Rating:  PG-13 to R depending on how offended you are
by some nasty words
Spoilers:  Lots of them.  Have fun finding them
Category:  Mulder POV, THE TRUTH
Disclaimer:  The characters of The X-Files belong to
CC, 1013 and FOX and are used without permission.  No
copyright infringement is intended.  Thank you for
letting me borrow them for this story.  The lyrics to
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE also used without permission.
Archive:  Anywhere, just let me know.
Note from the author: This is my first attempt at
fanfic.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the thousands of
stories other authors have written and goodness knows
I'm no writer but there were just some things I needed
to get out of my head. Never in the history of
television have any characters ever influenced or
affected me in the manner that Mulder and Scully have.
Theirs is a partnership the likes of which few of us
will ever know.  I will miss them.
Special thank you to my e-buddies Karen and Chris for their help
and to Vickie for helping me get this posted.
Feedback:  iluvxf@hotmail.com
 
 
 
 

You only live twice or so it seems
One life for yourself and one for your dreams
You drift through the years and life seems tame
Till one dream appears and love is its name
 
 
 
 
 

MILITARY BRIG: MULDER'S CELL

The guard keeps asking me what I'm thinking, and I
tell him.  The only thing I've been thinking about for
months.  "My son, his mother."

"Wrong answer!" the asshole yells back at me whacking
that damn club on the wall over my head making me
flinch. Pain from our last encounter comes back to
haunt me.  They've been very careful to make sure any
damage they inflict is hidden under this designer jump
suit I'm wearing.

"Now, what are you thinking?"

I really don't know what the hell he expects me to
say. "What is it you want from me!"

"Wrong answer!"

I see the club coming toward my head and somehow
manage to grab it before he knocks me senseless.  We
wrestle with it.  It's all I can do too keep the ape
from choking me.  He has the stick pressed against my
windpipe and I am gasping for breath by the time he
finally lets go.  Walking out and slamming the door
shut.

No, you fool; it's the right answer.  Scully and
William have been my only constants.  They are the
dream I have been living in the loneliness that has
become my life.  I have spent months taking those few
hours we spent together and creating a whole life.

I know Scully didn't believe me that day we stood in
the Peacock's pasture and I told her that someday I
wanted a life like that. To be able to live a quiet
life in a small town without a care in the world; just
like living in Mayberry.  She may have looked at me
with that "yeah right" expression but a little part of
me really did want that and when William was born I
almost believed it could happen.  This belief
sustained me.  I don't know what was harder, her
asking me to leave or me making the decision to
actually do it.  In all the years we had been together
I firmly believed that we were always stronger
together than we could ever be apart.  But between
what I was being told about the threat to my life, and
how much Scully kept insisting, that being safe and
apart was preferable to being separated forever by
death, against my better judgement, I left.  The truth
was none of us were safe and if we were ever to have a
life together I had to find a way to destroy that
which threatened us.

I came here certain I had the key that would unlock
the door to my future. One that would open the way to
the truth I believed I still needed to find.  A truth
that would vindicate me, proof that what I'd been
saying all these years was not the ravings of a
lunatic.   I don't want to believe in what I now know
to be true.  The hopelessness is overwhelming.  But in
William, Scully had given me a stake in the future;
one in which I was determined to make better for my
son.  William would always know his parents loved him.
He would never have to question his origins or fear
for his own safety.  And he would live in a world
where the truth would be something you knew without
question, not something you had to expose.

Sometime while I was 'dead' Scully had become a
believer.  Suddenly we were on the same page in our
belief not only in the existence of extraterrestrials,
but in the absolute certainty of a threat to our very
existence.   She knows for certain that what happened
to me when I was abducted had nothing to do with
government testing on humans.  There is no technology
on earth that could perform those tests and allow me
to survive them.  I wonder now if any of us can
survive.  She told me, shortly before William was born
that I had given her a gift,  'the courage to
believe'.  I wish I could say I had that courage now

~*~*~*~*~*~

These guys are good.  I am weak and disoriented from
lack of sleep. I don't even know what day it is;
lucidity is a thing of the past.  Between the drugs
and the pain I honestly don't know how much more of
this I can take.  The years are starting to catch up
with me and I'm not that arrogant, do or die G-man I
used to be.   Hell, I'm not sure what kind of man I
am.

The younger me who arrogantly crusaded for the truth
at all costs no longer exists.  Things have changed.
A stranger has stepped into my life and made herself
the most important thing in it. The ever yielding
truth seeker, I was once willing to sacrifice it all,
my career, my reputation, my relationships even my
life in this passionate quest for the truth.  In my
arrogance I thought it was only me 'they' were out to
destroy.  Putting an end to my work and discrediting
me because I was the loose cannon who refused to play
by the rules.  I *HAD* to know the truth.  Well, I
know the truth now, and it's more frightening than I
ever imagined.

On a crisp December day 10 years from now humanity as
we know it will cease to exist.  If our destiny is
preordained, just what is the point of being the hero?
Cassandra Spender once told me at a point in my life
when I no longer believed in my cause that "I" was the
only one who could stop this and I denied her.  Just
like I denied everyone else who rallied to my cause
including Krychek who called me his 'friend'.  Fool
that I was I was only concerned in my own personal
cause.  I spent a lot of time making enemies when I
should have been gathering forces.  They weren't
afraid of me, I was nothing more than a headache to
them, and I certainly did nothing to stop them then
and I don't know of anything within my power to stop
them now.  In a sickening revelation I came to
understand that instead of using my work to expose
their insidious crimes against humanity, they had used
me to perpetuate their lies. I had unknowingly become
an accessory to the crime.  Perhaps I am a guilty man.
But then I think of William.  The only truly good
thing I've done in my life, and I know that as long as
I live and breathe I will find a way to change what is
to come.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The sound of the door makes me jump.  I don't know if
it's the cold that makes me tremble, or that my nerves
can no longer take the abuse.  They are wearing me
down with drugs and physical torment.

"What are you thinking?"

That fucking guard is back hovering over me and
pounding that damn club in his palm.  My ribs ache.
Breathing is something I now do in shallow breaths.

I can't think anymore you idiot.  Between the drugs
and the lack of sleep who could possibly think?   The
room spins, lifting my head off the floor takes just
about all the strength I have. "What should I be
thinking?" I ask him.

"You're a guilty man.  You entered a government
facility illegally in search of non-existent
information."

Oh the information exists you fool, I've see it and if
you knew what you were really protecting here and
who's orders you were following to do so you would be
as scared to death as I am.  But being drugged and
beaten senseless by this idiot won't help anyone and
it's certainly not why I risked coming here.  Nor was
being stripped of everything of value I have left, my
clothes, my mind, and my self-respect.  So as I lie
here on the floor naked, bruised and exhausted I do
the only thing I can think of to put a stop to this
torture, I confess.  "Yes."

"You failed in every respect."

"Yes."

"Say it!" he yells and raises that damn club...

I no longer have the strength to defend myself; I
throw his words back to him.  "I'm a guilty man.  I
failed in every respect.  I deserve the harshest
punishment for my crimes."

He looks at me now with a smirk of triumph and turns
and walks away slamming the door and leaving me here
naked and cold in the dark.  He may think he's won the
battle but the war hasn't even started yet.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

A confession, is all they really wanted from me
anyway.  The part of my brain that's still cognizant
knows that they don't have much of a case without the
body of the man I killed. Yeah, I told them I was
guilty but I won't tell them what I know.  Hell, how
can I tell anybody this...to know that the future of
mankind doesn't exist beyond a decade?  To know there
is no future for any man, woman or child on this
planet?  Maybe what I've stepped into here is not just
an opportunity to get answers but the opportunity to
finally expose the entire project, and beat them at
their own game.

Am I a fool to believe there is still some way to stop
this?  I've spent the greater part of the last ten
years on a single-minded quest for the truth.   I
wanted answers to all my questions, I wanted to rat
out all the men who worked in the shadows, and I
wanted to expose all their lies to the public and I
was damned if I'd let anybody get in my way.  Yeah, "I
wanted".  Well this isn't just about me as someone
once told me.  It's about all those men, women and
children I mentioned before.  Our fate has been
scripted, and the countdown clock is running out.
 

MILITARY BRIG: HOLDING CELL
 

When Scully put her arms around me I think my heart
stopped.  I couldn't hug her back, not without some
ramifications for myself and probably her as well.
Despite what a lot of people have thought over the
years, I've never had a death wish.  And right now I
want nothing more than to put my plan in motion and
get myself out of here and back to her and William and
whatever life we have left to spend together.  I've
gotta play their game if I'm going to make this work.
I may have told them I had failed, but I'm not willing
to admit that to myself just yet.

Neither her nor Skinner knew what to make of me.  I
told them both I understood the charges, that I did in
fact break into the facility under false pretences and
murder a man in the process.   And the good man that I
am, I am ready to face those charges.  Scully looked
at me with disbelief.  I'm sure I frightened her with
my lack of intensity. She looks different somehow.
Confused and disoriented like a frightened animal. Not
at all the strong independent woman I knew.  Something
has changed her and it frightens me too.

Skinner told me I had a right to a lawyer and due
process of the law.

That's what I'm counting on Skinman, only I don't want
THEM to know that.

Scully tried to tell me they would get me out of here
but all I could do was look at her puzzled face and
tell her I was guilty.  And perhaps I am, but not of
murder.  If I'm guilty of anything it's in believing
in the possibilities.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

"There are always possibilities," Spock said.  And I
have always been a firm believer in them though right
now I'm not sure I understand what's happening.  Even
after a shower and shave and a half dozen Advil I can
hardly stand upright.  Had Scully hugged me any harder
she would have known that something else was wrong
besides my odd behavior and she doesn't need to know
what they did to me in here.  I want to blame this on
the drugs that I know are still in my system but I've
had a visitor of sorts.  And the strange thing is is
that I saw him before I was caught which means it's
probably not the drugs; it's something else.  He seems
to want to help me, and I can't for a minute think of
why he would. This vision of Krychek has shaken me.
It's bad enough that I can still sense people's
feelings and I know that there is something bothering
Scully immensely but now I'm seeing ghosts?

I know the guy's dead; Skinner gunned him down right
in front of me a year ago.  At the time he wanted to
kill me, now he wants to help me?  Skinner once told
me not to forget who my friends were.  Krychek is the
last person I would call a "friend" and yet when I
asked him why he was here he said, "Because you can't
do this alone." Krychek disappears as I think about
his comment and the big moron of a guard hauls me out
of the cell before I have a chance to ask.  Do what
alone?
 
 
 
 
 
 

MILITARY BRIG:  MULDER'S CELL
 

I'm beginning to loose track of time and days.  I have
no idea how long they have held me here.
Everything aches and sitting her on the cold floor
doesn't help.  God, I feel old.  I had a lot of time
to think out there in the desert.  Not only about what
I've given up, but what a fool I'd been in doing it.
I think I had the answers all along.  They'd been
given to me over the years in cases and in experiences
that people like Deep Throat, and X and yes, even
Krychek had led me too.  I had all the pieces right
there in the X-Files and had I put them all together
like little Kevin Morris's pictures, I would have
found the truth.  It would have been as clear to me as
Ruby's picture only I was just too caught up in my own
anger and self-pity that I couldn't see it.

I'm jolted out of my contemplation by the cell door
opening.  Jesus, what do they want from me now?   I
stand and face the wall; looking out through that
porthole they call a window and wait for them to haul
me off somewhere .  But instead I know its Scully
who's stepping into my cell.  I can smell her, that
scent that is unmistakably Scully and one that I will
never forget.  Soft and wanting and I can't help but
do something she will hate me for.  "I smelled you
coming Clarisse," I say as I turn to look at her. She
is here again with Skinner.  They both look at me like
I've finally gone over the edge and then I laugh.

I see confusion again on her face and perhaps a bit of
anger.  She's not mad, just shaken, "Jesus, Mulder"
she says and casts a glance at me that says it wasn't
funny.  You're right Scully; none of this is funny.

The guard has left us this time and I'm at her side in
two strides.  I caress her face and find her lips with
mine.  It has been so long and I start to shake again,
not from cold or fear but from longing. God I missed
her so much. Why the hell did we wait 7 years to make
our feelings known to each other?  She kisses me back
but there is desperation and fear in it and something
else that's coming off of her in waves.  An ache so
deep it is painful.  I pull back to look at her
questionably but she doesn't acknowledge me, just
pulls me back into the kiss.  I'm okay, Scully but
you're scaring me.

I look over at Skinner who's been trying to look
indiscrete while Scully and I were "reuniting".  I
make to hug him.  "Come here you big bald beautiful
man"

"The only thing you're going to be kissing, Mulder, is
your sweet ass goodbye.  The trouble you're in."

I know I'm in trouble sir but I I'm pretty damn sure I
know a way out.

Scully looks concerned when I mention the fiftieth
brainwashing session.  I think she understands now
what happened in our first encounter.   The front I'm
putting on and what I'm really trying to do are two
different things.  I know what I'm doing...I think.

"Why are they doing this too you?"

"They think they're preparing me for my trial.  For my
testimony."

They have my confession, my admission of guilt, by
stripping me of my tenacity and self-respect they
figure I'll give up.  They're afraid of what I know,
or what they believe I know.  If they insist on trying
me for this mythological murder, all their secrets
will be exposed.  I couldn't have killed a man who
can't die; they can't produce a body because this
man's not dead.

She insists on getting me the best lawyer.

Oh Scully, no lawyer in this land would defend my
case; I look at Skinner... "Skinner can defend me."   I
swear I heard his jaw hit the floor and then the
cavalry shows up only this time they aren't here to
save the day.  They're here to inform us the military
has Knowle's body and I come to the realization that
the key I was given was not the key to my salvation,
but the key to my condemnation. I take it back, I have
no idea what I'm doing and I suddenly realize the
utter futility of what is about to happen.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

It's sometime later and the door slides open again.  I
expect it to be Scully but instead Skinner walks into
my cell.  I struggle to get up off the floor and he
comes over to give me a hand up.

"You alright?"

I straighten up stiffly, "Their powers of persuasion
are biblical." I wave off his questioning glance and
try and walk it off.  "Where's Scully?"

"She doesn't know I came back to talk to you."

I look him in the eye "Talk to me about what, my
'trial'? I say sarcastically,"

"Mulder listen, there are things you don't know,
things that have happened in the past months.  You
have no idea how hard it was for her.  I think she
pretty much gave up hope of ever seeing you again.
There was no way to contact you.  We didn't know if
you were dead or alive."

I don't like his tone.  It's like he's trying to
apologize for something.  The apprehension I feel in
him makes me angry.   "What the hell are you talking
about?  The guys had a way to get in touch with me,
Scully knew that."

"The Gunmen are dead, but that's not the worst of it."

I close my eyes.  In my mind I picture those three
goofs, more paranoid than I ever was, shouting the
truth for years.  Publishing stories about aliens and
government injustices and still nobody listened.  Were
these three more lives that could have been saved if
Krychek had finished me off in that parking garage?
It would have been a blessing.  I am certain now that
my search for the truth is not worth the price it has
cost me.   I exist, while everyone around me has been
silenced, sentenced instead to a fate worse than
death.

I open my eyes again to find Skinner looking at me
like he's expecting me to say something.   "Is that
what's bothering Scully?  I knew something was wrong,
just like I can feel it from you.  What happened to
the guys?"

"You can still read minds?"

"No, if I could I wouldn't be asking, just tell me
what happened."  I'm not sure I want to know.

He begins to explain how they got themselves involved
in the search for a man thought to be carrying a
deadly virus.  Shit, another virus or perhaps 'THE'
virus.  How they ended up finding him at a Bioethics
Forum where representative from the medicine, academia
and the government had gathered.  It sounded like
another 'test' only this time it wasn't the general
public; it was highly educated officials who would
have been able to prevent the spread of the virus.
The guy made a break for it and would have escaped to
infect thousands had the Gunman not cornered him.
They died to protect the public. "They were set up."

Skinner lets out a sigh.  "I think so, but they didn't
die in vain Mulder.  Their deaths had a purpose."

"They died because they were associated with me.  It
was an effective way of cutting off my last link to
both Scully and the truth; someone is still
eliminating chess pieces.  The game hasn't ended."
 

~*~*~*~*~*~
 

If I was angry before, I am furious now.  It was never
supposed to be like this, people dying for my cause.
What the hell is my cause anyway?  It all started with
Samantha and just snowballed from there.  All I ever
wanted to know was what happened to her that night.
Was that too much for a boy who is now a man to ask?
Little did I know all those years ago what her
disappearance would set in motion.

There was a time I believed I knew the truth.  My
memories of her abduction were so vivid.  All I had to
do was prove the existence of these alien beings and I
could prove what happened to her.  If she had been
taken by a force we couldn't explain then there was
always hope.  Well I don't have much hope in anything
these days. I know what happened to her now and that
knowledge has done nothing other than to prove that
the truth was something I couldn't accept.  What I
ended up finding in my search for my sister was not
resolution but evidence of the utter futility that is
life.  Birth and death and the shit that happens in
between, there has got to be a reason for the shit.
Maybe the aliens are looking for the same thing we
are.  The reason why.

I'm suddenly reminded of a scene from PLANET OF THE
APES... "Don't go looking for it Taylor.  You might not
like what you find."  I don't like it one bit.  This
so called battle for heaven and earth comes with too
high a price.  It has left Scully with physical scars
she will carry her lifetime.  And though mine have
faded, I am left with an emotional trauma I can't seem
to fight my way out of.  Is this our destiny?  This
constant battle that we can't seem too ever win?  I
don't want to give up the fight but I'm so damn tired.

Skinner senses I've zoned out on him.  I feel
exhausted. I can imagine how I must look.  His words
now are spoken softly like he's speaking to a family
member of a crime victim. "Mulder, there's something
else.  Something you need to know because neither
Scully nor I understand this plan of yours and I think
that after you hear what I have to say then maybe
you'll let us in on it."

What the hell is he talking about?  All this walking
on eggshells around me just infuriates me more.  They
all act like I've gone fucking mad and they're afraid
to tell me anything.  I'm shaking with rage and he
puts his hands on my shoulders to still me.

"Maybe you should sit down."

I brush him off angrily and walk away.  "I don't need
to sit down."  If anything I want to tear something or
somebody apart.

"This has to do with William."

I freeze in my pacing and glare at him.  So help me if
he let something happen to my son I will kill this man
with my bare hands.  Maybe I have gone fucking mad.

Skinner senses I'm about to explode.   "He's OK
Mulder, but Scully came to a decision."

I can feel him turning thoughts over in his head,
trying to figure out how to tell me something he knows
will be devastating.

"Things happened that were beyond her control.  She
couldn't get in touch with you after that fiasco in
January."

"What the hell happened with my son?"  I can't stand
this anymore I'm so damn tired. "Just fucking tell
me!"

He looks me in the eye, there is such sadness in his
gaze and a sudden chill passes over me. Then he just
blurts it out. "She gave him up for adoption."

I just stare at him for a moment, trying to comprehend
what he has just said and then it hits me, I no longer
have a son.  My knees give out and I find myself on
the floor.  Skinner gets down on one knee and puts a
hand on my shoulder.  "It was the only way to keep him
safe."

I can hardly speak. "From what?"

"From everything.  Mulder, I don't know where to
start."

My voice comes out barely a whisper.  "Just tell me."

"William is a miracle in more ways then one Mulder.
He's a very special child, more so than Gibson I
believe.  As small as he is he can do things with his
mind.  And I think in a way Scully was frightened by
it.  There were others who knew about it too.  He was
kidnapped by a cult who thought that because of his
powers he was the one who would lead aliens in the
colonization of the planet.  They believed he was
alien.  She chased half way across the country to find
him."

The idea that all this went on while I was dreaming of
our 'normal life' in the desert makes me sick.  There
I sat doing what amounted to nothing while Scully was
going frantic with worry.   "Didn't anyone help her?
Why didn't anyone contact me?"

"We all helped her but she didn't really trust anyone
Mulder, you taught her that.  They wanted you dead.
She can't bury you again."

I put my shaking hands over my face.  In all the
rationalization I went through when Scully asked me if
I would father her child.  In all the pain she went
through when she carried him and in the terrifying
circumstances of his birth I never for a moment
thought that any of the decisions we made were wrong.
She, we, had a miracle.  A life that was a part of
both of us, something that made all the sacrifices we
had made worth it.

I don't know why I say 'father' because Scully never
asked me that.  She needed a donor and while I was
flattered, I was also a little taken aback.  Yes, we
were more than friends and had been so for some time
but neither of us made any notions about commitments.
And this to me was the ultimate commitment.   I
decided that if I was going to do this for her she
needed to understand that the child would be as much
mine as it was hers whether we spent the rest of our
lives together or not.  It was a responsibility I was
willing to share.  I was never sure she felt the same
way but I had taken so much from her; this was one
thing I could give her back.  Instead I gave her only
more grief.

"When?" is all I can say.

"About a month ago.   Jeffery Spender showed up, he
was adamant that William's life would always be in
danger as long as he was with her, that she, neither
of you could protect him."

The mention of Jeffrey's name snaps me out of my
mourning.  "Spender!"  Another dead man.

"Mulder, listen."

"No, you listen!  Suddenly with strength I no longer
thought I had I'm on my feet pushing Skinner back
against the filthy wall of my cell.  "How the hell
could you let her do this?"  The anger I feel is not
for me.  William was all Scully ever wanted and now
they'd forced her to give him up.  I grab Skinner's
lapels and shove him back against the wall again. "Why
would she listen to him? Why would she believe him?"

For Skinners part he lets me take out my rage on him.
"Listen Mulder, you have no idea what it's been like
for her, for any of us.  She lived in fear for that
child's life from the moment you left, you wouldn't
have recognized her."

I step back, leaving him to straighten his clothing.
I don't recognize myself either.  It's all suddenly
becoming very clear.  Divide and conquer the oldest
strategy in the book.

"When she sent for you in January and after what
happened in the quarry she knew that they would always
use William to get to you.  And then it wasn't just
them; it was everybody, thinking he was some kind of
savior.  And then Spender showed up, you should see
what they've done to him Mulder. He tried to convince
Scully that you had sent him, that he was here to help
her.  He injected William with something, into his
brain"

I am suddenly hit with a flashback, of SBG standing
over me in the psych ward and the searing pain that
lanced through my brain with whatever was in that
hypo.

"He said it would render him normal, he would live a
normal life now.  That's what she wanted for him
Mulder.  A normal life, one she was sure she could
never give him.  She did what she thought was right."

I walk away from him and put my palms against the far
wall, look down at the floor.  I feel the bile rise in
my throat and I choke it down.

"With the Gunmen gone, we had no way of contacting
you."

"They'll still find him."

"I can only assure you he is safe Mulder.  You have to
trust me on that."

 Suddenly I can't bear to have anyone around me. "Get
out." I tell him.

"Don't blame her for this Mulder.  No one else could
understand how she could come to this decision.
You're the only one who would understand. You need to
tell her it was right."

"Why me?  Why us?"

"I don't know Mulder.  Maybe because there's something
more important you're supposed to do."

I look up at the black ceiling, fighting tears.  It's
not right.

As Skinner leaves my cell I slide down the wall and
sit staring into the nothingness because that's all
there is now, nothing.  What could be more important
than being a parent?  A few hours ago I was prepared
to put these men in their place. But now I know we
can't win.
 
 
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 

I must have fallen asleep on the floor or I'm dreaming
because I'm jostled awake by words that have always
been a comfort to me.  "Mulder, it's me."  I sit up,
trying not to wince at the stiffness that envelops my
whole body.   And though these words had always been a
lifeline they now come from a woman I don't recognize.
This woman who has always been so strong is here
before me fearful of what's about to happen.  She
wants me to tell her everything, to confide in her my
plan so we can finally claim a victory in the battle
we have waged together.   I have to tell her something
I know she doesn't want to hear.  "We can't win,
Scully.  All we can do is hope to go down fighting."

I frighten her with these words.  This is not what she
has come to expect from me but she doesn't understand
the magnitude of what I know.  I think about what
Skinner told me and I will not let her lose the last
person she believes in, herself.   I'm drawn from my
own melancholy with her words  "I'm scared I've got
you back and that now I 'm going to lose you again."
God, I don't want to lose her either.  The need to
feel her is too much and I find myself wrapped around
her, holding tightly to the only person I believe in,
Scully.   She sobs as she tells me about giving up
"our" son and that she feared I would never forgive
her.  I'm wracked by a chill this same fear gives me
and she hugs me tighter.  I have to tell her I
understand even though some part of me never will.

I don't really know at what point William became
"ours" in Scully's eyes.  Perhaps from his conception
and the front she put up was because she was afraid I
didn't see him that way.  She didn't want to be the
one to ground me even though that had been her job
back in the early days of our partnership.  Suddenly
I'm standing in my hallway confessing to her tear
laden eyes that I owe her everything and she owes me
nothing.  I owe her my life, my sanity and my heart,
why could she not see that?

She asks me where I've been hiding the past year,
where I've been since she insisted I take the advice
of someone neither of us trusted and save myself.
What I tell her is a lie. I haven't been looking for
the truth, I've been hiding from it and right now I
hate myself for it.  The unspoken communication we
have always shared is my undoing.  She knows I have
information that could vindicate me.  But I refuse to
tell her.   Oh Scully, this is so much bigger than the
both of us.  So I do what I always do, I ask her to
trust me.
 
 

DESERT MOTEL TWO DAYS LATER:
 

In the past few days I have truly lived through hell.
It's not a pretty picture when you see your life
paraded before you as a culmination of death and
useless information.  Nothing that I have done for the
past 10 years had any merit nor do I have one single
ounce of proof to anything I claim.   I wasn't on
trial; I was the subject of an elaborate joke.  They
should have just taken me out and shot me and in the
end I told them so.  It would have saved a lot of time
and embarrassment.  It wasn't so much that I had been
made a fool of, what bothered me more was that
everyone who came to my defense was made a fool of
too.  A fool who believes in his folly becomes wise.
And I am a much smarter man today.  I did believe that
I could expose these men.  I thought they were afraid
of what I knew and if they insisted on prosecuting me,
in order to prove my guilt they would have to expose
themselves and the world would know their secret.  It
didn't take me long to realize the foolishness of that
idea.  The world would never know.  There would be no
record of what happened in that courtroom just like
there were no records to support what I claimed and
when I was dead, there would be no record I even
existed.   In the end, after years of hard work I was
to be put to sleep like some old useless dog.

Is that the fate of all men who chose to fight for
what's right?   And who am I to choose what is right?
At what point does the right to know become more than
we can comprehend or understand?  Just what are the
motives behind these men?  Are they really trying to
play God by creating the perfect being, a betterment
for the human race or are they being misled by their
alien counterparts and will they find out when the
rest of us do when it really is too late?  A shudder
runs through me.  I think of Monica's words.  "What is
the point of all this?  To destroy a man who seeks the
truth?  Or to destroy the truth so no man can seek
it?"  That was a powerful statement and I suddenly
looked at her with incredible pride that she had the
guts to say it.  Either way, the truth remains forever
elusive.  There has to be a point to this.  There has
to be a reason we exist.  Scully once asked me what
the people we knew were dying for.  Was it for the
truth or the lies?  I told her then it had to be for
the truth.  And that if we owed them anything, it was
to make sure of that.   I owe a lot of people that
truth now.  They all placed their faith in me,
believing that somehow I could bring justice to all
the insidious crimes that had been committed against
them. I just don't know how to repay these people; I
no longer have any faith in myself.

As much as I tried to fight it, the words had hit
home.  I had lived a lie my entire life.  My family
had been a lie.  My search for my sister had been a
lie and the X-Files had been nothing more than a way
for me to perpetuate the lies these men created to
hide their iniquities.  I have failed in every
respect. Scully looked at me with bewilderment when I
told her I would rather die than divulge the
information I had accessed.  I knew what the
information had done to me.  Life without hope is
living hell.  And I would not allow myself to be the
one to condemn the world to that fate.  There was no
point to any of this.  The date is set and nothing I
can do can change that.  But then she looked at me and
in her eyes I saw the faith she still had in me.  I
could feel it give her strength.  There was a hope
there that I couldn't bring myself to believe in just
yet.  She was fighting for 'us' she said.  It was a
good thing she had left my cell shortly after that
because I broke down and cried for all of us.

I hadn't intended to disappear that night in the
Oregon woods.  It was as if I couldn't stop myself.
In one moment every truth I had tried so hard to find
was right there.  It was an opportunity I had long
awaited for and I in taking it; I gave up the only
true happiness I had ever known.  Maybe it was a
desire to seek absolution from a God I didn't believe
in or perhaps it was just childish curiosity but
either way it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Scully and I had become one in our pursuit of the
truth.  Little did I know at the time the extent of
that bond.  While I once again went off in pursuit of
a personal agenda she was left to hold our lives
together literally without me.  My error cost me my
life not just in the physical sense but in the moral
sense as well.  She is the tie that has tethered my
soul to this earth and I am nothing without her.
Perhaps everything that has happened since that night
only serves to prove that.  I can't do this alone.  I
never could.

I don't know what I would have done if the cavalry
hadn't come.  Skinner and Doggett and of all people
Kersh showed up to 'spring me from the joint' in
typical movie fashion.  I was going to die only not
the way I'd been sentenced to.  In a sense it would
have been a blessing and I could have taken the
cowards way out of facing Scully for the last time.
There would have been no words to express how much she
has meant to me.  All I could have done would have
been to cling to her as I do now.

I snuggle closer to her and kiss her cheek.  She sighs
and I hear her whisper "Are you okay Mulder?"

"I'm fine.  Go back to sleep."

She hesitates for a moment perhaps because I have used
her old stand by phrase and she's not sure I am fine.
But then she eases herself over and snuggles her back
against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull
her closer, her tiny hands holding tightly to my arms.
This closeness is strange and foreign and yet seems so
right.   We have been apart for almost two years and
still it seems we had done this only yesterday.  I lie
here and wonder about those we have left behind.

The fate of those who helped us escape is unknown.
There's been no word from Skinner or Kersh.  I worry
about Gibson and we last saw Doggett and Reyes in a
cloud of dust at the base of the ruins.  How they
found us there I don't know.   We were told to head
north and out of the country but I had to come back
here.  It was my last pilgrimage into my past.  I
needed to know who this "keeper of the truth" who set
me up was.

Maybe in truth I already knew somehow it had to be
Spender but suddenly like Scully, I needed proof.  If
that power-hungry son of a bitch wanted to see me
broken he didn't have to go through this whole
charade.  In what I now see was as an elaborate scheme
to get back at Bill Mulder for daring to expose his
precious 'project', Spender spent years trying to
break me by taking everything from me.  My sister, my
family, my work, Scully and now my son were all pawns
in the game.    In all honesty I'd been broken since I
left Scully and William a year ago.  The man had won;
he didn't need my life to claim his victory.

As Scully and I stood there before him I could feel
his hatred for me.  I had no right to hope, and he
would see to that.  There would be no victory for
either of us here and in what amounted to his last
evil act he revealed to Scully what I had tried so
hard to prevent her from knowing, the plans for the
final Armageddon.  I wanted to tear that fucking
bastard apart but I never got the chance.   We may
have escaped from that valley with our lives, but the
truth we both now know didn't save us.
 

~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

I don't know how long we've laid here in the dark.  I
listen to Scully quietly breathing beside me and know
that she for now feels safe enough to drift into a
peaceful sleep.  I untangle myself from her embrace
and walk quietly towards the door.  I glance back at
her sleeping form and opening the door slowly I step
out into the night.

There is a peaceful breeze tonight, the desert air is
cool and as the universe stretches out before me I am
alone with my thoughts and the music of the desert
night.  I don't want to become the keeper of the truth
as the Indians believed my father to be.  No one has
that right.  That man may have been my biological
father but in no way did he influence the standards by
which I have lived my life.  Bill Mulder left a
legacy, his desire to see that justice was served by
exposing those who plotted against the public lives in
me.  I was the weapon he would use to carry out his
plan.  If only he'd told me.

I think I finally figured out what Krychek and the
other souls I've seen are trying to tell me.
Something I should have realized long ago.  I'd had a
small army behind me all along.  Friends I ignored
because I thought the fight was mine alone.  We spent
years warring with each other when we should have been
working towards a common goal. I spent a lifetime
looking at everything as my own private little war
instead of looking at the bigger picture.    Well I
see the bigger picture now and the immensity of it
terrifies me.   I've finally pulled my head from the
sand and I have no idea how to continue this fight
that is no longer my own.   Deep Throat, X, Krychek,
Skinner, Marita, Michael Kritschgau, Diana, the
Gunmen, Scully and countless others who have crossed
my path have all sought justice in one form or another
against this same enemy that threatens our existence.
They were my army of truth seekers.

Somewhere out there is a small boy.  The culmination
of genes and seven years of denying in something
Scully and I refused to acknowledge, love.  Despite
Agent Reyes elaborate story on how Scully was a part
of some elaborate project to gestate alien babies, I
know exactly how William came into this world.  We
came together that first night out of a desperate need
for both of us to remind ourselves that we were still
human.  Life is a miracle and with the birth of each
new life comes the realization that the miracle will
continue.  From the catastrophe that has become our
lives Scully and I created our miracle and I will
never doubt that.  If William is proof of anything,
it's what we as humans are capable of and not of some
alien intervention.

Someday he will go in search of a truth of his own and
when he finds it I want him to know that Scully...and I,
didn't give him up because he was unwanted or unloved.
I want him to know we loved him enough to set him
free.  I want him to have a life that is his own.
Free to be who and what he chooses and guided by the
strength he finds within himself and not influenced by
those who would use him. I've spent the better part of
my life seeking the truth with the aide of the very
people who chose to conceal it.  And in doing so I
allowed them to manipulate my life.  I won't allow
them to do that to him.  As hard as the decision was
for her, as hard as it is for me to accept I know
letting him go was the only choice.  Scully has placed
his safety in the hands of someone she trusts without
question and I have to trust her judgement.

Scully's faith has sustained her.  Despite what she
now knows, she still believes in the greater good.  In
Scully's words, "Who would create a life who's only
hope is to die?" certainly not her God.

It's been said that when you are given a second chance
at life it is because there are things in that first
life you didn't get to finish.  Or perhaps fate has
yet another chapter to add to your story.  Fate and
love, one brought us together, the other keeps us from
ever being apart.  Both of them guide our lives. I
think of our conversation of a few hours ago.  This
quest had gotten neither of us anything we set out for
and yet in spite of that or perhaps because of it, we
have found our way back to each other.  If there is
something more important I am supposed to do I now
know that it is not something I am destined to do
alone.

Scully always knew me better than I knew myself, and
she can see right through my self-depreciation. She is
no more willing to give up than I am. If I am a guilty
man it is in my failure to realize I have never been
alone.  I refuse to believe that human life will be
snuffed out on this planet. The power of the human
spirit is too strong. It's often been thought that the
reason we seek life off this planet is because of the
fear we all have of being alone.  Loneliness is a
choice I'm no longer willing to make.  That man still
lies in a grave in Raleigh his soul beckoned back to
the living by a woman who will not accept defeat any
more than he will.  She never gave up on me.  I cannot
give up on the future.

A train whistles off in the distance; a reminder that
the future I speak of is not only my own.  If there is
a way to change the future and make a better life it's
going to take more than Scully and I to make it
happen.   Perhaps it's only the dream of an idealist,
thinking we can fight what fate seems to have in store
for us.  But what of free will?  Can we not change
fate by making a different choice?  I hear the voices
of the past urging me to make a choice.

The dead are all around us, reminding us that this war
has gone on for ages.  In their small victories are
reminders of the price we pay to sustain that dream.
I believe I have paid the price. I have lived a life
for myself and have nothing but regrets.  It's time I
stopped living in the past and dreamed of the future.
The world will know the truth and even if there are
only a few who believe us it will be enough to
continue the fight.  I think of a warm night on a
deserted baseball diamond.  My arms wrapped around
Scully as together we sock baseballs towards the
heavens.  We may not win this fight but at least we
will know we went down swinging.

A breeze caresses my cheek like someone whispering my
name. I turn and head back to our room, to our life
that is full of uncertainty.  We are not who we were.
Bound together now not by a passion for the truth, but
by a catastrophe orchestrated to drive us apart.  My
first impulse was to flee, to leave her here to put
her life back together but she is as dependent on me
now as I am of her.  One cannot live without the
other.  The determination I see in her eyes, fueled by
the strength we find in each other has given me the
desire to turn and make one last stand, to 'do it all
over again' as she put it and fight back at these men
who have taken everything from us.  My conscience,
those voices and faces of the dead and my heart won't
let me go.  She has given me back something I thought
I had lost, the courage to believe.

I had a dream once about giving up the fight for a
'normal life' and though it's something I thought I
always wanted I realize now that it was nothing more
than a temptation.  A question my mind had been asking
about where life was destined to lead me.  In the end,
Scully rescued me from that life I wasn't supposed to
have.  That was all the answer I needed.  I am where I
always wanted to be.  I close my eyes as I open the
door; this is a dream I believe can come true.  You
only live twice.
 
 
 
 

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone
This dream is for you, so pay the price
Make one dream come true, you only live twice
 
 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Feedback:  iluvxf@hotmail.com