Subject: X-Filed 4/15/95
 
To: Agent F. Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigations
>From: Agent Norman Howland, Internal Revenue Service
Date: April 16, 1995
 
 
Dear Agent Mulder:
 
There seem to be some irregularities in your 1995 Itemized
Deductions for Business Purposes.  I would appreciate
meeting with you on April 20 to review your return.  This
is an informal proceeding  Please bring your records and
any other information which may be useful in assessing
the veracity of your recorded deductions.  I can be reached
at . . .
 
"Shit"
"Mulder?"
"I'm being audited."
*********
"Agent Mulder, so nice to meet you."
"Well, we do strive to maintain the best relations between
the offices of the executive branch. "
"No doubt.  Now, let's get right to business.  To be honest,
when I reviewed your itemized deductions and other records
I had some questions . . ."
"I did add them right, didn't I?"
"Oh, your arithmetic isn't in question, however I'm not sure
that this trip is actually relevant . . ."
"Which trip?"
"The deduction you took last February for the trip to the
Caribbean?  I believe you note it as continuing education
relating to voodoo practices, and that you've affixed food
and lodging for the regular business deduction?"
"That's a problem?  I can show you the doll I made for my
final."
"Errr, yes.  And how about this trip to Puerto Rico, you show
expenses deducted for, hmm, a $750.00 set of camping gear
and travel expenses for air fare?"
"Well.  Yes.  That was within the ambit of my professional
researches, umm, relating to an investigation of missing U.S.
personnel at a telescope.  I can show you their death certificates
if that would help?"
". . .  Maybe later.  And the deductions for memberships in
professional organizations, well, I understand the American
Psychological Professional Association, but what is MUFON?  I
couldn't find them in the professional registries?"
"Well, that, yes.  I maintain a number of, er, job-related
information sources and that is one of my valued sources."
"Agent Mulder, what I found lists them as a crackpot
organization."
"I'm FBI, we have to keep tabs on potential terrorists!"
"Is that why you are deducting for your subscription to,
hmmm, The Lone Gunmen?"
"Very perceptive."
*sigh*
"Let's come back to your business and professional deductions
later.  Maybe your medical expenses?  Now what about this
$12,000 bill for an experimental course of anti-virals . . ."
 
********************
 
"Mulder, where have you been?  You look terrible!  I haven't
seen you in days."
"We don't need to worry about alien invasions Scully.  They'll
take one look at the IRS and run."