seem right. When
Mulder was missing, she had had the hope of his
return. Now even that was taken from her.

She thought long and hard about what she would do. She
had a child to consider... her child... their child.
How could she return to work... to the X-Files,
risking her life in the name of a futile quest? But it
was a quest that meant everything to Mulder and it was
the quest that eventually took his life. She was
committed to finding the truth just as Mulder was but
she had already suffered so much loss. Her initial
reaction was to quit, settle down and raise her child
as a doctor in some small, out of the way town where
the only worry would be what to wear to the State Fair
on Saturday... no talk of alien invasion... no
autopsies to perform... no weapon to strap to her back
every morning. But to do so would mean ignoring all
that she had become. She was an investigative agent in
the FBI. There was no changing that. She had given up
a medical practice to work for the Bureau and, as much
as she disliked watching her partner suffer or being
shot at or being kidnapped (Mulder would say abducted...
but "po-tay-toes, po-tah-toes"), she liked her job. It
felt as though there was no other place for her.

Eventually, she had come to the conclusion to put off
her decision. She had too much on her mind to
influence what she was feeling and thinking. So she
would continue as well as she could and make up her
mind later. She told herself that was what was best...
it wasn't denial... it wasn't throwing herself into
work to ignore the pain underneath. And so what if it
was? If that's what she needed to do to get through
these next few months until the baby was born, she was
more than entitled.

She watched as the last few people left the church
parking lot. She had thought of hosting a gathering at
her place. That's what was expected but she couldn't
bring herself to do it. The funeral had been hard
enough without inviting uncaring strangers into her
home. That was akin to inviting their pity and that
was the last thing she needed. Instead, she had asked
only a few people back to her apartment. Her mom,
Skinner, Agents Doggett and Reyes, and, of course, the
Gunmen. She could trust these people. She knew they
were hurting as well as she. They had been of tremendous
support during Mulder's disappearance. Agent Reyes was
a special case. She and Scully had only just met but
Scully had felt a connection with her... Somehow Monica
reminded her of Mulder. And, of course, she had helped
find Mulder.

******

As she led her friends into her apartment, Scully
quietly took their coats and offered them seats.
Earlier in the day, her mother had arrived with
food... lots of food. It was as if she expected the
entire Bureau even though Scully had told her that it
would only be a few people. As Maggie busied herself
in the kitchen, Scully played the hostess and handed
out drinks of water, coffee, tea, soda... She wandered
about, thoughtlessly, taking care of the smallest
details - turning on lamps, turning off others,
cracking a window, watering her fern, tidying her
desk, laying out plates. A hand on her shoulder
stopped her.

"Agent Scully," Doggett said quietly. "Why don't you
sit? You've been on your feet all day. Your mom is
taking care of everything and as far as the rest of us
are concerned... well, we're pretty low maintenance."
He smiled.

As she moved to sit, the quiet conversation stopped.
It was exactly what she had been hoping to avoid. All
eyes on her... everyone expecting her to finally say
something - anything. Or for her to cry.

She glanced around at all the concerned faces. "I'm
fine," she lied.

A smile flickered on Skinner's face as he tried in
vain to calculate how many times he'd heard her say
those words.

"Look, I don't mean for this to be uncomfortable," she
continued. "I asked you here because I know that in
some way you're all invested in what happened to
Mulder and that you care about him in some way." She
was lying. She told herself she wanted them here so
they could move through their grief; so they could
talk about Mulder and celebrate his life. But the real
reason was far too weighty for her to be able to hide.

"I asked you here because you care about me," she said
quietly. She cleared her throat and willed the tears
away. "I wanted to thank all of you for what you've
done to support me and to help me find him. It means
everything to me."

Everyone was silent, fully aware of how difficult that
had been for her, yet proud she thought so much of them
to trust them with her feelings. Frohike, himself
shattered at Mulder's death, took it upon himself to
change the mood. To lift her spirits if only slightly
and if only briefly.

"Mulder's the only nerd I know who wears Armani."

Scully raised her head a little and slowly turned to
Frohike, a confused look on her face. "What?"

"Mulder's the only nerd I know who wears Armani," he
repeated.

"I heard what you said. You think Mulder's a nerd?"

"Mulder would be the prototypical nerd if he weren't
so good looking. Otherwise, he's a geek in every
essence of the word."

"He is not," Scully protested, mildly amused that
Frohike saw Mulder this way. Consider the source,
after all.

Frohike shifted and turned to face Scully head on, his
face serious. "Scully... Mulder knew every line of
dialogue from Planet Of The Apes, he used e-mail five
years before the rest of the world, he knew the term
'texture wrap' AND used it in a proper sentence, he
rarely went on a date and, on more than one occasion,
I saw him wear white socks with black shoes. That, my
dear, is what we call a 'geek'."

Scully sat stunned. Frohike was serious. So serious.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing as she realized how
true it was. "Mulder was such a nerd," she said
through her chuckles. "I guess it was all a part of
his charm".

That broke the spell. They moved from topic to topic
seamlessly as if this strange, diverse group somehow
belonged together. Skinner, the Gunmen and Maggie each
told stories about Mulder. Some were funny, some were
nostalgic, others added further proof of his
nerdiness. Agent Doggett and Agent Reyes, while never
knowing Mulder, felt perfectly at ease, enjoying the
stories and adding bits of information as they fit.
They ate and laughed and cried a bit. All in the name
of Mulder. Scully remained mostly quiet but was
intently listening to every detail, marveling at how
wonderful it was that Mulder was able to unite all of
these people. She knew that he was somewhere, watching
and protesting his new label. She absently rubbed a
hand over her swelling belly, silently thanking Mulder
for the thousandth time for his gift to her.

******

Agent Reyes was the first to go. She had to get back
to her assignment in New Orleans. When she stood,
everyone got up with her. She shook hands with Maggie
and Doggett and mentioned that it was nice to see
everyone. Scully walked her to the door.

"Thank you for staying," Scully said. "I know you
didn't know Mulder but I have a feeling he would have
liked you very much."

"You don't have to thank me, Dana. If there's anything
you need, just give me a call. I hope we can work
together again... and under better circumstances."
Monica smiled and pulled Scully into an impromptu and
gentle hug. Normally Scully would resist but she was
too tired and she knew that the sentiment was true.

Scully smiled. "Thank you Monica. Have a safe trip."

With a smile and a wave, Reyes left. As Scully closed
the door, she heard the immortal and unmistakable
words of Melvin Frohike... "She's hot."

The evening continued with stories, food, drink and
comfortable silences. Slowly, everyone started to file
out. Maggie and Skinner stayied behind to help clear
the dishes and put away the food. Maggie looked nearly
as exhausted as her daughter and Scully noticed her
yawn more than once as she fumbled with the Tupperware.

"Mom, why don't you go? You've done enough already. I
can take care of the rest of this."

"That's ok, Dana. I don't mind. You need your rest as
much as I do."

"Yes, but I don't have a 40 minute drive ahead of me.
Now, I don't want to hear an argument." Scully
imitated the speeches she used to hear as a teenager.
"I know what's best. You go home and rest."

Maggie smiled weakly and nodded as Dana started to
herd her towards the door. "Alright. I'll go. But I
don't want to hear about you staying up until all
hours cleaning up this mess. You've got another long
day tomorrow."

Tomorrow was the burial. That would be hard. Maggie
had made arrangements to drive Scully to Raleigh for
the short graveside service. They expected a fraction
of the people they saw today which was just as well as
Scully wasn't sure she'd be able to keep it together
as well as she did today. The burial process was the
last, final step to putting Mulder to rest. It meant
it was over and not a dream. She closed her eyes as
she considered the pain tomorrow would bring.

"I'll be fine, mom," she said, only half reassuringly.
"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Goodnight, sweetie." They hugged. "Get some
rest."

Skinner walked into the living room just as Maggie was
leaving. He motioned for his jacket but stopped when
he saw Scully. She was leaning against the door,
putting a little too much effort into keeping it
closed.

"Agent Scully... are you alright?"

She righted herself and blinked back the swell of
tears. "I'm fine."

He wasn't buying it. She could tell by the way he
looked at her. Could it be that he knows her secret?
That when she says she's fine, she's usually the
absolute opposite?

"I'm not buying it, Dana."

She had her answer.

Skinner walked over and put a hand on her shoulder.
"You don't have to lie to me. I can see that you're
not 'fine'. And it's ok to admit it."

She tensed under the pressure of his hand, breaking
the contact. She moved through the living room and
into the kitchen where she went to work on the pile of
dishes that Maggie hadn't gotten to. Like a robot, she
filled the sink with fresh, hot water and soap. She
picked up the sponge and a dish and started her chore,
all too aware of Skinner's eyes on her and the concern
they showed.

"If you're going to stand there anyway, you may as
well help by drying," she said.

He smiled and moved next to her. He glanced down and
noticed the dishwasher under the counter right next to
the sink. "Any particular reason you're not using the
washing machine for this?"

Thankful for any topic of conversation, Scully told
him all about the minor flood she'd had about a month
ago. The super mumbled something about a connection
being loose and a hose that wouldn't stay put and left
for "supplies", never to return. "I haven't gotten to
fixing it myself or tracking him down. Sometimes I
forget and load it anyway only to be reminded when I
step in a puddle."

"Handy," Skinner said in reply as he grabbed a plate.

They continued in silence, washing and drying the last
of the forks and spoons. He was just catching up the
end of the long line of dishes when she pulled the
plug on the drain. He watched her watch the water
spiral down, her hand clenching the sponge... tighter
and tighter. He looked at her face and saw the anguish
that she had been able to hide so well all day long.
As it threatened to pull her under, he set aside the
towel and the forks he held in his hand, his heart
breaking. He hated to see her like this, mostly, he
surmised, because it happened so infrequently. He
could only imagine the weight of her sadness that would
cause a break in her veneer like this. He'd watched her
tell him, stone faced, that she had cancer. She'd
related the story of how she'd found - and lost - Emily
and she hadn't shed a tear. She'd been though so many
triumphs and hardships and, while she'd always been
passionate, she'd always been composed. She was
quickly losing that composure now.

"I can't believe he's gone," she said through her
tears. "It's so unfair. I did everything I was
supposed to do... I searched for him, I prayed for
him, I never gave up hope. After all that's happened
to him and to me, how could God do this? Why?"

The questions came out one right after the other as
she twisted the sponge and closed her eyes as tight as
should could stand. Skinner let her be, allowing her
grief to wash over her. He knew that eventually she
would have to face it and let go of her pain. She'd
come close once or twice in his presence as they were
searching for Mulder but while there was still hope that
he'd be found alive, she wouldn't allow herself to give
into it. But now, he knew from experience... if she
didn't let go, it would drag her down and bury her along
side Mulder.

Scully's shoulders shook slightly as she gave in to
her emotion. She was so tired and so scared and so
many different things. She was only mildly aware of
Skinner's presence beside her and she didn't care.
That was a lie, she told herself. She was glad he was
there. He knew, more than anyone, what this loss was
to her. He felt it too. He felt responsible. He felt
he had let her down... let Mulder down. He was the
first to know about the baby. She'd told him after
he'd come to tell her about Mulder. She could see the
pain and the tears in his eyes then and she could see
them in his eyes now. Without delay and without
thought, she moved to him and put her head on his
chest, asking wordlessly for comfort and offering what
comfort she could in return.

He eased his arms around her and rested his chin on
the top of her head. The room was dead silent as they
held onto each other for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, Scully regained her awareness and pulled out
of the embrace, a touch embarrassed and very tired.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he replied. "You're allowed all of the
feelings you have, Dana. You don't need to apologize
to me for anything."

He moved closer to her, put his hands on her
shoulders, and looked into her eyes. "I know that
technically I'm your boss but I'd also like to think
of myself as your friend, Dana. I want you to know
that you can come to me for anything. Anything at all.
Even if it's to ask me to fix your dishwasher."

She smiled.

"I mean it," he continued. "You don't need to be
embarrassed because you're sad or because you need
someone. I know you care for Mulder deeply... probably
more than I could possibly realize. Maybe more than
you realize. I'm sad too. I wish more than anything I
could change what happened. I wish I could make this
go away and bring him back but I can't. It's up to us
to move on and to do that we need to face our
feelings, our thoughts, our fears head on. I *know*
that's what Mulder would want. You've got a lot of
changes headed your way. This baby is going to need
all of you. You won't be able to fake your way through
motherhood, hiding all of your feelings. You'll only
be a shell of who you are if you do that."

Scully smiled at the mention of the baby. She had
wanted this child so badly and had gone through the
emotional ringer in her attempts. She was about to
tell Skinner that never in her life had she cried as
much as she had this last year but she knew that he
was right. If she felt like crying, then she should
just do it. Lord knows her hormones would be conducive
to that inclination and right now she was just too
tired to fight the urge anymore.

"Thank you, sir," she said quietly as she moved into
his arms again, this time able to breathe. She truly
believed he understood and felt what she was feeling -
at least to some extent. And while there have been
times when she wasn't sure she could trust Skinner, he
had long since proven his reliability and his devotion
to the truth. He had been a great comfort to her since
Mulder disappeared, at times stepping into Mulder's
shoes in their fight against the world. He'd seen what
he'd seen and he wasn't going to deny it. He'd
ensconced himself fully in the role of the believer,
as had she. No one left on the earth could possibly
understand the things she'd seen and done except
Skinner. Suddenly, she no longer felt so alone. She no
longer felt shame in permitting someone to comfort her.
Having Skinner's arms around her allowed her to feel
safe and at ease... this, despite her loss. She felt as
though it were Mulder holding her. Or her father. And
she knew now that even without Mulder, she could go on.
She had to. For herself. For the baby. For Mulder.

END