BY C CHAFFIN

Category: MSR, Humor, Pure Fluff, no redeeming literary value

whatsoever

Rating: NC-17

Spoilers: No way!!

Disclaimers: CC would run a mile from MY Mulder and Scully...

Author Notes and Thanks: At the end!

Dedication: To my friend and writing partner, Tess - and

To the Listers of IWTB (they know who they are) - this

one's for you, Babies!

Summary: Never place bets on sex - Scully finds out the hard way.

"The Wager"
 
 

****************

One Week Earlier

****************

Turn the page.

Read. Giggle.

Another page.

Read. Giggle.

When she giggled for the third time and added a little snort for

good measure, he tossed aside the newspaper he'd been reading and

stared at her until she could feel his eyes dancing on her skin. She

looked up from her book, caught his stare with a slight frown, and

demanded, "What?"

"You're giggling." She raised one eyebrow in his general direction

at the bald statement.

"So I giggled. Occasionally, Mulder - I giggle." He shook his head

decisively.

"Uh-uh. You chortle. There's a difference, Scully - and this was

definitely a giggle. You must be reading something dirty. Lemme

see." He reached across the sofa and grabbed at the book in her

hand; Scully held it out of his reach and glared at him.

"Forget it! What I read shouldn't concern you, Mulder... and

besides, it's not dirty." This said in a very self-righteous, pious

tone. Mulder eyed her closely. Nope - he wasn't buying it. The

last time Scully giggled like that was when she'd accidentally read

some of the nasty limericks Frohike had emailed him. He knew a

Scully giggle when he heard one. He pushed closer, and almost

succeeded in getting the book away from her.

That's when she planted her foot in his abdomen...

"Ooof! Damn, that hurts! You are such a brat! Gimme that book!"

He leapt the length of the sofa, one hand rubbing his sore belly, and

landed flat upon Scully, pinning her and her wildly waving arm that

still held the book. He could have reached out and grabbed it

easily... but this was more fun. She bared her teeth at him, eyes

flashing and nose to nose with her much-heavier partner.

"Get. Off. Me. You don't have to know EVERYTHING about me, Mulder!

My choice of reading material is MY CHOICE!" She squirmed beneath

him; Mulder easily held her in place and just enjoyed the effect her

squirming was having on his body. He smiled down into her flushed

face.

"Keep doing that, Sweetheart; it's making me all tingly." Scully

gnashed her teeth in frustration and finally lay still, staring up at

him in surrender.

Playing possum.

Mulder wasn't born yesterday... he knew a ploy when he felt one.

Very slowly and carefully he edged his hand out toward her book,

still clutched in her hand. Keeping their eyes locked he drew her

attention away from the book by slipping his free hand up her tense

stomach and curling gentle fingers around her breast underneath her

shirt. She closed her eyes and licked her lips in reaction to his

touch. He kept her preoccupied with his caresses and strokes... and

when she least expected it, he pounced. His hand grasped the book,

pried it out of her fingers and he whirled away from her and scuttled

to the other end of the sofa, triumphantly holding his prize.

Scully lay where he'd left her, dazed for about five seconds, before

she raised herself up on her elbows and stared at him in irritated

disbelief as he started flipping through the pages.

"Mulder, that's not fair! I don't pry into your personal stuff!"

Mulder returned her angry look with a patient smile.

"That's because I'm an open book, Scully... what you see is what you

get." Her mouth dropped open in shock.

"That is SUCH a load of bull, Mulder! Don't even get me started on

all the secrets you keep from me. I don't want to go there, not

today. I just want to know why you feel the need to intrude on my

personal reading time." Mulder, busy scanning the pages of Scully's

book, barely heard her.

"God, woman! How can you read such tripe? For that matter... where

did you get it?" He flipped it closed and read the title aloud.

"The Stolen Passages of Love's Magnificent Destiny"... oh, don't tell

me. It's one of those stupid bodice-rippers. Come on, Scully - I

know you better than that. You did not buy this for yourself. Who

gave it to you?" Scully folded her arms and refused to reveal her

source.

"Somebody, Mulder. That's all you have to know." Mulder eyed her,

sitting at the end of the sofa with her arms crossed - and made a

stab-in-the-dark guess.

"Kimberly. She gave it to you, didn't she?" The faint blush

settling high on her cheeks told him he'd guessed correctly. Mulder

nodded to himself and looked back down at the paperback in his hands,

wondering aloud.

"Now, why would she give you a book like this, unless she'd found

something in the chapters of particular interest to you..." He

suddenly flipped quickly through the pages, stopping when he came to

a paragraph highlighted in bright yellow. With a victorious, "I KNEW

it!" - he began to read aloud. Scully sank down in her cushion and

moaned into her hands...

"'The captain walked on cat-like, poised feet toward his

unsuspecting quarry; the red-haired vixen they called Ruby. She knew

not that her destiny stole upon her, for she bent over the railing of

the mighty frigate and stared at the moon pleadingly, trapped in the

confines of her unwanted betrothal and wishing for a way - some way -

out of this dark coil of which she'd become embroiled'. Oh,

brother."

Ruby-haired vixen, huh? Well, right about now his ruby-haired

partner's *face* was as red as her hair.

Mulder snickered. Obviously this was one of those guilty little

pleasures that women always denied having - or needing, for that

matter. And Scully was embarrassed to have been caught reading this

silly thing... which only meant it got better and better...

Ooo, goody. He read on.

"'Captain Oak Brenton'..." He hooted at that. "Oak Brenton?

Jesus, what idiot thinks up these names?" Scully looked down her

nose at him and refused to answer. Still cackling, Mulder kept

reading.

"'Captain Oak Brenton was a tall, broad-shouldered blade of a man,

narrow of the waist and lean-flanked. A face of almost-perfection,

save the somewhat large, straight nose; wide full lips and white even

teeth... dark chocolate hair, thick and silky... dreamy, expressive

hazel eyes...' What the -"

Wait a minute.

Dark hair and hazel eyes...

Mulder read that again - and looked up at Scully - and saw the

continued flush of red on her face -

Oh, shit.

He quickly closed the book and turned it over, to look at the front

cover -

And there they were. On the cover, good God. It looked so much

like them it was damned spooky... Scully, and Mulder. Wearing the

frilly clothes of two hundred years ago, but unmistakably it could

have been them on the cover. The 'artwork' had a too-close-for-

comfort facsimile of him pressing his face against the almost fully-

bared breasts of a woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to

his partner; she had her hands curved around his neck and her body

arched back like a bow underneath his. A ship at sea was their

background.

Very lurid - very trashy.

Very erotic, seeing themselves like that...

"Jesus, no wonder Kimberly gave you this book to read! I'll bet she

got a big kick out of it!" Mulder dropped the book into his lap and

stared at Scully in shock. She nodded and scooted closer to him on

the sofa, still very pink in the cheeks.

"Yes, I believe she enjoyed it about as much as the bullpen admin

pool enjoyed it..." Scully smiled sweetly at his stunned face.

"Oh, fuck... you mean all those women...!" She nodded, and ran a

teasing finger across his lower lip.

"It made the bullpen rounds, Mulder... and now all those women

understand what it's like to be loved by Fox... um, I mean... Oak."

She laughed aloud at his horror.

Payback's a bitch, baby...

She fingered his lower lip again, and added, "I am the envy of every

one of those women, and all because of a book. So when Kimberly

offered it to me, dog-eared, finger-smudged and highlighted in all

the choicest places... of course I had to read it." Scully leaned

her arms comfortably on his chest and peered up at him, suddenly

enjoying the upper hand she held - one she didn't often have the

chance to get.

Mulder stared down into her devilish eyes, then over to the book

he'd tossed aside. What was it about these dumb things that got

women all lathered up? Even the intelligent women like Scully - they

read these with single-minded fascination, even if they did giggle -

well, chortle - over the words.

Even if it DID feature two characters who bore no small resemblance

to them...

He slowly picked up the book, Scully still leaning against him, and

flipped through it until he found another highlighted section. And

he read it aloud.

"'Against the satin pillow her hair glowed like the red sunset

outside their window and her heart beat fast under his muscled,

roving hand. Ruby panted as he deftly released her heavy perfect

globes to his lusty gaze, and moaned deep in her throat when he bent

his dark face and seized the tender bud, taking endless suckle at the

fount of her dewy breast.'" As he finished reading, Scully's giggle

vibrated against him. Mulder looked down at her in confusion.

"If you think it's silly then why in hell do you read it?" Scully

shrugged, looking thoughtful.

"Actually, I don't know. Probably because they DO say such silly

things - because of the way it's worded. I keep trying to imagine

body parts that look like that. You know... 'tender buds' and what-

not." Her cheeks were getting pink again.

Mulder noticed, and his grin was wide. "Well, they're silly, to be

sure... but what about terms such as 'rock-hard sword of lust'... or

'glistening pearl of womanly temptation'? If a man said that to you,

described your body in those terms... wouldn't you just laugh in

their faces? Scully?"

Scully didn't answer; too busy discovering that Mulder, her partner

and lover... must have read a few romance novels in his time.

Otherwise, how could he have so perfectly described a description she

herself recognized... from a book she'd only finished a week or so

past?

Her eyes widened, and she stared up at him, realization hitting her

up side the head. Why, that hypocrite! On top of the videos he

claimed he never watched she could add romance novels that he'd no

doubt attest to never reading. If only she could use it against

him...

And then she had a brilliant idea... and she smiled.

"Mulder, I have a little wager for you..."

Thirty minutes later they were naked and entwined on her bed,

fighting like mad to remain properly lust-filled and not break into

howls of laughter at the outrageous phrases they invented to describe

each others' body parts.

Sure beat wasting quality time reading goofy text from an equally-

goofy bodice-ripping paperback...

It was impossible to predict who would crack first, since they were

both very determined. Scully had set the rules, it being her wager...

they would each take a turn performing an intimacy of their choice on

each other, and as they did it they had to describe it - in such a

way as to make the other person laugh and break their concentration.

Whoever broke first forfeited - and the price tag was a cool five

hundred dollars.

Whoever came first, the moolah was theirs... as long as they'd

already made their partner laugh.

With that much money at stake Mulder was one determined guy. And he

knew exactly how he wanted to start.

Pressing Scully back into the turned-down bedcovers, Mulder's gaze

followed the slender lines of her body, touching her with first his

fingers and then mimicking the caress with his tongue. Swirling it

over each of her tight nipples, Mulder paid extravagant homage to her

lovely breasts...

"Oh, such hard, pebbled and yet delightfully sweet nubbins; pouting

at me like the rarest of flowers; I must suck them into my mouth and

slake my thirst like one who has slogged through a desert of want..."

Mouth full of Scullynipple, Mulder peeped up at her - to find his

partner staring down at him raptly, holding his head against her and

just about melting all over the mattress. Her low purr feathered the

hair at his temple.

"Oh, God... feels so good... not funny in the least, Mulder. But it

feels great. My turn."

And just like that she'd removed her nipple from the inside of his

mouth and had pushed him over on his back. Before he even knew what

was happening Mulder was belly-up in the wide bed with Scully

straddling his thighs and waxing poetic about the state of his

arousal.

Wrapping her hands around his penis, Scully gave him loving what-

for; she bent into him and slipped both tongue and lips everywhere,

leaving no spot of skin un-licked or un-kissed. And as she tongued,

she talked.

"This mighty man-root of love, standing proud as an oak and as hard

as the rarest marble... let me swallow your unyielding power and

swoon in ecstasy as you pump your hot, delicious essence into my

unworthy mouth..." Underneath her she could feel Mulder shaking.

Laughter, perhaps? She chanced a look into his face -

And there he was, biting his lip - but not to keep the laughter in.

He was trembling under the onslaught of her mouth and tongue. His

fingers twined through her hair and he pushed her face away gently,

shuddering when she let him go. His hoarse voice washed over her.

"Jesus, Scully... you could call it a PacMan Joystick and I wouldn't

waste my time laughing... as long as you never stop doing me like

that. Okay, move over." Mulder went from praising lover to all-

business bet-monger in about one second flat. And Scully caught the

sudden determination in his eyes.

Uh-oh...

This time he settled himself over her, skin to skin full-length.

Starting at her neck he pressed open-mouthed kisses all over her

shivering body, licking her with the flat of his tongue and then

spearing into the wet with the very tip. And as he licked, he let

her have it.

"How I crave a taste of your berry-sweet skin, sprinkled with a

fairy-dusting of the most velvety, downy hair... I long to slip my

hot tongue into a navel as delicate as the inner curl of a

seashell..." He lapped at her cute little belly-button; "Trace

along the curve of your fluttering belly..." Drawing patterns on her

soft skin with his tongue; "Until I reach my prize, that which I

desire most... nestled beneath a forest of silky nether-curls, a most

perfect trembling jewel of honeyed delight, quivering... calling to

me... I must have it - I must!" The last demanding 'must' buried

itself inside her as he managed between licks and bites, to call her

clitoris ridiculous things such as "Tiny Kumquat in the Garden of

Sensuality", and "Wet, Clinging Nodule of Joy"...

Scully had to clench herself from head to toe, to stop the laughter

from erupting from her trembling mouth. She gnawed on the inside of

her cheek and made herself concentrate instead on the matchless feel

of Mulder's mouth on her sensitive skin. But she had to hang on; if

she came before Mulder laughed, she'd forfeit. And there was no way

she was going to lose this money.

Mulder was going down, hard... in more ways than one.

When he let her go she was gasping, but not from a flaming desire to

laugh... she'd been holding herself tightly, willing her body not to

climax. Mulder was impressed; he'd given her his very best tongue-

job, and she hadn't broken. They faced off on the bed, on their

knees in the middle of it, two very aroused warriors who could barely

look at each other without cracking up.

One would end up laughing all the way to the bank - to withdraw the

other's winnings, and pocket the cash.

Mulder wanted to be The One... though technically he would win

regardless - five hundred bucks, or one hell of a come-fest. But it

was the principle of the thing - and he was greedy. So, he had

discovered, was Scully. But it was his turn... and he was going to

pull out all the stops.

He grabbed Scully around the waist and yanked her underneath him,

mind working furiously on the best way to proceed. She'd giggled

when those goofy names had been read aloud - names like 'rock-hard

sword' and 'glistening pearl'... maybe that was the key to it. The

smile he sent down into her face registered on her fogged-up senses

about one short second before Mulder slipped himself between her

thighs, and thrust all the way home... and whispered to her.

"I'm sticking MY Pee-Nee into YOUR Pee-Pee, little girl..."

Scully almost lost it then and there. She had to grind her teeth

together to hold back the laughter which clawed at her throat.

Goddamn him... 'Pee-Nee'? Only somebody as warped as Mulder could

think up a word like that...

Time to fight back. Cupping her hands around his cheeks Scully

pushed up hard, rocking back into him, and gritted out a suitable

rebuttal.

"Not before I suck your pulsing piston deep into my whirling

vacuum..."

Mulder made an odd gargling sound deep in his throat, but it wasn't

a laugh, dammit! Not a laugh...

And so the die was cast. They wound arms and legs around each other

as they moved together in a frenzy, throwing out each new phrase like

punches in a weird kind of boxing match - and somehow managing to

fuck each other mostly senseless in the process:

"My throbbing universal joint buried in your sweet, well-oiled

carburetor..." Jab.
 
 

"Your love pump digging down into my creamy cavern..." Slam.

"My spicy salami simmering in your melted cheese..." Thrust.

"Your woody nailing my planks..." Lunge.

Their arms trembled and their legs were getting cramped as they

pushed harder, each unwilling to give in. Sweat-soaked hair hung

over Mulder's forehead and he shook it out of the way as he stared

down into Scully's damp face; she had sucked her bottom lip into her

mouth and was biting like mad to keep the laughter in. Mulder was

debating whether or not he could hold onto anything much longer; he

was frantic to let go with either a belly-laugh from Hell, or the

biggest spurt of his life.

At this point either would be one serious relief.

With all his remaining resolve Mulder buried his face in Scully's

hair, lips up against her ear - and gritted out a breathless,

"Boiling Furburger!"

Her entire body went stiff - she took a huge gulping breath,

shoulders shaking - then she slipped a hand up his back, grabbed at

his hair and pulled his face from her neck until she could see his

face, and shouted hoarsely, " Bloated Weinerschnitzel!"

Mulder gasped, tightened all over, feeling the hysteria bubbling up

inside - as well as the granddaddy of all releases - and forced out

one last, desperate, "DRIPPING-HOT LOVE HOLE!!!"

Those words spun in the small space between their faces, mingled

with Scully's equally-desperate yell of, "PURPLE-VEINED COCK

ROCKET!!!"

And they lost it all - everything. The bed shook with the force of

their combined laughter; they collapsed against the damp sheets and

screamed with it. Still intimately joined, still wound tightly

around each other - each wondering if they'd even have the strength

to pry themselves loose - and each not caring all that much one way

or another.

They laughed and gasped and heaved with mirth, rolling all over the

bed in a tangle of exhausted arms and legs. Five solid minutes later

they managed to catch their breath. Mulder propped himself up on

wobbly elbows and gazed down into Scully's brightly-flushed face.

"Jesus, Scully - I think you about killed me with that last one.

Where in hell did you dredge that up from? 'Cock-rocket'?" She

snickered tiredly and leaned her head against his arm.

"I don't know, Mulder - from one of many stupid books I'd read over

the years. Doesn't matter. Somehow it suits you." She lay back and

ran a sleepy hand over his moist skin, adding, "So, tell me ... who

won? I can tell you didn't shoot, not with that loaded gun I can

still feel, buried deep... and I know for sure I didn't come. Where

does that leave our wager?"

Mulder dropped his head into her shoulder, breathing in the

delicious scent of Scullyskin, and thought about it.

"Well, I don't know about you but I'm too wiped out to aim properly,

Scully - I say we break even. Take the money and run..."

She turned her head on the pillow and gave him a sleepy kiss, then

murmured a question. "'Kay... where to?" Mulder snuggled her close

and drifted off with his lover pressed against him, and sighed into

her hair.

"I'll think of something..."

**************

One Week Later

**************

"Mulder, you're really outdone yourself this time. Where did you

find this place?"

Scully turned in a circle, taking in the exquisitely-appointed lobby

of the Dream Royale Inn. She had to admit that Mulder had done well

this time. When he'd first told her about this place, she'd laughed

at the rather tacky name and refused to listen further. When he'd

dragged her to the computer and pulled up the site, downloading

photos of fabulously-decorated rooms and five-star amenities... she

had changed her mind and allowed herself to be seduced, more or less.

Oh well, why not? They had five hundred dollars burning a hole in

their pockets and they deserved a long weekend away from it all. The

inn was located just outside Baltimore, an easy drive -

Mulder talked her into it just as easily.

They packed lightly, planning on spending the majority of their time

either in the king-sized bed they'd been promised, the oversized

jacuzzi tub they'd also been promised - or the semi-private pool

attached to every three suites. They even got a guarantee of

complete pool privacy; the hotel staff assured them of the adjoining

suites' vacancy. They had the entire wing to themselves...

They kissed passionately in the elevator, eager to start their

weekend and make up for the zaniness of the week before. Scully's

sides still ached faintly from laughing so hard. No doubt a nice,

hot jacuzzi soak would fix that right up...

They nuzzled and whispered to each other as they walked down the

elegantly-wallpapered corridor to their suite, hands touching warm

skin, eyes only for each other... and Scully reluctantly released her

hold on Mulder's bottom lip, long enough for him to fumble with the

key. As she waited, Scully ran an appreciative hand down the

mahogany woodwork framing the door to their suite... what a fabulous

place; she could hardly wait to get Mulder inside, and strip him down

to bare skin...

Then her eyes fell on a small brass plaque mounted under the

peephole on the door - and her disbelieving eyes read it, then she

spun on her heel and approached the door opposite theirs, and read

the little brass plaque mounted there as well. By the time Mulder had

managed to get the key in the lock and turn it, Scully had read the

plaques on three doors and was gasping out loud, advancing on her

partner with murder in her eyes.

"MULDER! How COULD you? You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

Mulder stared at her in complete confusion.

"What? Scully, what's wrong? I didn't do..." Her pointing finger

stabbed at the little plaque on their door, and with a shrug Mulder

leaned to read it.

Ten seconds later he had slumped against the wall, laughing his ass

off. His partner was not amused... yet. He peered up at her with

overflowing eyes, holding both hands out to her pleadingly, shoulders

shaking as he protested, "Scully, honest to God... I had no idea! I

didn't plan this! You've got to believe me..."

Scully sighed and allowed her anger to drain away, to be replaced by

amusement, as she leaned into his chest and the giggle bubbling up

inside her jarred her still-aching ribs. She huffed into his neck,

"I believe you, Partner. Not even you could dig up something this

coincidental..." And she turned her head to peer at the brass

plaque, reading again the name of the room they'd be sharing for a

long, pleasure-filled weekend.

'Sensual Boudoir of Xanadu'... which adjoined, respectively,

'Pleasure-Trove of Earthly Delights', and 'Wild, Wanton Jungle

Bower'...

Scully had a feeling she was going to like this place.

end

NOTES AND THANKS:

With all the pain, suffering and angst, not only on the show but in

a lot of recent fanfic (an unfinished fic of mine included) I had to

break away from it and write something just plain silly... and it all

started on IWTB with a couple of goofy descriptions of body parts.

Then my writing partner and IWTB buddy Tess unwittingly made a

challenge - and I could not resist. Writing this in mid-post-

colonizational novel-creating has really helped me blow off steam -

and I persuaded Tess to take a break from it as well and do a fast

beta. Plus, she graciously supplied some of the names...

I'm not telling which ones. Thanks, Tess! And thanks, IWTB... just

for being you!

And, by the way - I'm claiming my "Pee-Nee" bonus points!